NSW Ex partner not letting me see my son

[Jesso]

I'd say A and B both committed domestic violence so both should be charged.

Hm interesting you don't even know me and assumed I actually am gender biased and for the female in this instance.
I stated the order for OP as threatening to reveal the ops mental health to her employer seems like a threat. Which is DV and I'm sure it would be covered for getting an order if she felt she wanted to.

If the roles were reversed I'd be advising the Op the same advice and to apply for an order! And to definitely apply to the courts to sort out an parenting plan.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

Well guess what, there aren't 'charges' in AVOs since they are civil matters, and it's mostly a case of who gets in first wins. Sometimes there can be cross application AVOs on both sides, but if children are named on both orders then there's obviously a conflict there because only one party gets to keep the children (or else the child goes into care - is that what you think is the best outcome?).

Well I'm glad to hear you would have the same advice if the genders were reversed. However, I still feel that AVO is very likely a bad outcome no matter what gender is involved. You are still ignoring the vital fact in the case which is that the OP (Aimee) may actually still have lingering mental health issues, and just because the father is being a bit of an arsehole to her (which I am not defending by the way), you would prefer to take the child off him and give it to the mother who may or may not even have the mental capacity to adequately look after the child. You are looking at this through a narrow lens and not seeing the big picture IMO.

Yes, I do agree with you about a parenting plan though - I think she should be taking it to court because it does sound like something that won't be sufficiently resolved without experts looking into the nature of things (mental illness of the mother, control and threats of the father) and making a fully informed decision. Trying to take things into your own hands with AVOs is not in the child's best interests though IMO, even if there may be grounds for it (as I said, in isolation without seeing the full context).

 

[Aimee11]

Many thanks for everyone’s advice. I truly appreciate it. GlassHalfFull I also really appreciate those suggestions of what to bring up in mediation, and to answer your questions from earlier:
- I’m currently still on maternity leave but going back to my job next month, most likely part-time
- I’m living In Sydney
- I’ve got full family support from my parents
- My ex works full time
- While he’s been working our son has been with a nanny, pretty much all day. This is causing me a lot of distress, as I have been not working and could be looking after him during that time
- If our son was with me and I returned to work, then he would probably be looked after by my mum in my home during the day
- If my ex were the sole carer, I presume our son would be with a nanny as my ex doesn’t have any family in Sydney

I am waiting for the mediation where I am hoping to suggest 50/50 care, with a set schedule. I really don’t want to inflame things, I just want some routine and structure, so we know where our son will be each day and with whom. I know this will be better for our son too. I am also acknowledging my mental health issues and my commitment to staying well. But at the moment I have no idea where our son will be tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week as there is no schedule and this distresses me greatly. I am really hoping my ex will listen to this and we can come to some agreement and a firm, detailed parenting plan. Does this sound reasonable?

50/50 is really important to me, but my ex continues to refuse me more than three days a week, last week he didn't let me see him for five days in a row and I was beside myself with distress. I’m not really sure why and what difference the extra day/fortnight makes to him? He seems determined to keep me under 50% and has stated as such. He says the maximum he will agree to, indefinitely (and even if my mental health is stable) is 60/40. He says depression is a 'lifelong' illness. Does that mean all depressed parents can't be trusted to look after their kids 50/50?

I am really worried if that mediation fails, and my ex refuses to let me have the extra day per fortnight, or if he tries to cut my time down further, then how long it would be between filing and getting interim orders? I talked to a lawyer and they said about a year. Is this true? It sounds horrible, plus our son will be much older and his infancy gone. What happens between filing and interim orders? Is it left between the parents?

 

[sammy01]

I'm pretty sure Glasshalffull is talking about Aimee's gender not YOUR's.

Aimee - It is a bad idea to withold the child just because that is what dad is doing. It make you both look like twits.... Let him fcuk up his case in family law. Don't help him by fcuking up yours... Witholding / controlling etc bad idea. Don't do it.

AVO - Bad idea. In this case there is no iminent threat of violence. There is conflict about parenting BUT no iminent threat. And as has already been stated, Aimee went to the cops, if they felt there was DV they would be compelled to act. They didn't...

