NSW Ex Refusing Mediation - What Can We Do?

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Louise too

Well-Known Member
28 November 2018
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My brother going through a really bad time. Worried about him.

Ex had affairs for 2 years while with my brother. My brother tried to make the marriage work for 2 years, however, ex continued going out every weekend and have more affairs and kick him out back in December, stating she wanted her own life.

He has access to his girls every weekend and on Thursday nights. My brother met a lovely lady months later and that’s when ex wanted brother back. New girls were introduced to kids 8 months later.

Most Sundays ex refuses to take kids back at arranged drop off time at 2 pm. Last minute she refuses the girls and wants them dropped off that night or he has to have them overnight and take to school. Her excuse is she is too tired or lying about working, therefore impacting his work.

She is now changing arrangements every week with times, esp drop off times ( which affects kids, raising anxiety not knowing why they can’t see mum at 2 pm).

Starting to threaten to refuse him access to girls on weekends, etc. and kept threatening not to have girls at all at Christmas, etc.

She is encouraging parental alienation and kids starting to question their dad regarding adult issues. For example blaming him for breaking up family, saying mum owns the house, not dad, etc, etc, and starting to affect the relationship with their dad.

She is refusing to go to mediation. She messages him on a daily basis saying hurtful things about him and how girls hate him. He has been issued with 60i Cert.

He can’t keep this up on daily basis, especially the girls starting to question him on adult issues. And ex messages him every day with emotional abuse and consistently asking him for money.

My brother pays $250 weekly for 3 girls 7 8 and 10. For ex to have girls 4 arvos a week. As well car her car repayments, her rego , house insurance and contents as well as extra for birthdays and school holidays.

When she asks for extra and my brother says no she gets very emotionally abusive and involves girls saying daddy does not care about us, etc. Lawyers involved and not really saying anything, except, try with mediation and go to court.

This is urgent as kids are being emotionally abused by mum by encouraging them to hate dad

Help us, please.
 

Rod

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As well car her car repayments , her rego , house insurance and contents as well as extra for birthdays and school holidays.

Your brother is enabling the abuse. He needs to stand up and refuse to take it. Go straight to court with the 60I certificate and cut out all the nonsense the ex is playing. He may need some assertiveness training in how to handle his ex because at the moment based on what you are saying he has no idea on how to cope with her abuse.

This is part legal, part personal development.
 

Louise too

Well-Known Member
28 November 2018
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389
Thank you for your reply.

That’s what we keep saying about assertiveness but it always turns out worse and affecting the girls.

For example if she states she can’t have her own children back on Sunday what can he do ? If she simply is not home to receive the girls ?

How long does not take to go to court ?

And if 60i Cert issues because she does not want to attend can she be liable for court costs ?
 

Rod

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He should consider keeping a diary of events.

He keeps the kids if he can't return them. So, he setups and prepares for this circumstance and when it happens he knows what he is going to do without stressing over when he is going to hear from his ex. He takes the kids home, to grandparents of either side, whatever works for him. What he doesn't do is contact the ex multiple times waiting on her to do something. He needs to take back the control he has ceded to her.

Failing to attend mediation is not going to make her liable for court costs.
 
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sammy01

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27 September 2015
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1. Be assertive but polite in explaining to the kids his perspective. Be honest and age appropriate.

2. Stop paying. Stuff that... I've been a fan of paying additional child support if it meant the ex would play nice. Clearly this chick cant handle the kids. Let her threaten to withhold them. She'll probably do it too. For a week. Then she will get tired / hung over/ have a party to go to and she will drop them off with him.

3. Tell him to save the $$ he is wasting by giving it to her and use it to get to court.

Solicitors are hard work. If you don't tell them to apply to court they wont. They will continue writing letters and taking your money. Better to spend that money on getting into court.
 
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Louise too

Well-Known Member
28 November 2018
112
1
389
Thank you for replies.

I appreciate the time you took to reply. Ok. Sounds like court is only option.

He was thinking of negotiating to take less percentage of house settlement in return for ex to attend mediation?

Does the court take long?

Can someone explain the application process and costs?

Latest is he can’t have kids due to his car needing airbag recall check and she will not let kids in the car.

Thank you again. My brother appreciates this.
 

Rod

Lawyer
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27 May 2014
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Latest is he can’t have kids due to his car needing airbag recall check and she will not let kids in the car.
When that is fixed, another problem will magically pop-up.

