NSW Family Law - Reasonable Contact With Non-resident Parent?

[Greycat]

Hello.

Last year, my 10-year-old's mum moved overseas. My daughter stayed with me.

I have attempted mediation with no success and have also used a lawyer to attempt to create a care and parenting plan, which my ex has not followed up in this process and it has been dragging on for over 6 months' time.

Last draft was written up by me and my lawyer and sent by my lawyer to her where the email discussions between me and my ex was answered with 'Thanks, I will show my lawyer". That was August.

I actually don't think she has a lawyer.

Unfortunately because I live in a rural area, my lawyer is not a family law specialist and I am not sure about her full knowledge.

Anyway, even though my ex has not come back with anything but anger in response to the care plan. I wish to try to do everything right and fair. So in regards to phone contact, my ex gave my daughter a mobile phone with Skype on it telling her to call whenever she pleases.

At first we tried her having the phone always available but she was going on to play games and using it at poor times, not actually to call her mum. And previously, we have always had very strict screen time rules at home. It just didn't work. My lawyer advised it was unreasonable to expect a child to have full mobile phone/internet access.

I agree that she can call when she pleases but I don't agree that the phone should be on all the time with full access, she has to ask to call.

We have told her mum this and have clarified that if she ever wishes to get in contact, just contact the home phone, mobile or email if she just wants to avoid me. We have also suggested set days, but all of it has been answered with anger (I just want to talk to my goddamn daughter when I please) and accusations of control. She wants to contact her daughter directly, on her terms and convenience. I get that, but it just doesn't work having the mobile device constantly on/available.

If relevant, my daughter rarely asks to contact mum and on weekends when I get her to Skype, I usually have to force her. I remain positive about the calls and regard them as important. I give my daughter privacy and never ask her to get off even though my ex is 100% percent convinced I am listening in and cutting calls short. If contact hasn't been made for some reason, her mum usually calls the home after about 7 to 10 days.

So my question is: What is usually considered reasonable contact? How often? Is once a week reasonable in Family Law? Should we be encouraging more contact? What do courts usually decide? Should we be forcing her to call?

I am happy to give more info on the details of the situation if required.

 

[AllForHer]

Two to three times a week is reasonable for a parent living abroad, plus when the child asks. Mum is living in dreamland if she thinks phone calls should have no restrictions and the child should have unlimited access to a smartphone at 10 years of age.

Contact the mother directly. Tell her that you will have the child Skype her each Monday, Thursday and Saturday at some time between, say, 5pm and 6pm. If she can't be reached, you will have the child try again the following night. Tell her you will also facilitate any Skype calls that the child requests, and you will be happy to continue this pattern until an alternative agreement is made.

If she responds with anger, don't respond at all. All it does is fuel a fire. If she wants a better deal, it's up to her to pursue it, but neither you nor the child can be at her beck and cal - you have a household to run.

Does the child spend any in-person time with mum?

 

[sammy01]

My advice, call mum once a week at the same time every week.... Do nothing else.... It shows you're making an effort and lets face it, clearly the other parent isn't doing all that much to be involved in this kid's life...

 

[Greycat]

Thanks AllForHer and sammy01.

You have given 2 very different opinions!

To answer question about visits in person. Her mum recently visited for a month after being away for 13 months. She spent the month with her, less 2 half days spent with me. Her Mum was demanding about times, abusive to me when I disagreed with a change she wanted to make and broke original agreements including getting her back in time to settle in for school, she demanded for her to stay 3 extra days last minute meaning getting back to school the night before it starts back after a 7 week holiday.

My daughter came back full of some full on negative comments and emotions towards me, our home, partner, community and even country so I suspect her mum wants her to come live with her now or maybe worries about her daughter blaming her. There has also been plenty of 'my mum doesn't thinks kids should be forced to clean rooms/practice music/do homework/shower, my mum likes to be a relaxed parent and let kids choose, my mum bought me a new video game machine and she wants me to play it when I want'. There has also been lots of blaming and emotional rollercoastering. It seems as though her mum and older sister spent the month badmouthing me and working my daughter up emotionally.

There had been plans for her mum to come back after 3 months then they changed to plans for our daughter to visit her overseas but it didn't happen because of a combination of things - no agreements being made (this was the only stipulation I placed on her going overseas when her mum said she wasn't returning), school holidays not matching up and her mum claiming ticket prices raising too much because of me wasting time on agreements. I understand she tells my daughter the reason she couldn't visit is I made it too difficult.

Back to contacting - 3 days seems to be alot as I dont think either of them want to chat that much and we are already so busy but if it was reversed I would probably want that for myself so maybe seen that way it isn't alot.

Once a week may be ok as they dont seem to want to chat more but maybe I should be pushing harder. Is it ok/normal to force my daughter to call? I don't think that she doesn't want to talk but she is very live in the moment and maybe it is a bit hard emotionally sometimes.

Twice a week may be more realistic. Would it be ok to not get our daughter to try the next night if no contact is made and just wait until the next call unless her mum calls back?

I might propose having her attempt to call on Wednesday at 6:30pm and she can leave the phone on until 7:15 so if it takes a bit to connect they have time to chat before bed. The next call can be on Saturday at 8 am and the phone can stay on until whenever really.

 

[sammy01]

There is no one correct answer...
My kids see their mum about once every 5 weeks and will speak to her on the phone once or twice in between visits. They rarely ask to speak to her, but I think that is because that is what kids do... They live in the here and now..

I would not be agreeing for my kid to go overseas to visit mum unless I had court / consent orders to show the authorities IF the child was not returned.

 

[Rod]

The allure of something different to a teenage mind fed up with the mundane and chores and homework ......

Especially if the country is not a signatory to the Hague convention. And even then some countries don't have much respect in practice for their obligations.

Hmm, after the recent experience I'd be tempted to say no to any more overseas trips. Sadly this will probably make the child more insistent on going.

 

[Greycat]

Sammy01 - Definately I don't want her going overseas without some kind of agreement concerning her return and well being. Her mum keeps on accusing me of being controling and telling our daughter I am making it hard for her to go because she really doesn't want to engage in the process (or maybe she is worried about being trapped into an agreement that is hard to change or maybe she just doesnt like it, whatever it is, it hasn't moved) but I am going to hold my ground on that one.

Rod - she has just turned 10 and has not gone overseas yet. Her mum recently came here. She really wants to go for a visit (since her mum has come she is now saying she wants to move there as it is promoted as the golden land and as mentioned before she just came back from a month holiday in Australia and her mum is telling her how easy and fun it will be to live with her). My daughter has a half sister as well who moved awat she has not seen for over a year as she didn't come back with her mum.

If I prevent her from going overseas until there are agreements in place is that unreasonable? Would a judge see that as me preventing contact with mum or is that normal?

After the recent visit, in all truth, I am really worried about her going as her mum takes no issue with bad mouthing and blaming me in a manner that I think is really invasive to my daughters mind, she really carries on and goes on the attack. I am concerned about my daughters mental health around her mum and my relationship with her. But ultimately I want her to see her mum and also have travel experiences.

It is really hard.

 

[Rod]

It is a very tough call to make. Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. And there's just 8 years, maybe 6, until she can make up her mind.

It is likely only hindsight is going say which is the correct call to make.