 

[sammy01]

when you say 3 days? do you mean 3 nights?
care % is important for centrelink - IF you have less than 35% care this makes a huge difference in the amount of family tax benefit and child support payable.

I am going to play the gender card. Aimee, go to mediation, tell dad you want consent orders where your time increases to 50/50 over 18 months and that you're prepared to go to court to get it AND if you do have to go to court you'll be applying for 70% care. AND if he does'nt like it then apply to court.

will it take a year? well yes and no... YES if he insists on taking this all the way to a final hearing. NO if he accepts that a final hearing is not a good idea. I reckon once dad gets some good legal advice he will realise a judge is gonna be well pissed at him for his antics and yes gender does matter, you are on maternity leave. You could be looking after the kid, he has chosen to dictate terms and put the kid in the care of some random when you could be doing it.

Aimee - stay calm, no doubt nanny is qualified... Sure it suxs but right now you need to work on sorting mental health, my thinking is (and I"ve got no idea) but post -natal depression is a short term thing after the birth of a child.... And what dad is doing isn't really helping... And like you said all mental health issues are treatable.... So stay calm and look after your mental health.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

I would say that it seems pretty clear that as long as you could demonstrate that your family is there to support you and (for example) your mother is willing to be with you at all times to assist as required, then the claim of mental illness causing you to be neglectful is almost completely negated. Furthermore, at such a vulnerable time in the child's life where it is supposed to be bonding with its parents, the care is being passed on to a nanny for the majority of the day when it could and should be a parent and failing that a more distant family member like a grandparent. It seems to not be in the child's best interests to spend time with a near stranger even if the nanny is qualified and good at their job, as Sammy said.

It sounds like mediation is going to be crucial. He is going to need to demonstrate to you that he has real worries about your ability to parent going forward. Not the way you were in the height of your post-natal depression (which may well have been neglectful), but your abilities today with appropriate medication. If he can't do that and he's still trying to play power games restricting your time with the child, I think you are starting to move towards a point where you would be within your right to make demands.

As Sammy said, work on your mental health and being able to demonstrate that you are coping and capable of stepping up to more time. Get a letter from your psychiatrist to support your case if you can. Although parents are within their right to do what they think is necessary to protect their children, they also have to respect the expertise of experts.

Ultimately, from what you've told me, he is being unreasonable and needs to be brought back to earth. Depression may be a life-long illness but it is certainly manageable in most cases.

You sound like a very reasonable person Aimee, and that's to your credit (and I think when the time comes, your reasonableness will be seen and heard by those in charge of making the appropriate decisions). He does not sound very reasonable. I have children aged (nearly) 4 and (nearly) 2 and I would love to have an ex that felt that 50/50 was important. My ex has been fighting tooth and nail to prevent me from having any substantial time at all, and we've been in the family law system for over a year now.

I agree with Sammy, you won't have to wait a year to get interim orders. Probably 2-3 months at most from the date of court filing (which may be delayed while you wait to see whether mediation succeeds or not). And you may be surprised by what interim orders you get. If by that stage you can demonstrate that you are no longer debilitated by depression and that you are capable of caring for the children (along with help from your family), I could even imagine that the court may order for you to have the primary care and for the father to have a few days a week with no overnight time for him until the child is 18 months to 2 years old. That's a distinct possibility. Please don't quote me of course because I'm not a lawyer, but I cannot imagine the court considering that him having the majority of the time while he is putting the child in daycare or with a nanny is better than your care where you may have the option of your mother assisting. It may help your case to be working part time though. Have you talked to your boss about returning to work part time? Lots of things to consider. For now, I would forget about his threats to tell your employer though. That would likely backfire spectacularly on him.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

Sorry Aimee, when I wrote the above reply, I missed the fact that you said you would be returning back to work part time. I think that would be in your favour in terms of negotiating the children back in to your primary care. The fact that you would be available for a young child even part time is likely to hold a lot of weight if a court is asked to make a ruling. In my experience though, at the interim stage, most decisions are actually made by consent between both sides (with legal advice from respective lawyers usually) and the registrar (judge) just rubber stamps the decisions made. In my case, all the progress I have made with my children have been negotiated in that way on the day of court. Hopefully the father has more sense than to fight for more than he is realistically going to get.