SA Parental alienation query

[Bunshine]

Hi there, I am seeking advice on behalf of my husband, as his 11-year-old daughter has been manipulated to stop contact with him. Some background - daughter was born in SA and then when husband split up with his ex, she took their 10-month-old baby to QLD, despite his wishes that his daughter stay in SA. We then got together and moved to QLD to be close to his daughter when she was 1.5 years, but the mother would only allow him 2 hours of contact once a month under her supervision (no history of abuse, she was just angry with him about me). After a couple of years of failed mediation, he applied to the Family Court and they got Consent Orders - shared parental responsibility/4 nights per fortnight when daughter was 4. However, the mother was extremely bitter and years of subtle alienation followed, which got worse when he and I had a baby. Although she generally complied with the visitation schedule, the mother constantly undermined the child's time with the father, encouraged the child to not come because she was 'sick', implied to the child that her father didn't love her, refused to tell her father key information, undermined him at the school, encouraged the child to lie about us, denied our child was her sister, and so on. The child was clearly miserable, she was having behavioural problems and seemed depressed or angry whenever she was with us. Her psychological problems were getting quite bad, and my husband kept trying to get some counselling for her, but his ex denied there were any problems. It felt like a war and we started to realise it was damaging to his daughter, so one year we decided to move back to SA after nine years when everyone's mental health suffered. The parents agreed to half the school holidays, and a term visit in QLD if he could make it up there.

Initially, this seemed better as the child had her own mobile phone, and was talking to her dad more freely than before we moved. She seemed happier during the holidays when she visited us. Then his ex started constantly asking for more money on top of child support (which he has always paid) and becoming difficult about holidays e.g. making plans throughout so there was no time his daughter could visit. When he questioned an amount of extra money his ex was demanding a couple of months ago, his daughter abruptly stopped returning his calls and texts, and blocked him on social media. When he wrote a frustrated email to his ex saying that he believed the child was being manipulated, and shouldn't be dragged into disputes about money, his daughter sent a volley of hostile texts that showed the mother had shown her the email. The texts were really angry, demanding he pay her mother more money and insisting that blocking him was all her idea and she was not being manipulated by her mother, etc. He stayed calm and only sent messages to try to reassure her, but she has now stopped all contact with him. During this same time, the ex confirmed that she will allow the child to visit us for a ten-day holiday we have booked for Easter, which involves an interstate trip.

I would like to know if there are any advisable legal options here? The Court Orders say he can call three times a week, but when he's texted the mother asking if he can call his daughter on her phone, the mother has said that daughter does not want to talk to him. It's very distressing to have no contact, and we are worried that although she has been coached to have these hostile feelings, the mother will send her on the holiday which will be distressing to her, just to try to 'prove' that the daughter really does hate her father (which I don't believe she does at all - or at least - she didn't before). Could any kind of legal pressure be applied here that may have some effect, or is it too hard since my husband has left the state where the court orders pertained to? It is very difficult as the mother will claim it's all the 11-year old's idea, although she has no reason to hate him (other than that the mother hates him, and the mother seems to think they are the same person). He hasn't seen her since the 2019 September holidays.

Many thanks for any insights.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

It sounds like if you can't negotiate with the mother, you will need to take it to court, but it will probably be a difficult one to win... A family report would dig into the history, interview the daughter and hopefully figure out what happened. Although what's done is done, it makes things more difficult IMO that you moved away from her as that means that you have little to no ability to 'enforce' contact (usually the mother is obliged to make the child go at the times ordered, but it gets more difficult when all you can have is phone calls.

Even if you were able to prove that parental alienation was occurring, the court may still decide that it's not in the best interests of the child to force her to have contact with her father. I've read extreme cases where the primary care was transferred from the mother to the father because of the mother's manipulation and inability to foster the relationship.. In the end the mother ended up with supervised access to the child only, in order to prevent further alienation. But I suspect in most cases, a judge isn't going to order that, and certainly not without a full and expensive trial. It's a pretty extreme move, and I don't really know what other less drastic options would be on the table... Just my two cents. I'm not a lawyer, just an interested punter.

