SA Custody for controlling/abusive ex

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New Member
2 October 2020
My partner has been in a legal battle with her ex after he walked out from his own controlling relationship. He has never shown any interest in the child and we have reports from negligent to deliberate and dangerous acts. This all happened in the first 6 months of the child's life but he is still showing major signs of trauma from court imposed visits and after the separation we have had stalking, car tires punctured in our driveway (witg the child seat in the car) among other things. Unfortunately we have a lot of photos but not enough to put things to a stop or on hold.

Obviously our number 1 concern is for the safety of the child and what he is capable of unsupervised.

Secondly, we are concerned for the psychological damage his control will put on the child who barely knows him (only calls me, his step dad dad along with his siblings which are mine) and has never had any sort of a relationship.

Thirdly, even if it all goes well we are told he has the power to refuse things like holidays, weekend sports, anything that can clash with his time even if the child wants to do these things. What are our rights here, what are his rights? Every child has a right to be with their siblings or family that love them for Christmas etc, play sport on weekends and look forward to a holiday. There's every will refuse all of this out of spite if he gets the opportunity.

Personally I'm happy for him to go any time as long as it's in the child's best interests and as long as he feels safe (clearly not the case right now but it seems court can't see that), but if a controlling father can do things like this out of pure spite and not cooperate with any reasonable request where does that leave us?


Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
ok so do you have court orders?
what do the court orders say?
My advice changes based on those questions, but for now I"m working under the assumption you have final court / consent orders?

Next - read your post again. It sounds like you need a bit of an attitude re-adjustment... Dad is evil, dad did this, dad doesn't care. So calm down and keep reading.

See you said you have reports of neglicence? But it sounds like that was old news. So not really relevant. But you haven't given any details.

Concerns over psychological damage? has the child been taken to a psychologist? Or are you doing the diagnosing here? are you qualified to do that? Would it be bloody easy to make the case that you're too emotionally involved to ensure your judgement isn't clouded? YES. btw.

So weekend sports, holidays etc. Your rights? you have a right to organise stuff during your time with the child. I"m assuming you have court orders? So you don't have the right to expect the dad to "cooperate with any reasonable request". Actually, you kinda sound controlling when you say that... To paraphrase - again assuming there are court orders here... You think dad is unreasonable because he wont agree to vary from the orders. Actually, you are unreasonable for expecting him to vary from the orders. No doubt the orders say 'or by agreement'. So you reckon he is unreasonable because he doesn't agree. That sounds like you're the unreasonable one...

Now calm down....
So which one is it. Dad has never had any sort of a relationship with the child OR dad has sees the kid every other weekend? because you can't have both. Either the dad is around and his time with the kid impacts on the kid's ability to do weekend sport OR the dad doens't see the kid every other weekend and as such dad doesn't impact on the kid doing weekend sport. Which one is it?

Oh and my favorite. "every child has a right to be with their siblings or family that love them for Christmas". So you have decided dad doesn't love his kid? REALLY? And the kid should never get to spend time with dad at Christmas because you and your lot love the kid so much more and are like totally much better people.

Now once you've calmed down... why not try posting again. Be specific and you'll get good advice here. But based on what you've written you needed the dressing down. That said. If you have real concerns for the welfare of the child then you should report it via your doctor as a starting point - but given what you've written above, I reckon you might be on a hiding to nothing. WHY? well after initially mentioning welfare concerns you then went on a rant about holidays and weekend sport. Not really the stuff of child abuse is it?

But like I said - it all depends on what the court orders say - assuming you have court orders...


Well-Known Member
21 October 2020
Are there parenting plans in place and how old is the child?

Coercion and control and serious allegations but will not be viewed well if you cannot back that up. For example, you refer to stalking but how do you know this? Is there photographic evidence? Stalking is most certainly a form of domestic violence. You also refer to major signs of trauma? Is this being backed up by a professional?

Agree with the post above though - intimating that a father doesn't love his child is a slippery slope and the child has a right to a meaningful relationship with its parents. Also it's wise to think in the following way: It's not about "your rights" or "his rights" it is about the child's rights and the child's best interests.

What has initiated this request though? Has a request for more time been made? What are the current orders in place?