QLD How to Apply for DVO for Myself?

[fairy]

I have applied for a DVO after years of abuse (financially, emotionally and on two occasions physically). We separated in the year 2012 and he was unable to let go. Phone calls, texts, abusive messages on Facebook to friends, etc. (Note, only some of these messages still exist due to phone changes, and friends deleting messages. Really regret not getting copies at the time).

He has on many occasions threatened to take my son away, have me declared an unfit mother because I have depression and threatens to take me to family court, have police come to my home. We have had amicable patches, only when he's busy with a new girlfriend.

I am at the point where I'm terrified of the front door, have my blinds drawn and can't listen to voicemail or pick up private numbers. He's been using private numbers and numbers of friends and family to call my phone.

He married in secret in May, and in June I received a phone call stating the new wife had "gone crazy" and was threatening to kill my son. I had to go and pick up my 5-year-old who was really upset, and noted that the ex and his new wife had also been in a physical altercation.

I reported this to the police, to the school, and in turn, child protection were also notified. A week later, he demanded to have our son stay at his house. When I refused on the basis that it was too dangerous, he told me he would take me to court. This was the last straw.

He has an unsafe home environment, pays no child support, has had no job at all but a fantasy one (in order to dictate when he can have our son). I can't handle being a mum and fend off the ex.

So, after years of putting up with a jerk, I've asked the courts for help. Boy, do I regret it. I have a temp order that asks him not to contact me via phone, internet/ social media or through friends/family. The order has myself and my son named. I am able to give written permission for visits with my son. I intend to have the DVO to protect myself, and have protection for my son outside of our agreed care plan to ensure no disruption in our lives.

The attitude I'm facing at court is that his behaviour is my fault because I won't let him see his son. Note: I applied for temp order immediately after the trigger point and it has been 3.5 months only. While its a long time, its only until this is sorted out.

Ex has said one sentence. "She won't let me see my son". The magistrate, upon hearing those words, has decided I'm there to play games and only focus on our son. I have informed him that I have started mediation proceedings in order to organize care/visits/contact. I have literally heard the words "If you just let the man see his son, the behaviour will stop". "I don't see why you won't just go to McDonald's and let them have an hour or two".

I have repeated over and over that I fully intend to facilitate a relationship between the two but in a safe environment that can be monitored and in a place where we can agree. I kept raising the fact that I was there for me, that it wasn't family court and that I was there asking him for help.

I got to the point yesterday where I told him that if he was so concerned with my son being named on the order to just take him off. His response is that I've raised concerning matters to the court and he wasn't going to do so. I told him that I'd informed him of the same information at the last hearing, and didn't understand why he was pushing for the Mcdonald's senario when I was there specifically for DVO and had addressed the issue with my son visiting his dad.

Not once has the magistrate considered me as a person. Not once has he asked me a single question that relates to me, or the impact this situation has had on me, purely because I gave birth. I'm at breaking point. I went through so much and to be told its my fault and be labeled as a vindictive mum only set out to have custody of a child is devastating.

There are literally 5 pages of notes about all the situations I've had to deal with in the application. I understand that by naming my son that the situation concerns him also, but we obviously do both need protection.

Side note: when I arrived at the courthouse yesterday, I was bailed up by ex and told it was my last chance to stop the proceedings and that "you know I'm going to win anyway". He also asked his brother to speak to me and tell me that he was going to drag it out and it was my last chance. Do I report it?

We now have to go to trial. I don't know what the point is any more. I feel like I don't matter anyway. Plus side being a new magistrate.

Another side note: ex has been arrested and charged with multiple counts of fraud, and is going to court next November. Jail time is definitely on the cards. He's involved in some type of drug trafficking from what I understand but no mention has been made so far of anything being done about it.

How do I show I'm not this horrible person I'm being made out to be? Do I just get a solicitor to deal with the situation? I made the mistake in thinking that if you needed help and you asked for help, that you would get help. I feel like I should have had a solicitor from the very start but couldn't afford to.

 

[sammy01]

Ok so once we take out all the opinion and irelevent information in what you've written, do you know what is left? Dad can't see the kid because you won't let him or dad can't see kid because you feel you have a right to dictate the terms which he must agree with.

Now as far as having to go to trial - yep, if you don't agree to access then a court will look at the facts based on their interpretation of the facts, not your interpretation.

So how much time does dad want with child? I'd suggest that you might wanna look at the law. The law states that the child has a right to have a relationship with both parents. The law states that where practical, the magistrate must at least consider 50/50 shared care. So your thinking looks nothing like what the law says.

Now some stuff I don't get? You've mentioned the McDonald's scenario. I'm guessing he wants to meet at Maccas' for changeovers. So what is wrong with that? Kinda normal practice these days. Clean toilet, neutral location, cameras. I insist on meeting my ex at Macca's or something similar. I refuse to go near her house and won't be alone in private with her - that way she can't accuse me of anything.