He was thinking of negotiating to take less percentage of house settlement in return for ex to attend mediation?
Silly idea.Save the money for lawyers fees to get the parenting orders he wants. Why hand money to someone who is making difficult and will in all likelihood continue to make life difficult regardless of what she gets in settlement. To her the issue is not money, and therefore unlikely to be solved with money.

Does the court take long?
Yep, especially when dealing with an unreasonable party.

Can someone explain the application process and costs?
See a lawyer or 2 and do lots of reading online.
 
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Louise too

Well-Known Member
28 November 2018
112
1
389
1. Be assertive but polite in explaining to the kids his perspective. Be honest and age appropriate.

2. Stop paying. Stuff that... I've been a fan of paying additional child support if it meant the ex would play nice. Clearly this chick cant handle the kids. Let her threaten to withhold them. She'll probably do it too. For a week. Then she will get tired / hung over/ have a party to go to and she will drop them off with him.

3. Tell him to save the $$ he is wasting by giving it to her and use it to get to court.

Solicitors are hard work. If you don't tell them to apply to court they wont. They will continue writing letters and taking your money. Better to spend that money on getting into court.
Thank G
1. Be assertive but polite in explaining to the kids his perspective. Be honest and age appropriate.

2. Stop paying. Stuff that... I've been a fan of paying additional child support if it meant the ex would play nice. Clearly this chick cant handle the kids. Let her threaten to withhold them. She'll probably do it too. For a week. Then she will get tired / hung over/ have a party to go to and she will drop them off with him.

3. Tell him to save the $$ he is wasting by giving it to her and use it to get to court.

Solicitors are hard work. If you don't tell them to apply to court they wont. They will continue writing letters and taking your money. Better to spend that money on getting into court.

Thank you for reply.
He had already started implementing the above.
Esp child support. And about telling lawyers decision to go to court instead of sending letters.

In the meantime any tips, advice about going to court. ?
Anyone can post anything about outcomes of going tho court. ?
 

sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
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720
2,894
don't be stupid... sorry but giving her money in return for her attending mediation? Sure, I'll take that. Grab the money and attend mediation but don't agree to anything.
Get the airbags fixed. Offer to pick kids up in a taxi.

does court take long? Nope U'm Yes.. he would get a first hearing pretty quick. Maybe 12 weeks and he would have interim orders.
Have a read
How do I apply for Parenting Orders? - Federal Circuit Court of Australia

tips for going to court - document everything. Learn how to download text messages. Be smart, don't write anything to her that you would not want a judge to read.
Outcomes from court. Sure I could post a link to cases. It will send you mad reading them. Don't bother.
But the legislislation is worth a read / I'll summarise the bit you should like best. A Magistrate MUST consider 50/50 care when it is practical to do so.

Can you provide a bit more detail.
When did they break up?
Is she living in the family home? does it have a mortgage? is he paying it?

what sort of stuff is mum telling the kids?

Amateur child psychologist here... He needs to get smart with that stuff. Kids are smarter than they seem (kinda). I've been there. So you know how kids will sometimes get a jingle from an ad on tv stuck in their heads? Go with me on this one... Well I had a few sayings that I'd repeat when needed. 'Mum and dad both love you very much but we agreed that it would be best if we didn't live together because we argued lots. It was not my fault, it was not mum's fault. But it is better this way..."
Next - When dropping off the kids I'd always tell them to tell me what was the best thing about their time with me and I'd tell them about something I've got planned for next time. So it is always positive and gives them something to look forward to.

When I picked up the kids... always have a small treat or stop for an iceblock as soon as I was far away from mum. Pavlov's dogs... Look it up. I conditioned my kids to see coming with me as being associated with something nice...

Now I don't doubt that some nutter will get on here and accuse me of child abuse. But they are nutters. What was child abuse was the ex telling the kids that daddy took all the money and daddy doesn't love them... I was simply trying to counter that crap without being that crap.
rant over.
Keep us informed how you go
 

Louise too

Well-Known Member
28 November 2018
112
1
389
don't be stupid... sorry but giving her money in return for her attending mediation? Sure, I'll take that. Grab the money and attend mediation but don't agree to anything.
Yes great point. Thank you.
Get the airbags fixed. Offer to pick kids up in a taxi.
Yeah. Lately there as always been issues with pick up and drop offs. Air bags can’t be fixed for another 2 weeks. I pick up drop off on Thursday evenings. Pick up Friday after school. Then drop off Sunday if ex decides she can have them.

does court take long? Nope U'm Yes.. he would get a first hearing pretty quick. Maybe 12 weeks and he would have interim orders.
Have a read
How do I apply for Parenting Orders? - Federal Circuit Court of Australia

tips for going to court - document everything. Learn how to download text messages. Be smart, don't write anything to her that you would not want a judge to read.
Outcomes from court. Sure I could post a link to cases. It will send you mad reading them. Don't bother.
But the legislislation is worth a read / I'll summarise the bit you should like best. A Magistrate MUST consider 50/50 care when it is practical to do so.
Ok great to know.

