NSW Who out there knows how to stop a narcissist?

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MumwithkidsNSW

Active Member
26 October 2018
6
2
34
NSW
I am trying to co-parent with a narc. I saw through his mask, and he is after revenge at any and every turn. We have been separated over 5 years and through one child, he has had me in courts on and off for the last 5 years.

We finally got final orders which says we equal parent, but the child lives with mother... One of the orders says if the child expresses a strong wish to both parents or a third party for more than 3 months we need to work through how we can make this happen (pretty much). The child displayed strong behaviour and desire (refusing school etc) wanting to try living with the other parent. Rather than jump through hoops.. I allowed this to occur with a statement of agreement through email, that it was a trial, for a minimum school term. Child seemed to do well at school. I saw child at 6 weeks, then again at 12 weeks, then 15 weeks.

At 12 week mark child said he wanted to come back. We both spoke to the father about his concerns. These were promptly dismissed and the child said he'd settled back in and was ok. Roll on 15 weeks, child spends time back with mother in home and refuses to go back.

Mum informs dad that child has refused.. and has been battling father and father's threats through his solicitors ever since (mother is self represented). Child discloses abuse, which mother reports to child protection. Child refuses to tell father why he won't return, other than he is more comfortable living with the mother. Mother can't tell father exactly why as he will find a way to use it back onto her.

Father keeps threatening recovery order (which I technically think isn't something he can do, given the evidence to the final orders, the mother allowing the child to "try" living with dad, and now voting with his feet not to return. We have alluded to the abuse, but haven't spelt it out yet. This will be done if he starts an application in the court when we are asked about notice of risk.

In the meantime the father's solicitor has dictated that we make the child attend an independent psychologist some 2.5 hours drive each way, which we have done. We are now waiting for his report as to what the child's wishes are, before the father starts his application.

I have no money. He has plenty to continue the fight. I need for this to stop. My health is deteriorating and so is the child's. The child's anxiety is lifting again after having to attend this latest appointment. In the orders I am banned from saying anything about the "case" to the child, so I have to say virtually nothing, so he thinks I am keeping stuff from him. Any advice please?

Particularly someone legally who has dealt with high conflict and NPD or BPD. For the last 5 years, mostly all correspondence is via text or email, because he will deny anything spoken via phone, facetime or in person. So although we attempt to co-parent, it is really parrallel parenting, as I don't wish to engage him and feed the "supply" he gets from any attention from me.
 

Maxum Maximus

Well-Known Member
27 October 2018
15
5
99
MumwithkidsNSW,
I hear you.
I'm the child/football of a father with NPD.
My father ended up 'getting everything' through charm, swindling and crime when it came to the divorce settlement with my Mum.
As the child, I grew up.. the narcissistic supply waned from the child and so the narcissist moved on to other narcissistic supplies.
I awoke to this monster that is/was my biological father.
Now the narcissist is in palliative care, on oxygen with leukemia at 93. Alone. Soon to be dead.
Still he plays his games - wanting to die without a will signed so his 'legacy' can live a few more years... even if it does just mean causing suffering to his only child.
I hear you.
 
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Maxum Maximus

Well-Known Member
27 October 2018
15
5
99
MumwithkidsNSW,
I hear you.
I'm the child/football of a father with NPD.
My father ended up 'getting everything' through charm, swindling and crime when it came to the divorce settlement with my Mum.
As the child, I grew up.. the narcissistic supply waned from the child and so the narcissist moved on to other narcissistic supplies.
I awoke to this monster that is/was my biological father.
Now the narcissist is in palliative care, on oxygen with leukemia at 93. Alone. Soon to be dead.
Still he plays his games - wanting to die without a will signed so his 'legacy' can live a few more years... even if it does just mean causing suffering to his only child.
I hear you.

IMO: the strategy to defend/defeat a narcissist must be legal and more.
You are dealing with a tragic and difficult Personality Disorder first and foremost.
His legal attack is informed, targeted and define by that NPD.
To the narcissist; the law is just another tool for her/him to 'play the world'... like we all are!

When, and only when, you can "pollute the narcissist's perception of the supply" will you get the narcissist to stop seeking for that supply.

Strategy, Tactics, Actions.. I'd gladly and happily try to help you stop yet another narcissistic monster from damaging/destroying yet another child.
 

Complex16

Well-Known Member
27 July 2016
118
15
454
Agree. Though MumwithkidsNSW is likely hoping for a quicker/better answer than "their karma will eventually catch up with them"

No doubt, but sometimes these things can't be rushed. Narcissists are clever, manipulative. In my experience you have to bide your time and wait it out. Not ideal no, but you're not dealing with a rational person here.
 
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MumwithkidsNSW

Active Member
26 October 2018
6
2
34
NSW
IMO: the strategy to defend/defeat a narcissist must be legal and more.
You are dealing with a tragic and difficult Personality Disorder first and foremost.
His legal attack is informed, targeted and define by that NPD.
To the narcissist; the law is just another tool for her/him to 'play the world'... like we all are!

When, and only when, you can "pollute the narcissist's perception of the supply" will you get the narcissist to stop seeking for that supply.

Strategy, Tactics, Actions.. I'd gladly and happily try to help you stop yet another narcissistic monster from damaging/destroying yet another child.

Thank you Maxum Maximus! Yes. Over the last 5 years I have read about NPD and BPD. Whilst in the relationship I knew stuff was "wrong".. but I didn't realise this was the issue until I tried to work out what had happened. Just when I think I have "it" under control.. I get blindsided at every legal attack. I go straight back into PTSD mode each and every time. I dont ever let him think he has that affect on me. Although, any attention to a NPD is supply for them. It's very hard to go no contact or grey rock when you are expected to co-parent with this person.. and the orders you have been given from the court stop you from talking about it.. with anyone. I'd love any help you are able to provide. Thank you :) x
 

MumwithkidsNSW

Active Member
26 October 2018
6
2
34
NSW
MumwithkidsNSW,
I hear you.
I'm the child/football of a father with NPD.
My father ended up 'getting everything' through charm, swindling and crime when it came to the divorce settlement with my Mum.
As the child, I grew up.. the narcissistic supply waned from the child and so the narcissist moved on to other narcissistic supplies.
I awoke to this monster that is/was my biological father.
Now the narcissist is in palliative care, on oxygen with leukemia at 93. Alone. Soon to be dead.
Still he plays his games - wanting to die without a will signed so his 'legacy' can live a few more years... even if it does just mean causing suffering to his only child.
I hear you.

I strongly believe my father was also a narcissist. Alcohol and violent rages hid any real diagnosis.. but now it makes sense. Mine has been dead 8 years.. Life is better without the eggshells that was my life for 40 odd years.. but then I obviously replaced it with the father of my child, who continues to revenge me for "outing" his behaviour. I hope you have some peace soon.
 

MumwithkidsNSW

Active Member
26 October 2018
6
2
34
NSW
The court orders prevent you from seeing a therapist to discuss?
Technically yes. But I have sought therapy and continue to do so to keep my sanity. It's more so I can't forwarn the loves in his life that follow me, speak about it with his family (which I tried), or speak about him in a derogatory fashion in front of the child etc.
 
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