Now if you split up in 2012 - I fail to see any need for an AVO/DVO. Has he hurt you? Nope, he has contacted you on various numbers because you won't answer his calls. Well guess what - he is probably calling to speak to his son ot organise to see his son.

So maybe magistrate is right - let the bloke see the kid and realise that by stopping him you're making him mad. My ex stopped me seeing my kids for a long while too. Guess what it made me mad too....

 

[fairy]

Clearly I can't give you my entire 5 years worth of info. He has threatened to kill friends of mine, and the father of my other child. He was abusive and stalking note: looking for my address, leaving up to 18 missed calls at 2am and this was after the breakup.

You are speaking from your experience as a jilted father, and I respect that, however your assumption that this is based on my ex not seeing his child is incorrect. Up until his wife threatened to kill my son, he had access whenever it suited. The only time he hasn't had access is now, for the last 3.5 months. It doesn't excuse his behaviour leading up to this event.

I have a right as a person to not be abused for dating, or buying a house or for going on holiday. I shouldn't have to worry that he's going to flip and then suddenly suggest hes going to run away with our child.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to tell me all about your situation.

 

[sammy01]

What has dad done to hurt you? When did the kid last see their dad? Yep, you have a right to buy a house, date, have a holiday, but the child has the right to know their dad. It seems you have a problem with that bit...

Why not agree for the kid to spend half his life with his dad?

 

[fairy]

Um.. like I said, he's always seen dad until he was in an unsafe environment 3 months ago. I would not have instigated mediation if I didn't want him to see his dad. The situation with dad has changed and it needs to be addressed in order for my son to be SAFE while he is with him.

Again, like I mentioned earlier, threats to myself and family, previously gave me a concussion and bruising etc. Does that tick the box for you?

Please refrain from replying again, whilst I appreciate you have a wealth of information about the system being used against you, I am not your ex.

 

[AllForHer]

Okay, so let's look at the legislative reasons as to why you're feeling that you're being treated unfairly.

Section 60B of the Family Law Act 1975 lists the objectives of the legislation pertaining to parenting matters. You can read the full thing here: FAMILY LAW ACT 1975 - SECT 60BObjects of Part and principles underlying it

There are two parts which tend to be given very little credence by parents, but a very great deal of credence by the Court.

The first is the legislative commitment to ensuring children have a meaningful relationship with both parents, to the maximum extent that is consistent with the best interests of the child.

The second is the legal, legislated, express right of children to know, spend time and communicate with both parents on a regular basis, regardless of whether the parents are married, separated, divorced, de facto or have never been on a relationship at all.

That's what the legislation is designed to uphold, and therefore, that's what the Court is focused on protecting - the children's right to have a relationship with both parents.

As such, the Court does not take well to parents who come before it and appear to be violating their child's legal rights by not facilitating their relationship with the other parent, and as I understand it, this is the environment you're experiencing now in Family Court.

When a parent withholds a child's time with the other parent, they are telling the Court that the only way they see that the child's best interests can be met is by having no contact with the other parent at all, but the Court doesn't often share this sentiment. Instead, it will find ways to eliminate the risk of harm to a child while still upholding their rights to spend time with the other parent.

If the problem is contact between the parents, the Court might order the parents to attend a post-separation parenting course, use email or text to communicate, and conduct changeovers in a public place.

If the problem is a third party, the Court might prohibit the parents from allowing the child to have contact with that's person.

If the problem is drug use, the Court might order the risk to abstain from consumption of alcohol or illicit substances before and during the child's time with them, or it might order drug screenings.

What it won't order very often is no contact between a parent and child at all, yet that's what parents often decide unilaterally to be the only option. These are usually the same parents who wind up in Family Court with orders they don't like and feel their view has not been adequately heard, but realistically, it's usually that the evidence has been heard, and the Court simply hasn't found it to be persuasive.

Now, don't get me wrong. I understand your plight. We were sending a three-year-old to a parent who was described on the record by a judge as abusive and dangerous, but the bottom line is that all of her anger and violence was aimed at the child's father, not the child herself.

But it is what it is, and what you've described are issues between you and the father. They don't reflect issues between the father and the child. It's very important, when trying to not be the 'horrible person' the Court thinks you are, to make sure you're exceptionally skilled in separating your relationship with your ex from your son's relationship with his father.

 

[Thefactsonly]

Very tough situation - and I do understand your feelings of frustration at not feeling protected. Have you tried RA for a councelling session? Quite often (in my experience) once you tell someone 'your side of the story' there are plenty of avenues for support and help based on you.

As for your child, he is 5 Yes? That is still quite young. What was the situation prior to the incident with the new partner? You have been separated for quite some time considering the child is young, how has the child been seeing his dad? Weekends? shared 50/50? Only when it suits dad?

