QLD Queries on Judgement Hearing?

Last question first - contact her - via text. Be very nice:

Dear ex, I am back home. Would love to see child. I have provided you with a list of suitable times but would be willing to compromise with you.

2nd question - Yup, I reckon it means solicitor will rep her in court.

Question 1.... Don't know.

Where are you up to with the avo?

So communication directly with her is more efficient. I you don't get a response go through solicitor. But just keep the communication about child access and be overly polite so IF she goes to the cops to try and claim harassment you can show the cops that you're playing nice.

Tough pill to swallow, but you chose to go away...not her... If she went away for a week, she would definitely owe you make-up time. But not when it is the other way around... You can offer to take the child to make up for time lost, but she doesn't have to agree....

I know, I know...

Yup could not even update you... I agree she is being nasty but you took my suggestion and corresponded directly with her... You could have written to her solicitor, it would have cost her money and it would have taken longer for you to get a response...

Let's face it, you got the response that you would have expected, true?

Oh wow you have a men's group... Half ya luck, I was involved in a group, it was more than 100km from where I live, but it was a good outlet.... Sadly, they had to shut up shop because no-one would rent them a space to hold meetings etc, etc.

But you're right, you have to learn to play the game and you're getting better at it. For what it is worth I do think there are plenty of issues with this system and some of them are a real challenge to get your head around.... All we hear in society is about the importance of equality, but family law doesn't sing that song....

My greatest fear for you is you'll become one of those heart breaking cases where the judge decides to grant the mum sole parental responsibility, not because she is a good mum, but because she has manipulated the system and the child.... But I reckon you're well on your way towards avoiding that because you have not lost your nanna as a result of her antics.

Just stay calm

OK, so I'm really sorry and I can't help but agree the system is screwed...(kinda)

Look, the system is only as good as the people using it... So maybe the system is OK... Your ex is the problem. So why do you think she didn't update you after you went away? Not just because she is nasty.... It is a win-win to her. She gets to be nasty to you and it helps establish that you guys can't communicate and as such can't co-parent...

Now it would appear that the magistrate has given you a hint at their plans and it isn't good. Is it worth considering a strategic withdrawal?

My thinking:

1. So look one of the problems is the age of the child. How can a magistrate really make orders pertaining to what might be in the best interest of the child in another year? Or two years? It would appear the mag has already hinted at what the final orders will look like. You're not looking like getting overnights through court? So why keep up the fight?

2. Rice and Asplund... You won't be able to go back to court in 2-3 or 4 yrs time just because the kid is older...So seeking an agreement now might be a better idea.

3. Patience and time... You're not gonna win this one through court based on your most recent post.... true? OK so withdraw, seek consent orders through her solicitor... She is now having to pay legal bills, she might be prepared to accept a little bit more via consent to save her the $$$. And it ends the war...

Mate I don't doubt your ex is on the crazy spectrum. I'm not interested in trying to diagnose people, I'm not a shrink and any diagnosis takes time... But I'll make one exception.... Clearly she is mad... And she is mad at you... Fighting this in court is throwing petrol on a fire... Sucking it up right now might be the best option.

4. Kids grow - At the moment, she is holding onto the argument that you need to be kept away from the kid, She is super mum and you are drop kick dad.... Soon enough she will be on the prowl for some other sucker....

Mate my time increased as soon as she found the new love of her life... It takes some sort of personality disorder and normal folk like you and me can't even try to get our heads around it but once the new bloke came along she had something new to be infatuated with. She will tell you that the kid loves her new daddy blah blah...

I even copped that it would be better for the kids if I disappeared, now the new daddy has arrived and he is soooo much better with the kids than me... And having me around is only confusing them blah blah... Then all of a sudden she wanted to tell me all about the dirty weekend she had planned, but got the wrong weekend, she needed me to look after the kids. She realized I was an on-call baby sitter and I was only too happy for that realization.

5. Puppy dogs.... yup - see when they are babies people come and tell mummy how beautiful the little baby is. Crazy mummy sees this as personal praise directed at her for the perfect little creature she created (all on her own). But it doesn't last... They are called the terrible two's for a reason. Once cute baby stage ends and people start telling her to control her child she will be looking for an escape. You.

6. She will calm down (or find a new target). There have been a few (few) instances where me and the ex have been amicable... I hate her with a passion, but for strategy's sake I've buried the hatchet... But she won't calm down while court proceedings are afoot.

7. This is the big one. The game isn't called Family Law. The game is called Good Dad. Do what ever it takes to make sure you have a meaningful relationship with your kid as best you can. A strategic withdrawal now might see you losing the game called Family Law. But it might see you scoring a point in the game called 'good dad'.

Mate I get it... I really do... my youngest guy was 6 months old when I got kicked out. I stupidly thought that I would be better to forget about him. I thought he would never bond with me because I wasn't there for a few months while the ex refused access. I was wrong, if anything that little 6 month old who is now 6 idolizes me more so than the other two.

8. The biggest one. you mentioned a men's support group. If it was anything like the one I went to it was full of bitter men. Men who have not seen their kids in years. Men living in poverty because they borrowed so hard to pay solicitors to do contraventions on the ex for now following court orders. It is gut-wrenchingly sad s**t. Maybe a strategic withdrawal now might be the best way of avoiding that reality...

Two final thoughts.

The cases that cause me the most sadness to read are the ones where primary carer gets sole responsibility not because the other parent is dangerous, but because the primary carer has so manipulated the kids that they live in fear of their other parent and the magistrate has to concede that forcing traumatized kids to spend time with someone they live in fear of is not in the kids best interest..... I don't want you to become one of them...