Just outa interest, what is the nature of all these messages?
Congratulations on getting engaged.
Not much from here on in that you're gonna like... But it is well intentioned.
A long long time a go in a galaxy far far away....
Children played outside happily. On every other street corner was a public phone and everyone survived. MOBILE phones did not exist. Everyone was happy. The end.
You are dealing with a nutter - Worse than Darth Vader... This force to too great for the legal system of this great nation to defend. The family court is useless against this evil. No court can make an order that stipulates that a fool must stop being a fool...
So maybe - maybe the legal system could help... So you could seek a court order stipulating times for calls. Rules about text messaging. But she won't follow it and you're wasting your time and money going back to court to do a contravention because she texts too much.
No legal advice from here on, just some life experience.
Camomile tea time....
YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
Story time.... I had a parenting plan at one point... I could call the kids on Tuesday and Thursday at 6pm. It never happened. I call at 5.59. No answer, then a message saying I had to ring at 6pm and it is past 6pm so don't bother. If I rang at 6pm she'd tell me they were in the bath, or some other BS... MADNESS. But I kept ringing every Tuesday and Thursday... It was a little game for her, a reminder that she was winning, she had all the power and control and it was pissing me of no end.
Then I stopped. No call on Tuesday, nope not Thursday either... I got text messages accusing me of ignoring my kids. Didn't respond. Text messages telling me how bad it would look in court if I could not be bothered calling my own kids. blah blah blah. Then there were the text messages / emails all the other bs. It was sending me mad. She would email me a tirade of madness and then text message to tell me I had an hour to respond. BUT - I'm a work, like normal people, I can't just down tools to deal with crazy lady... But it was sending me insane. Chain smoking nail biting hair gone grey insane.
So change your approach. See this is all about power and control. You have to break that cycle. Now this is a bit tougher when you've got kids with phones. See you wrote in your last post that you cop a barage of abuse if you don't reply in 5 minutes... U'm so what? why do you care? What does it matter?
Seriously, I want you to answer those questions.
See you need to get your head around the fact that it doesn't matter and you should not care if she accuses you of this or that. And until you learn that skill YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. You're gonna spend your whole life sh*t scared of the sound of mobile phones. You're like Pavlov's dogs in reverse. Everytime the phone rings you have a little panic attack. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
What to do with kids? HHMM - 4 hours a day with no phones. Your house - your rules. The weather is getting warmer. Go camping, Have a back to nature, no phone weekend. Oh what fun... Have a strict - No phones on after 8pm rule. It is bad to be on a screen that close to bed time. Your house YOUR RULES.
Final rant. The one liner... So the ex would email / text all sort of crap. The kids are allergic to dogs, I need to get rid of the dog. The kids clothes got ruined when they were at my house, I need to be more responsible. blah blah. For a long time I'd try and reason with her... Dear NUTTER, can you please provide me with a doctor's certificate that shows the kids have been diagnosed with an alergy to dogs?
Her response? "How dare you question my authority as the mother of MY children. You owe me an apology"
Then I started applying the one liner strategy... "ok, thanks for that. Please keep me updated"
Most of the crap she was writing didn't need a response and any response I gave would be the wrong one. But, it isn't about the response. It is about power and control. I wasn't texting her and demanding SHE respond within an hour. s**t, I can't imagine ever having the courage to do that.... And while she had the power and control and I was letting her walk all over me. I was the problem....
So Imagine a series of text messages
HER - You didn't clean the kids clothes, my children are tired and grumpy because you let them stay up late. You really need to learn to be a better father.
ME -ok, thanks for that. Please keep me updated.
HER - What sort of answer is that. FFS take some responsibility.
ME - ok, thanks for that. Please keep me updated.
See, I was no longer buying into her crazy sh*t.... And it was pissing her off... I wasn't playing her game anymore. I had my own game and she hated it... I felt empowered and it felt good. Short version, you need to change the dynamics of the relationship and you need to be consistent with your approach, once you do that, you just might find the text messages don't come as much because you're response is no longer fueling her sense of power and control.
I should write a book.
Hi Sammy,
Thank you.
Wow sounds exactly like what we are dealing with. The messages to us always has some reference to the children. For example: We have started taking the children's phones off them as soon as dinner has begun. (They spend way to much time on the phones hence why.) So we get a message to the effect of children hate you taking their phones off them as they are unable to contact me and are so distraught over it etc etc.
Our solicitor has advised that we are to respond to all messages pertaining to the children even ones like that. We did respond with Thanks for letting me know. Yes it drove her crazy and we copped abuse and we ignored it. We were advised that we should have been more sensitive to the issue. If we don't communicate in a reasonable manner it will not look good for us. I don't see why though.
The messages to the children are asking them constantly are you ok?, You sad?, Is your dad being nice to you and is he looking after you properly.
I dislike it so much as I feel we shouldn't have to respond with an essay. I agree with what you said. Thanks for letting me know and keep me updated should be fine when it is not a life or death situation just rambling because she can.
Here is one for you. We were advised that if we were to have a technology free weekend we were to tell BM that's what we are doing. Mind you she has stated in her proposed consent orders like us that other parent call Sundays between 4 - 5 pm. We would have been available like we are every Sunday we have them. Isn't that our house our rules? Or am I wrong? Of course if there was an emergency or anything we would let her know.
Oh yes you should write a book.
Again thank you. As usual I have taken on board all that you have said. It does help