Firstly, thanks to those contributing to this forum. You've been an enormous help as I've read through other people questions and answers.
I have a trial date coming up in the format of a less adversarial trial. The advice here has helped me come to my decisions on how to approach the Final Hearing.
The co-parenting relationship has been high conflict and my approach for the past 4 years has effectively been to "grey stone" the mother when she launches highly emotional attacks (Grey-stoning is a technique used when dealing with Narcissists, where you just let the attack fly and not respond). Previously I'd respond to her attacks and try to defend myself but that just seemed to increase the amount of venom (and frequency) of the attacks.
My ex is trying to reduce my time with the kids and based on her affidavits and annexes, her reasoning for the court to change current orders (Been in place for 5 years) is that I'm such a bad person. This includes things like accusations of me committing fraud - a total lie, me committing domestic violence (she accused me and dropped the TPO when she erred in front of the Magistrate) and accusations that I used prostitutes.
I've remarried, the children are doing well at school, they have a happy family life when with me (but it's not all theme parts and cute kittens like they are when they are with her) and have a large support network from my family (she has no family close to her).
In the 11f report suggested no change and left it to the court, but the Family Consultant noted the kids (aged 10 and 8) would like to spend more time with Mum because it's "boring sometimes at dad's place" - and that the mother "acted out aggressively when told she can't interfere with what the kids do when they are with the father".
My approach has been to be more conciliatory and to repeatedly state I just do what I think is in the best interests of the children, but I don't think subjecting them to more of the mother's anger and hate is good for them.
In reading through her Affidavits and Annexures I've started to doubt my approach of just going to court and being reasonable and not attacking or responding to her aggression.
To me, and this is a heartfelt belief, the best we can expect for the kids is for parents to at least be nice to each other even if we don't like each other, talk about what is best for them, and not continue to push the co-parenting relationship to the abyss just to "win the war".
She wants to:
- Reduce my time with the kids (currently at 38% - 62% according to the CSA),
- Dictate where they go to school rather than consult on what's best for the kids
- Interfere on where I can take them on holidays (only inside the state I reside)
- Dictate which church I can and can't take the kids to
- Refuse to try better options for communication (like co-parenting apps instead of TXT, email, phone and screaming out the window when she drops the kids off).
Am I naive to believe the Judge will see the attack in the courtroom as a negative when my response is genuinely, "The children will do better if they have good relationships with the mother and the father, but increasing their time with her only exposes them to more conflict and reduces the stability they've had for the past 5 years."
BTW... I have every weekend (3 nights) except 1 weekend a month, and 2 nights during the week they're not with me on the weekend.
I'm offering:
- Change to 28-day cycle instead of a monthly cycle, giving her 4 extra weekends on average per year (not reduce their weekends with me by 16)
- Collaboration on schooling and I cover all the costs
- Pay her air tickets (as well as the usual itineraries, etc) to come on holidays if she really believes I won't bring the kids back to our city
- Pay for the collaboration App to improve communication
- Provide Out of school-hours care instead of the kids walking to and from school alone, and being put in vacation care (which they don't like).
Am I going to be annihilated by her attacks, and am I being naive in my approach?
I have a trial date coming up in the format of a less adversarial trial. The advice here has helped me come to my decisions on how to approach the Final Hearing.
The co-parenting relationship has been high conflict and my approach for the past 4 years has effectively been to "grey stone" the mother when she launches highly emotional attacks (Grey-stoning is a technique used when dealing with Narcissists, where you just let the attack fly and not respond). Previously I'd respond to her attacks and try to defend myself but that just seemed to increase the amount of venom (and frequency) of the attacks.
My ex is trying to reduce my time with the kids and based on her affidavits and annexes, her reasoning for the court to change current orders (Been in place for 5 years) is that I'm such a bad person. This includes things like accusations of me committing fraud - a total lie, me committing domestic violence (she accused me and dropped the TPO when she erred in front of the Magistrate) and accusations that I used prostitutes.
I've remarried, the children are doing well at school, they have a happy family life when with me (but it's not all theme parts and cute kittens like they are when they are with her) and have a large support network from my family (she has no family close to her).
In the 11f report suggested no change and left it to the court, but the Family Consultant noted the kids (aged 10 and 8) would like to spend more time with Mum because it's "boring sometimes at dad's place" - and that the mother "acted out aggressively when told she can't interfere with what the kids do when they are with the father".
My approach has been to be more conciliatory and to repeatedly state I just do what I think is in the best interests of the children, but I don't think subjecting them to more of the mother's anger and hate is good for them.
In reading through her Affidavits and Annexures I've started to doubt my approach of just going to court and being reasonable and not attacking or responding to her aggression.
To me, and this is a heartfelt belief, the best we can expect for the kids is for parents to at least be nice to each other even if we don't like each other, talk about what is best for them, and not continue to push the co-parenting relationship to the abyss just to "win the war".
She wants to:
- Reduce my time with the kids (currently at 38% - 62% according to the CSA),
- Dictate where they go to school rather than consult on what's best for the kids
- Interfere on where I can take them on holidays (only inside the state I reside)
- Dictate which church I can and can't take the kids to
- Refuse to try better options for communication (like co-parenting apps instead of TXT, email, phone and screaming out the window when she drops the kids off).
Am I naive to believe the Judge will see the attack in the courtroom as a negative when my response is genuinely, "The children will do better if they have good relationships with the mother and the father, but increasing their time with her only exposes them to more conflict and reduces the stability they've had for the past 5 years."
BTW... I have every weekend (3 nights) except 1 weekend a month, and 2 nights during the week they're not with me on the weekend.
I'm offering:
- Change to 28-day cycle instead of a monthly cycle, giving her 4 extra weekends on average per year (not reduce their weekends with me by 16)
- Collaboration on schooling and I cover all the costs
- Pay her air tickets (as well as the usual itineraries, etc) to come on holidays if she really believes I won't bring the kids back to our city
- Pay for the collaboration App to improve communication
- Provide Out of school-hours care instead of the kids walking to and from school alone, and being put in vacation care (which they don't like).
Am I going to be annihilated by her attacks, and am I being naive in my approach?