QLD Ex refused mediation. Refuses a Fair plan at Christmas.

Discussion in 'Family Law Forum' started by Tommo, 20 October 2018.

  1. Tommo

    Tommo Active Member

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    Hi,

    So my ex and I have been sharing 50/50 care of our son for the past year and a half after separating. It has been a constant on and off affair with my ex deciding one day she wants to be nice and the next an awful human being. Because of this I thought seeking a parenting plan could solve things as it would help us come to an agreement. She refused it and I received a 60I certificate.

    Until now I haven't done anything with it because she seemed to start cooperating. But of course as stupid as I could be now shes decided all of a sudden to be awful again. This time shes telling me that because Christmas falls on her week that I don't get to spend time with my son. I want to take my son back to visit my family (a flight) and suggested we split it i.e i get the dates before xmas and have him back xmas day and she then gets him xmas day onwards. of course this would be on her week but she would have him on my week to compensate. I even said if she wanted we could do it so she has him for this xmas week this year and i have him next and so on.

    So my question is this, it seems shes never really going to be able to compromise even if it seems like it sometimes it always comes back to this. So i have this 60I certificate I take it the next step is going to court. Will this solve the issue? When parenting orders are made do they draw up special dates like this?

    Thanks in advance
     
  2. Rod

    Rod Well-Known Member
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    Parenting orders will not automagically turn your ex into an always nice person.

    Parenting orders often discuss special dates (mother's day, birthdays, Xmas etc), and can alternate between even and odd years.
     
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  3. Tommo

    Tommo Active Member

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    I realise she'll never be i nice person this much is clear. But yeah i was curious i guess how they handled the splitting of dates. Do you know the next steps to take at all?
     
  4. Rod

    Rod Well-Known Member
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  5. sammy01

    sammy01 Well-Known Member

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    Ok - so you're not gonna like the first bit... You have a routine. You can ask for a change, she is under NO obligation to say yes... Doesn't mean she is nasty. Just means she doesn't agree... Calm down. It gets better.

    There are no set rules about what courts will do. You apply to court and they consider your request.
    As a general rule they will either alternate - So make an order like this:
    If the child is not otherwise with dad In odd years then the orders are suspended so that dad has the kid from 2pm Christmas eve until noon on Christmas day.
    And vis-versa in even yrs - for example. ESPECIALLY when the parents live close by as you guys obviously do...
    OR if there is distance then split the summer holidays in half alternating each year as to who has the first half (which obviously includes Christmas)

    So I've had both scenarios... I hated handing the kids back half way through Christmas. I kinda like the half holiday arrangement which is what I now have.

    So here is what I want you to do... PAINFUL - but... do it. Get calendars for the next 5 yrs. The best one to use is the website of the school system the kid attends. So if the kid is in public school in QLD find the QLD public school website. They should have the next few yrs worth of calendars, with school holidasy etc already prepared. If you're smart with spreadsheets it might not be so bad (I'm not that smart)... Work it out. All of it... For the next 5 yrs. Father's day - MOTHERS DAY. Kid's birthday, your birthday - HER birthday. Christmas... Might make an interesting picture- You might wanna suck it up and know that next year the kid is with you Christmas week? Might make for some interesting maths... Maybe you could go to her with that information and let her think about it.
    BUT - I have a problem... Well you do really... The ex can change her mind.. So hypothetically, you have the kid next Christmans all of a sudden she likes your idea of swapping half way through the day. And will tell you it was YOUR IDEA... Or IF it is your week, she will just keep the kid because it is more important the kid is with mum at Chirstmas (well more important to mum anyways).
    You asked the next steps to take?
    OPTIONS:
    1. Suck it up. Mate you've got 50/50 care. Half your luck.

    2. Suck it up - yep wrote it twice because I think it is your best option... So you asked will court solve it? The answer is MAYBE... See court order cant make an idiot stop being an idiot...Story time cpt 1-Christmas 2014 The ex tells me she is gonna go away for the week. So she agrees for me to have the kids all Christmas week SWEET. No change over at noon. It was my year to have the second half of Christmas day. I'm stoked... Move forward to 2015. My turn to have the kids Christmas eve according to the orders. She tells me I'm not having them at all because she missed Christmas last year. So it was HER choice to miss them. My family has set itself up around alternate years based on MY COURT ORDERS. She relented, but my point is even court orders are no guarantee. And once Santa has left, no court can bring him back.... So even with court order, your ex will still be the same person. No court can change that... SADLY.

