VIC Potential Denigration of Parent - Write to ICL?

[Jace]

Hi all

I am currently going through the legal process of parenting orders. There is a clause in force currently that says "That neither parent denigrate or speak insultingly about the parent or members of that other parents family or discuss these proceedings or any issues in dispute between the parents, with the child or in his presence or hearing or allow anyone else to do so."

So I have a bald patch on the back of my head, and to be honest, I really couldn't care less that it's there, and anything that is said to or about me from anyone has no effect on me.

My son's maternal grandmother, while talking to my son, refers regularly to me as "Mr Baldy". He tells me he doesn't like it when she says this.

He has just been given a mobile phone by his mother (no idea why, he is 6 years old), and I found myself in the contacts listed as "Boldy", clearly meant to be "Baldy" but I'm not surprised she doesn't know how to spell it properly. I renamed the contact to "Daddy".

So, as I'm self-representing, I'm going to be sending a letter to her and my son's Independent Children's Lawyer or ICL addressing it, but I'm not sure if it actually does come under the classification of "denigration" or "insulting" or anything else, and hoping someone can clarify this for me? TIA!

 

[Rod]

It is denigration and can be insulting as well.

 

[Cairnsdad]

Mate perhaps looking at the glass half full here, there are far worse things your ex wife and ex mother in law could be calling you in front of your 6 yr old. My ex wife was way more creative and colourful in the names she used to use for me in front of my sons.

In all seriousness though the fact she has changed the name in the phone contacts was almost certainly done for you to find which you did. Sounds like she is taking the low road to get to you and it is working. The time you waste on this won't be worth the best possible outcome you could ever get from making it into something. Even if you could somehow prove it, which is unlikely would be for the Judge to simply tell her to stop. That doesn't mean she will stop it will just mean she will know it bothered you enough to make something of it.

The best way ever I found to not only deflect the pettiness that my ex resorted to was to ignore it and when my sons told me about it turn it into a bit of a joke so they knew it didn't upset me and therefore they wouldn't give it another thought. The awesome bonus to this as well is she will know it didn't phase you will will do way more psychologically to her than you.

Focus on the end game mate which is maximum time with your little boy and to get that you need to demonstrate to the court that you are the best possible father you can be which means you didn't denigrate your ex at any point.

Just note it in your diary when he told you his grandmother said it and when you found it in the phone and changed it.

 

[AllForHer]

Hmm.

Look, I've only ever seen one contravention order application succeed for denigration, and it took about two years to have it sorted. Mum got nothing but a slap on the wrist and ordered to enter a bond, which is basically a "second chance" order. She might stop calling you baldy, but she'll probably come up with some other passive aggressive insult to get under your skin, so you have to ask yourself, is it worth it?

You're already in Court, so if you want it brought to the judge's attention, pop it into an affidavit, but I wouldn't make a hoo-haa about it by asking her to change, only because if you react to it, she kind of wins.

So, when your son says anything about your ex's commentary on your baldness, take a dad approach, rather than a legal one.

Do you know who else is bald?

Charles Xavier, of X-men.

Aang, of Avatar.

Nick Fury, of S.H.I.E.L.D.

The list goes on and on.

 

[sammy01]

pick your battles....
Not one worth fighting through court...
So I'm a teacher and I run a course on bullying.... Next time the child mentions that he doesn't like the way grandma speaks to you, sit the kid down.... Have a chat... Tell the kid that the comments are not very nice and that granny is not being a very nice person.... Tell the kid, if he wants, next time granny says it, he can say something like "that is my dad, I love my dad, stop being so rude"

Plan B - write to mother via email preferably, BE VERY POLITE...explain that you changed the name on the phone to 'daddy'. Tell the ex you have had a chat to the child about the poor choices she and granny have made and that both of them need to understand that when you say something negative to a child about one of their parents, the person you are hurting most is the child and that the child will lose respect for the person saying the negative comments.

Plan C - Tell the kid to ignore the comments that the comments are bullying and bullies are best avoided.

Mate no court order can make an idiot stop being an idiot....

 

[nat 2015]

This is the problem I am having at the moment, with my boys I have told them to ignore it.
I am learning to get thick skin, but sometimes that's hard to do

 

[teflongirl]

It happened to me too and because I was quite naïve I sort of wasn't expecting it and so chose not to be offended bc basically we all know its immature. Stuff pops out all the time and I figured if tis so apparent others will notice and low and behold third party organisations complained about it on my behalf. Stay true to your objective!

 

[SleeplessInSalisbury]

Hi Jace,

Totally understand your pain.........been going through it for the last 8 years. However like Cairnsdad mentioned, not reacting to your ex's antics shows you are the more mature parent and makes them look stupid and not a good role model.

Sammy0 mentioned something in Plan B that is so true because I have experienced this in my kids. My ex has always "slagged" in front of the kids plus more
They are now 8 years older and wiser now and they have no repect for their dad and that was 100 percent his doing. One of my children even mentioned that he is amazed of how well I speak of their dad. He doesn't have the time or day for his dad now and is only going there to protect his siblings. The other 2 also starting to feel the same as their brother.

I know taking the high road is much harder, but it is well worth it as not only are you being the better parent, you are also role modelling positive behaviours and teaching them resillience. Don't worry about going down the legal road, your ex does not deserve your time being wasted on her.