Hi, so I have a question about how to best move forward with a situation. I will keep emotion out of it, and just state the relevant facts, but happy to share more if needed.
I left my ex-husband 2.5 years ago due to domestic violence. He has a DVO (now expired), that he admitted to - all physical. It was only against me.
We have three children, 18, 11, and 9, and I have 100 per cent care. The 18-year-old has severe special needs, intellectual impairment, and I am his carer (this is relevant I think).
There are no court orders in place, despite me trying to get them. There has been a lot of conflict around getting one in place (I wanted one due to being mucked about with care arrangements and we were having major disagreements about schooling and other things, etc). Mediation was organised, I went, he refused to go. So I was given a certificate. This was 6 months ago.
After about a year of 60/40 (my favour), straight after the divorce, for the past year it's been officially 100 per cent. The younger two go to visit for the day on Saturday (not all the time), and my son (18) stays overnight on a Saturday sometimes. He pays no child support and has backpay they are enforcing now as I got them involved.
Anyway, the main issue that has come to head just now is my mother-in-law. There was parental alienation when we were married that the kids were subjected to when alone with her, but since the divorce that been far more extreme. She lives in New Zealand, visits for several weeks at a time for 2-3 times a year. She speaks to my son on video chat for an hour a day at times, and although I try to monitor it, I can't always and I know its a drip drip drip of negativity about me, his siblings and our lifestyle and it confuses him.
She has been told by my ex many times that she must not badmouth me to them. She promises she won't, but it always happens. Stuff like I'm a bad mother, no discipline, I stole all my ex's money, I'm the cause he could lose his house. The worst part, for me, is that she has started causing problems between the siblings.
My son adores his sister (11), they are best friends, but she says negative things about her and encourages J to do this too. My eldest (19) also witnessed some pretty awful behaviour and informed me too. When my son got back I could see he was damaged by what he heard and confused and I took him to a psychologist for advice and support on how to deal with it.
The upshot of this was the psychologist supported no contact with Mother-in-Law. I invited ex in, said my son would need support but clear emotional abuse and manipulation. Even though he is 18 given his limited capacity she said he is very vulnerable and will always need me to be his advocate. He has a large NDIS package, is on disability, has an official dx of moderate intellectual impairment, and I am his official carer with Centrelink. (I'm not sure if this is relevant or not).
I imparted all this to my ex. His view was that, whilst it's happening, he doesn't deny it, but it's not a big deal. It's normal after a divorce and I should just forget about it. He also said I should be careful because she has expressed she is 'out for my blood', wants to 'take me to court and get me put in prison?' and has sneakily found out where I live!
She kept saying to my ex 'I know where she lives'. She stole a resume from my daughter's room which said my address on it. My ex was saying this to persuade me to drop it, saying he doesn't know what she's capable of, and she's on a mission 'to destroy me'.
So - I have said to my ex that this means even more so that this woman must not have contact with our children and our vulnerable son. Ultimately he disagrees.
What should I do now legally under family law?
Whilst I don't want to withhold the children from their father as they will miss him, I don't want them having any contact with her, which is what will happen when they visit. I can stop the daily chats at my house for sure, but I can't at his. Although it may be in the children's best interests longer term to not see their dad whilst we legally sort this out?
Should I initiate mediation again, even though we have a certificate? Do I initiate court or withhold children and let him do that? I have no access to legal aid due to my settlement (which is now gone due to the rent I had to pay after the divorce, and I walked about with 30 per cent of the assets, but that's another story).
What's my best move now?
I should also add that the family has a history of abuse. Years ago, when I challenged her on her nasty comments to my then 8-year-old daughter, her son (my ex's brother), called me up and said if I didn't stop he would, 'get on a plane and knock me out'. He was 40 at the time.
At our wedding, his auntie and grandmother started to physically assault his father. His other brother, 15 years ago, threatened to put a firebomb through our letterbox when he had a disagreement with my ex. So I am, understandably I think, concerned now about my ex's revelations that she is making threats. Hopefully it's hot air, and maybe legally it isn't relevant, but I think it adds further to the case that I cant have this woman around my children, and I may have to move!