    3.Parenting plan. Forget it. They are not enforcable. They are toilet paper.

    4. Try and get consent orders, like I said, if you do the spreadsheet thing you might be able to go to her and show how some consent orders are fair, BUT more importantly help her, SHE isn't interested in FAIR, she is interested in HERSELF. And IF your calendar math show she wont have the kid on HER birthday, Mother's day etc etc.. She might wanna play nice. So you could have stuff in there like IF mother's day / Mother's birthday falls on a day when the kid is normally with dad - the normal rules get suspended - and of course same applies to you.... I like this one. You guys can write them yourselves. You can offer to pay the filing fee... (worth it if you chose this option) So it can be pretty cheap. BUT you are inviting an argument... OR to put it simply, you'll have to talk to her... Best avoided in my experience.You'll spend hours writing them up, you'll spend hours here asking for advice, hours hours hours, she'll read them and tell you she doesn't like the font, the paper it is printed on, the ink used to print it. She will want this changed and that and for all that she might refuse to sign at the end anyways. You will wind up with grey hair and a drinking problem for the effort. And there is every chance that even with orders that she signed - she wont follow them. What then? applying to court over trivial stuff will only cause you stress.
    Story time cpt 2. My original consent orders said I could call the kids on Tuesday and Thursday between 6pm-6.30pm. If I called at 5.59, she would not answer... IF I called at 6.01 NO ANSWER. Then a text message would arrive telling me I had to follow the orders and stop harassing her...It was a game and she was winning. Nope she was thumping me. Worth taking her to court over? NOPE. So I gave up on the phone calls. Then she tells the kids, daddy never calls you does he???HHMMM...
    Option 4.1 - Forget the calendar - too hard in my world (even though it would make for some interesting reading) and just write to her.
    Dear ex.
    I understand your perspective about maintaining the week about routine and your preference to maintain that throughout the year. However, I'd like your perspective on how that is going to work in the event that your birthday happens when the child is with me? OR If mother's day falls when the child is with me? Do you agree that you're prepared to spend those days without the child? Or would you like to work with me to create consent orders so that there are clear rules that are in everyones best interest...

    5. Court -Santa has already left the north pole for this year BUT like Rod said, apply to court, I'd suggest you could self represent because the stakes are not high... Stupid comparision time. Brake pads on my car - Mechanic. Changing a flat tyre DIY. I'd spend a fortune IF it was fighting to get decent access to the kids. But you already have that. So self-repping aint a bad idea... So you're wasting your time in the short term. So go back to option 1... Be patient. Wait for her to want a favour... Then consider your options. Maybe a nicely worded letter about getting consent orders so that we have a clear understanding.... Maybe when she wants a favour from you she might be more interested in playing nicely (so you do the favour).

    Happy ending time...

    So now is the bit where I contradict EVERYTHING i have just written. WHY? RELOCATION... Story time cpt 3. I live 2 hours south of Sydney. I eventually had 5 nights a fortnight and half holidays, all via consent orders and a no relocation beyond 50km clause. Move forward a few yrs. The new love of her life is moving 6 hours away and she wants to go with him and take the kids... Courtesy of this site and my own reading I'm confident my ex has got nothing.... Letter from her solicitor telling me she is going to move and I need to suck it up, after all she is their mum etc etc and she'll apply to court and I will waste money trying to stop her and I will lose.... BUT I have stamped consent orders 'no relocation'. So I write back and inform solicitor I'm not agreeing to the move and she can apply to court if she wants. She dumps the kids on me and leaves....

    Look, you're in a pretty safe place because you have 50/50... But court orders give more certainty (and to be honest, not 100% guaranteed certianty - but stamped orders are the safest bet you can have). In the end the ex left... I now have consent orders and they say "the children live with their father and spend time with their mother". Happy ending...
    So there is a bit of thinking for you, now go put on your comfy shoes and go for a long walk to think it all through.
    cheers
     
  6. miguel

    miguel Well-Known Member

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    Hi Tommo

    She might apply for an IVO against you, take precautions - take witnesses, make sure you always have an ally with you when you see her, communicate via email only and make sure like conditions are put in your orders lest she apply for an IVO after the parenting orders.
     
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