 

[Bunshine]

It sounds like if you can't negotiate with the mother, you will need to take it to court, but it will probably be a difficult one to win... A family report would dig into the history, interview the daughter and hopefully figure out what happened. Although what's done is done, it makes things more difficult IMO that you moved away from her as that means that you have little to no ability to 'enforce' contact (usually the mother is obliged to make the child go at the times ordered, but it gets more difficult when all you can have is phone calls.

Even if you were able to prove that parental alienation was occurring, the court may still decide that it's not in the best interests of the child to force her to have contacIt with her father. I've read extreme cases where the primary care was transferred from the mother to the father because of the mother's manipulation and inability to foster the relationship.. In the end the mother ended up with supervised access to the child only, in order to prevent further alienation. But I suspect in most cases, a judge isn't going to order that, and certainly not without a full and expensive trial. It's a pretty extreme move, and I don't really know what other less drastic options would be on the table... Just my two cents. I'm not a lawyer, just an interested punter.

Thanks for your thoughts, it's pretty much what I was thinking. I don't think we have the $ or emotional strength for a protracted legal fight, and it seems like these kinds of things are hard to prove (even though it has been obvious to anyone who hears only some of what has gone on). It was probably a mistake to leave, but we were very isolated and drained by the years of hostility, and we were worried that the child might hurt her sister as she had started hurting kids at school. And honestly we thought it might be better for her, as she was clearly suffering being caught in the battle zone. I suppose we could move back, if my husband can't cope with being completely cut off, but perhaps it won't help other than we might be in a better position to start a legal fight, though I fear we couldn't win it. I always had the feeling the mother was building up to this, and had even predicted that it would happen by the time the child was 12, so I am not shocked, but just wondering if anyone has had success with a legal avenue in a similar situation. Probably the situation is beyond our repair and what my husband needs is a counsellor to help him deal with this and not a lawyer. Thanks again.

 

[sammy01]

$500 per hour for solicitors.
Sure you can self rep - But even if you did that whole crazy thing and the ex still didn't play nice... What then? more court.

My solution. Dad gets on a plane and flies over to QLD to see the kid to re-engage her with dad... Do that a few times.

Give dad a hug for me.... I wish I had better advice. FACT - no court order can stop a nasty vindictive woman from being a nasty vindictive woman (same applies to nasty vindictive men) Just so no-one calls me out for beig sexist. ffs

 

[GlassHalfFull]

Sammy, it's simply that there are less nasty vindictive men out there who are actually in a position to hold their children ransom against the mother, because many fathers have been excluded from primary care at an early age and it's very difficult to re-establish that level of care later on. I have no doubt that there would be just as many manipulative men as there are women... But I think just as it's regularly pointed out that men are more likely to commit domestic violence, I think it's fair to suggest that women are more likely to withhold the children for selfish controlling reasons. It's just the expression of societal norms and statistics, it's not a value judgement on the sexes. Like you say, both are capable of using children as weapons against the other parent given half a chance!

 

[sammy01]

mate I agree. Just get bored with my time here when I dont preface everybloody thing with some PC nonsense.

 

[Bunshine]

$500 per hour for solicitors.
Sure you can self rep - But even if you did that whole crazy thing and the ex still didn't play nice... What then? more court.

My solution. Dad gets on a plane and flies over to QLD to see the kid to re-engage her with dad... Do that a few times.

Give dad a hug for me.... I wish I had better advice. FACT - no court order can stop a nasty vindictive woman from being a nasty vindictive woman (same applies to nasty vindictive men) Just so no-one calls me out for beig sexist. ffs

Thanks Sammy, I think it's good advice. We've thought of it, but my husband works Saturday which is the only day he can't get out of, and then daughter has school Mondays, so not sure if it's worth it for just one day, might not give her time to unthaw. I've already checked for student-free days in QLD for a MOnday, and there is nothing til after Easter. Her mother has always kept her out of school for no good reason, but you can bet if he tried that there would be a huge outcry... no matter that the reason is so much more important. Still, I will talk to him again about it. Yes, I know what you mean about court orders having no effect on a bitter (crazy?) person, we learned that the hard way. I've always thought it is mostly women who do this too (but I agree that there are reasons for this to do with how things are set up in our society, but that's a topic for another essay). That said, I recently joined a parental alienation support group on facebook and was surprised to find that two thirds were women. And they had some tragically similar stories...but mostly seemed to be in the States, so maybe there is something different there. Thanks again for your message, it's appreciated.