I left my ex-husband 2.5 years ago due to domestic violence. He has a DVO (now expired), that he admitted to - all physical. It was only against me.
We have three children, 18, 11, and 9, and I have 100 per cent care. The 18-year-old has severe special needs, intellectual impairment, and I am his carer (this is relevant I think).
There are no court orders in place, despite me trying to get them. There has been a lot of conflict around getting one in place (I wanted one due to being mucked about with care arrangements and we were having major disagreements about schooling and other things, etc). Mediation was organised, I went, he refused to go. So I was given a certificate. This was 6 months ago.
After about a year of 60/40 (my favour), straight after the divorce, for the past year it's been officially 100 per cent. The younger two go to visit for the day on Saturday (not all the time), and my son (18) stays overnight on a Saturday sometimes. He pays no child support and has backpay they are enforcing now as I got them involved.
Anyway, the main issue that has come to head just now is my mother-in-law. There was parental alienation when we were married that the kids were subjected to when alone with her, but since the divorce that been far more extreme. She lives in New Zealand, visits for several weeks at a time for 2-3 times a year. She speaks to my son on video chat for an hour a day at times, and although I try to monitor it, I can't always and I know its a drip drip drip of negativity about me, his siblings and our lifestyle and it confuses him.
She has been told by my ex many times that she must not badmouth me to them. She promises she won't, but it always happens. Stuff like I'm a bad mother, no discipline, I stole all my ex's money, I'm the cause he could lose his house. The worst part, for me, is that she has started causing problems between the siblings.
My son adores his sister (11), they are best friends, but she says negative things about her and encourages J to do this too. My eldest (19) also witnessed some pretty awful behaviour and informed me too. When my son got back I could see he was damaged by what he heard and confused and I took him to a psychologist for advice and support on how to deal with it.
The upshot of this was the psychologist supported no contact with Mother-in-Law. I invited ex in, said my son would need support but clear emotional abuse and manipulation. Even though he is 18 given his limited capacity she said he is very vulnerable and will always need me to be his advocate. He has a large NDIS package, is on disability, has an official dx of moderate intellectual impairment, and I am his official carer with Centrelink. (I'm not sure if this is relevant or not).
I imparted all this to my ex. His view was that, whilst it's happening, he doesn't deny it, but it's not a big deal. It's normal after a divorce and I should just forget about it. He also said I should be careful because she has expressed she is 'out for my blood', wants to 'take me to court and get me put in prison?' and has sneakily found out where I live!
She kept saying to my ex 'I know where she lives'. She stole a resume from my daughter's room which said my address on it. My ex was saying this to persuade me to drop it, saying he doesn't know what she's capable of, and she's on a mission 'to destroy me'.
So - I have said to my ex that this means even more so that this woman must not have contact with our children and our vulnerable son. Ultimately he disagrees.
What should I do now legally under family law?
Whilst I don't want to withhold the children from their father as they will miss him, I don't want them having any contact with her, which is what will happen when they visit. I can stop the daily chats at my house for sure, but I can't at his. Although it may be in the children's best interests longer term to not see their dad whilst we legally sort this out?
Should I initiate mediation again, even though we have a certificate? Do I initiate court or withhold children and let him do that? I have no access to legal aid due to my settlement (which is now gone due to the rent I had to pay after the divorce, and I walked about with 30 per cent of the assets, but that's another story).
What's my best move now?
I should also add that the family has a history of abuse. Years ago, when I challenged her on her nasty comments to my then 8-year-old daughter, her son (my ex's brother), called me up and said if I didn't stop he would, 'get on a plane and knock me out'. He was 40 at the time.
At our wedding, his auntie and grandmother started to physically assault his father. His other brother, 15 years ago, threatened to put a firebomb through our letterbox when he had a disagreement with my ex. So I am, understandably I think, concerned now about my ex's revelations that she is making threats. Hopefully it's hot air, and maybe legally it isn't relevant, but I think it adds further to the case that I cant have this woman around my children, and I may have to move!