Can you provide a bit more detail.
When did they break up?
Is she living in the family home? does it have a mortgage? is he paying it?
He moved out December 2017.
Ex lives in the family home.
Yes he was paying mortgage until October. He has now frozen repayments. As he could not afford both mortgage and paying his own rent.
He also pays for her car loan repayments.
House recently sold.
She is due to move out 18 December.
She is demanding that he helps him move out.





what sort of stuff is mum telling the kids?
She is saying that He broke up the family
Then saying his girlfriend broke up family and encouraging girls to ‘hate’ her.
Girlfriend gave birthday card to my brother , children took it out of their dads drawer and bought home to mum. Ex is abusing brother for it.
Children asking dad for money to give to mum so she can take kids on holidays.
Dad does not care for them anymore and soon mum will get new dad and forget about their real dad. Etc etc.


Amateur child psychologist here... He needs to get smart with that stuff. Kids are smarter than they seem (kinda). I've been there. So you know how kids will sometimes get a jingle from an ad on tv stuck in their heads? Go with me on this one... Well I had a few sayings that I'd repeat when needed. 'Mum and dad both love you very much but we agreed that it would be best if we didn't live together because we argued lots. It was not my fault, it was not mum's fault. But it is better this way..."
Next - When dropping off the kids I'd always tell them to tell me what was the best thing about their time with me and I'd tell them about something I've got planned for next time. So it is always positive and gives them something to look forward to.

When I picked up the kids... always have a small treat or stop for an iceblock as soon as I was far away from mum. Pavlov's dogs... Look it up. I conditioned my kids to see coming with me as being associated with something nice...

Now I don't doubt that some nutter will get on here and accuse me of child abuse. But they are nutters. What was child abuse was the ex telling the kids that daddy took all the money and daddy doesn't love them... I was simply trying to counter that crap without being that crap.
rant over.
Keep us informed how you go
don't be stupid... sorry but giving her money in return for her attending mediation? Sure, I'll take that. Grab the money and attend mediation but don't agree to anything.
Get the airbags fixed. Offer to pick kids up in a taxi.

does court take long? Nope U'm Yes.. he would get a first hearing pretty quick. Maybe 12 weeks and he would have interim orders.
Have a read
How do I apply for Parenting Orders? - Federal Circuit Court of Australia

tips for going to court - document everything. Learn how to download text messages. Be smart, don't write anything to her that you would not want a judge to read.
Outcomes from court. Sure I could post a link to cases. It will send you mad reading them. Don't bother.
But the legislislation is worth a read / I'll summarise the bit you should like best. A Magistrate MUST consider 50/50 care when it is practical to do so.

Can you provide a bit more detail.
When did they break up?
Is she living in the family home? does it have a mortgage? is he paying it?

what sort of stuff is mum telling the kids?

Amateur child psychologist here... He needs to get smart with that stuff. Kids are smarter than they seem (kinda). I've been there. So you know how kids will sometimes get a jingle from an ad on tv stuck in their heads? Go with me on this one... Well I had a few sayings that I'd repeat when needed. 'Mum and dad both love you very much but we agreed that it would be best if we didn't live together because we argued lots. It was not my fault, it was not mum's fault. But it is better this way..."
Next - When dropping off the kids I'd always tell them to tell me what was the best thing about their time with me and I'd tell them about something I've got planned for next time. So it is always positive and gives them something to look forward to.

When I picked up the kids... always have a small treat or stop for an iceblock as soon as I was far away from mum. Pavlov's dogs... Look it up. I conditioned my kids to see coming with me as being associated with something nice...

Now I don't doubt that some nutter will get on here and accuse me of child abuse. But they are nutters. What was child abuse was the ex telling the kids that daddy took all the money and daddy doesn't love them... I was simply trying to counter that crap without being that crap.
rant over.
Keep us informed how you go