NSW Family Law - Forgoing Property Settlement so Father Can See Kids?

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Jess Anne

Member
3 December 2016
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Hey. So I'm not sure where to start with my question. I can't afford a lawyer so I want to know how to go about this but it still holds some legal weight if needed.

The ex-husband and I have been divorced for 6 months now, so time is ticking. Our assets at the time of separation were worth between 120k and 150k. No house, just cars and household assets, some cash. I walked away with a $20k car and my clothes and personal affects, our child's clothes and toys maybe another $10k. He has kept the rest.

We have 2 young kids together. At time of separation, he encouraged me to move 1200 klms away to family, given what he had done. I was more then happy to do this. I typed up a basic document saying that he had given permission for this to happen.

As I was pregnant at the time and unable to work due to medical conditions with the pregnancy, it was agreed that as it would still be some time after the baby's birth before I got a job, he would travel and foot the expense to come see the kids. It's been 2 years and in that time, he has seen the kids 4 times. Twice it was me that travelled with the kids to see him at my own expense.

He earns in excess of $160k a year, however, has a sublime accountant that makes his taxable income more to the tune of $50 - $60k (I have no interest in dobbing him in, he will get caught on his own doing and not by me. I can't deal with the karma as I feel it's a spiteful thing to do).

He always has excuses to not see the kids, even when I offer to bring them to him, I can't so I've given up. We have no parenting plans or court orders. I remain very flexible with him coming to see them and any Skype communication he wants.

He's recently done tax and his child support has bumped up rather significantly in some ways. I think good as he refused to pay for 8 months and then when he did decide to pay, he paid such a little amount due to not doing tax in years and his last tax assessment been very low. He then caught up with tax and his child support bumped up a little and then he's done this year's tax and it's gone up a lot.

Under normal circumstances, I believe it's more than what it actually costs to raise the two kids but in other ways I think it's good because of him not paying for such a long time and then paying such a minimal amount when he could afford more. While I was struggling to pay for urgent surgery, my son needed money. He refused to help me out to even pay a quarter but went out and bought 2 motor bikes cash for $32k.

When I questioned him how 1 bike let alone 2 bikes was more important than his son's surgery, he told me he pays child support. I need to live within my means?

Moving on, he's now thrown it in my face he can no longer see the kids (not that he has) as it's not financially viable for him and that I'm to pay half of his travel expenses otherwise I'm denying him of a meaningful relationship with his kids. He's now even started on Skype to say to the kids he can't come see them because mummy won't give him money. I know he can do that if he wants but it's just wrong.

So I'm wanting to come to an agreement to say I will forgo my share of our assets, however, if we agree that my share was for example $80k that that's what he's meant to use to come see his kids for like nearly the next 10 years based on his 2 visits over the last 2 years. Is it a reasonable negotiation? Or is it just stupid?

I don't want my kids to come back to me in 15 years times and blame me for not seeing their dad cause he couldn't afford it (when he can well and truly). I can't afford to pay half of his travel expenses. He left me with a lot of debt (which I stupidly agreed to take on in lieu of getting the car) plus the medical expenses for the surgery and on going check ups. I just can't afford it to pay half his travel.

I personally feel like I can deal with loosing out on my share of our assets in property settlement for peace of mind that I did do everything I can to make it financially easy for him to see his kids. If he then still wants to play the poor card, it's not my problem? How would I go about getting something like this written up under family law?

Thanks for your time.
 

Lance

Well-Known Member
31 October 2015
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Hi Jess Anne,

I'm sorry but even if you could afford a lawyer I'm sure they wouldn't advise you that what you are proposing is a good idea. I'm not a lawyer but as a father of 5 the idea of any dad saying he wont pay for his child's surgery and you should use child support, well I find that ridiculous. Child support is to cover the day to day living costs of your children.

Additional unexpected expenses should be discussed and sorted between you both. I would suggest your share of assets would be better served put into an account to be used if your children need other unexpected things.

Your ex-husband isn't going to help you if another child needs surgery and I pray they don't. Your ex agreed to your moving back to your family so the cost associated with visits should not be shared. I agree that it is important for the children to have time with their father but seriously if he doesn't put in the effort I question his motives.