There are so many variables to the situation and without all the background information it is really hard. I do though understand how you are feeling, these are real fears you have, so make the call to RA or even the DVO hotline and talk the situation through and use any and all of the available sources to help you come to a better place.

At the end of it all, the situation between you and the ex is very different to the situation between the child and both his parents. The law is strict on being whats in the child's best interests.

So yes, whilst it seems like its all very hard right now, in time given you are going through legal systems to get orders done up, the information you have will be bought up later on when determining whats in your child's best interests.

Good luck.

 

[nat 2015]

I have applied for a DVO after years of abuse (financially, emotionally and on two occasions physically). We separated in the year 2012 and he was unable to let go. Phone calls, texts, abusive messages on Facebook to friends, etc. (Note, only some of these messages still exist due to phone changes, and friends deleting messages. Really regret not getting copies at the time).

He has on many occasions threatened to take my son away, have me declared an unfit mother because I have depression and threatens to take me to family court, have police come to my home. We have had amicable patches, only when he's busy with a new girlfriend.

I am at the point where I'm terrified of the front door, have my blinds drawn and can't listen to voicemail or pick up private numbers. He's been using private numbers and numbers of friends and family to call my phone.

He married in secret in May, and in June I received a phone call stating the new wife had "gone crazy" and was threatening to kill my son. I had to go and pick up my 5-year-old who was really upset, and noted that the ex and his new wife had also been in a physical altercation.

I reported this to the police, to the school, and in turn, child protection were also notified. A week later, he demanded to have our son stay at his house. When I refused on the basis that it was too dangerous, he told me he would take me to court. This was the last straw.

He has an unsafe home environment, pays no child support, has had no job at all but a fantasy one (in order to dictate when he can have our son). I can't handle being a mum and fend off the ex.

So, after years of putting up with a jerk, I've asked the courts for help. Boy, do I regret it. I have a temp order that asks him not to contact me via phone, internet/ social media or through friends/family. The order has myself and my son named. I am able to give written permission for visits with my son. I intend to have the DVO to protect myself, and have protection for my son outside of our agreed care plan to ensure no disruption in our lives.

The attitude I'm facing at court is that his behaviour is my fault because I won't let him see his son. Note: I applied for temp order immediately after the trigger point and it has been 3.5 months only. While its a long time, its only until this is sorted out.

Ex has said one sentence. "She won't let me see my son". The magistrate, upon hearing those words, has decided I'm there to play games and only focus on our son. I have informed him that I have started mediation proceedings in order to organize care/visits/contact. I have literally heard the words "If you just let the man see his son, the behaviour will stop". "I don't see why you won't just go to McDonald's and let them have an hour or two".

I have repeated over and over that I fully intend to facilitate a relationship between the two but in a safe environment that can be monitored and in a place where we can agree. I kept raising the fact that I was there for me, that it wasn't family court and that I was there asking him for help.

I got to the point yesterday where I told him that if he was so concerned with my son being named on the order to just take him off. His response is that I've raised concerning matters to the court and he wasn't going to do so. I told him that I'd informed him of the same information at the last hearing, and didn't understand why he was pushing for the Mcdonald's senario when I was there specifically for DVO and had addressed the issue with my son visiting his dad.

Not once has the magistrate considered me as a person. Not once has he asked me a single question that relates to me, or the impact this situation has had on me, purely because I gave birth. I'm at breaking point. I went through so much and to be told its my fault and be labeled as a vindictive mum only set out to have custody of a child is devastating.

There are literally 5 pages of notes about all the situations I've had to deal with in the application. I understand that by naming my son that the situation concerns him also, but we obviously do both need protection.

Side note: when I arrived at the courthouse yesterday, I was bailed up by ex and told it was my last chance to stop the proceedings and that "you know I'm going to win anyway". He also asked his brother to speak to me and tell me that he was going to drag it out and it was my last chance. Do I report it?

We now have to go to trial. I don't know what the point is any more. I feel like I don't matter anyway. Plus side being a new magistrate.

Another side note: ex has been arrested and charged with multiple counts of fraud, and is going to court next November. Jail time is definitely on the cards. He's involved in some type of drug trafficking from what I understand but no mention has been made so far of anything being done about it.

How do I show I'm not this horrible person I'm being made out to be? Do I just get a solicitor to deal with the situation? I made the mistake in thinking that if you needed help and you asked for help, that you would get help. I feel like I should have had a solicitor from the very start but couldn't afford to.

This is a very similar situation to myself. My ex has said he has video footage of us arguing and says the same crap - it's all my fault, I currently have a temp protection order and I have withdrawn it , but have been told by my lawyer that it has not been withdrawn.

What I don't get is why some judges seem to see some of us vindictive women. It's difficult enough as it is with having to be open and honest about our experiences.

Keep your head up and let us know how you go.