The main thing I would say is if you did put an agreement in place to let him have your share of the remaining assets, do you think he would honour it? Please don't give away your rights. I'm guessing you aren't running around buying motorbikes so any money would be useful.

So maybe a solution is you take the money and have it invested and every now and then when your ex is pulling the mummy isn't paying for my trip your kids can offer to sent him a non refundable ticket. To be honest it sounds like your ex is going to disappoint your children for may years to come. Please look after your family and demand that your ex take some responsibility and pay his own way.
 
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sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
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Forget asset division - he isn't gonna give you a cent and it ain't worth the dollars or energy fighting it in court.

As far as travel goes - there are avenues within the child support system for him to claim travel expenses. Have a look...

2.6.7 Reason 1 - High Costs in Enabling a Parent to Spend Time with, or Communicate with, a Child | Child Support Guide

I'd encourage you to let him know that they can change his payments and reduce them if they see fit. So in short - you just wanna play by the rules. (BTW - he has Buckley's chance of getting reduced payments - but don't mention that to him.)

But once you've done that, I would encourage you to speak to the kids in a polite fashion and correct any statements you hear him say. I'm in a similar situation - I'm the primary carer. I'm also male...

Their mum left chasing some other bloke. I don't tell the kids that but I do worry that when they're older they will think this or that. But you can only worry so much about the future. In my experience, my ex has shown very little interest and as time goes by, she is showing even less - I honestly don't think she will be seeing them at all within a few years and that is despite us having consent orders.
 

Jess Anne

Member
3 December 2016
3
0
1
I thank you both so much for your time and help :)

Lance, no 100% he will no honour the agreement I'm willing to offer, however, sometimes I like to hold hope that he will be the dad our kids deserve. If he were a decent human being this offer would settle money issues with him coming to see them and maybe he would give them more time. At a minimum at least, I will have something in writing to show my kids one day if need be that I did do everything within my means at the time to give their father every chance possible to come see them.

I am not a get what I can kind of person I'm willing to walk away from all the things that he and I worked long hard hours for for peace and quiet and a knowing that I did give it up for the best of my kids and a chance for what all kids want.

Haha I wish I had such money available to me to spend on lavish items when trying to support 2 growing kids who need something new every other week! So sadly no bikes for me!

Sammy, I could swear you are my mother! He will fight me to the death before I get even 1 cent of our shared assets. He believe the car is more than I deserve so to get anything more is going to be an uphill battle, but how could he refuse a deal like this? I'm assuming taking him to court for asset division will be expensive and I won't walk away with much after legal fees and a lot more stress then it was worth.

I feel my kids' dad will be somewhat the same another 5 years and we will hear only from him when he's in between women and needing attention from anyone he can get it from. Your opinion in saying "you can only worry so much about the future" is priceless. I feel like it's what I most needed to hear today, thank you.

Thank you again both :) :)

I wish you both a serendipitous moment.
 

running

Well-Known Member
13 March 2016
25
2
124
I don't think you should allow him the remainder of the assets. You have two small children that you are struggling to raise, and he's paying cash for two motorbikes? And then complaining that it costs to come and see his kids.

What sort of assets are you talking about? They really only value the expensive stuff in property settlement. Because I left, my ex got pretty much everything we owned, and he only had to pay out for the stuff he decided to declare.

Have you taken into account his superannuation when valuing the assets?

Apply for Legal Aid and see if they can help.

Stay away from lawyers, as they will eat those assets up as quick as you can look at them.
 

Rach

Member
6 December 2016
2
0
1
If you call CSA and let them know that he refused to pay for the surgery you can request an assessment and submit a claim. They work out if the claim ticks all the relevant boxes then they split the costs I believe based on your care %. Its worth asking them.
 

sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
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2,894
Yep, CSA might help with the cost of the operation. Legal aid won't help with asset / property matters. So if he won't agree to give you some of the assets then either give up (good idea) or go spend money on a solicitor (bad idea)...

If you had assets worth a few hundred thousand, then it would be worth the legal expense...

My opinion - not worth it - move on. Stress less. Do you really need 2 years of eating finger nails because 1 - you can't afford food and 2 - you're so bloody stressed about the next court appearance?