NSW Child custody and abuse allegations

[Confused but determined]

Hi all

This is my first time post so apologies for the initial length. I’m interested in thoughts on my situation.

My wife and I have been married for 11yrs and we have 3 children (9,7,5yrs old). We have been living overseas for past 15mths - I am on a 3 year work posting. We recently returned to Australia (NSW) for a holiday and while here my wife had a nervouse breakdown and was diagnosed with a mental illness (depression). The main factor was her father being recently diagnosed with cancer. My wife had also developed a paranoia about our childrens behaviour - kids touching each other on privates. We discussed this openly with our immediate famliy and close friends. This will be relevant later. My wife stayed at her parents home and started an initial 6 week course of treatment. We agreed that our children would remain in Australia with my wife and their grandparents for the initial 6 weeks while I returned to our home overseas to make arrangements for my wife and childrens return - identifiy mental health professional for ongoing treatment, employ a domestic helper.

We also contacted our children’s school (a prestigious school in the country we live in) and informed them of the situation and the school have been providing temporary learning support to our children while in Australia. Basically this was the teachers providing guidance on what the classes were doing and what activities our children should do to maintain ‘currency’ to help when they return.

My wife and I maintained regular contact (phone, e-mail, instant messages on daily basis) during this time. We both also maintained contact with the school. We agreed to re-arrange the return flights for my wife and children so it would align with her final medical appointment. We agreed that I would fly back to Australia to help my wife return with our children to our home overseas.

Right before my flight to Australia my wife called and messaged me to say she would not be returning, she would not allow the boys to return and if I contacted them she would call the police! This was completely unexpected. I immediately tried to contact my wife, her parents and her immediate family members to try and find out what had happened. I left voice messages and e-mails, instant messages asking for help as I was worried about my wife’s mental state and our children’s welfare. No response yet I could see my messages were being read!

On returning to Australia I went first to the local police and informed them of the situation (given my wife’s threat). They went to the house and spoke to my wife and returned saying that “she clearly has issues” but it was ok for me to go to the house and see the children. When I went to the house I was confronted by my wife and in-laws who demaned to know why I had called the police? They reiterated that my wife and children would not be returning with me, and then accused me of abusing the children and said I couldn’t be alone with our children. I was speechless. I asked what was the basis for such a claim (noting the issue had previously been discussed with the family) and they refused to say. However, they said I could see the children - under my wife/in-laws supervision - each day for the rest of the week (as I was scheduled to return to our home overseas) and then they invited me inside and bought me dinner and we ate with the children! Our children were so excited to see me...all were crying and hugging me and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t staying at the house. Our children have been innundated with new toys, including types of toys which my wife had previously refused to allow, such as nerf guns, and a tablet for our eldest child.

The following day, after initially confirming in writing I could see the children (I propsed that we go to a playground and asked that the in-laws not be present but my sister join us), my wife informed me via message that she would not be allowing access and that there was a “a letter being sent by my solicitor”. I asked for details of the solicitor and where the letter was being sent, noting I was not at our home overseas but in Australia. She refused to provide details. I reminded her I could be contacted via e-mail but she didn’t respond.

I still have no idea about the basis for the abuse allegation. I have been in contact with the local police and I (not my wife or in-laws) informed them of the allegations. They were unaware. I have not been contacted by anyone from police or DOCS, etc.

I now have a solicitor and based on their advice I have maintained daily, respectful, contact with my wife asking about our children’s welfare. She is reading my messages but not responding. Her immediate family and friends continue to be ‘friends’ with me on social media, but not communicating with me.

Our children’s school overseas has flagged the boys continued absence from class and the support being provided to them while away. Our ‘permanent’ home is in ACT, not NSW where my wife and children are currently staying with her parents. The children are sleeping on air beds in a sunroom!

I’m still trying to come to grips with what is happening. I’d be interested in thoughts about my situation - anyone with similar experiences involving mental illness, false allegations of child abuse, arguments for what is “in the best interests of the children”. I am seeking immediate access to our children, addressing of the abuse allegations, mediation for parenting arrangements, and hopefully the return of our children to our home overseas so they can resume their normal routine (school etc).

 

[AllForHer]

Okay, first, stop communicating with your wife and her family/friends. She may not have allegations of abuse tabled yet, but if you continue to send daily messages that she's clearly ignoring, she's going to be able to claim you're harassing her. AVOs are not make-or-break with parenting matters, but they do add a new complication that you're better off without. If mum has a lawyer, communicate with the lawyer, and only when you need to.

The other immediate issue is your residency abroad. Right now, she's can probably successfully argue that you're a flight risk - you might put them on a plane and take them back to your home country without her consent, and if it's a non-Hague country, the success rate of that argument will be even higher.

So what's your plan for that? Are you staying in Australia, or are you going back home? If you go back home, what is the plan for the kids' care arrangements?

 

[Confused but determined]

Thanks AllforHer

Re: comms with wife. My solicitor advised that I should send a message to my wife each day (5 days now) enquiring about how my children are? I’ve done that and ensured content was short and courteous. Nil response.

Re: flight risk. I left the children’s passports with my wife and in-laws. Even if I wanted to (I don’t), I wouldn’t be able to travel with children without those passports, which they entered Australia on for our Xmas holiday.

Re: care arrangements at home overseas. Our children are usually picked up by school bus every morning from apartment building and returned to our home in afternoon. It is normal for our domestic helper to be at home when children arrive and remain until either my wife or I got home from work. I work close to home (15min walk) and I am also able to work from home. Our domestic helper can also babysit the children should I need to attend evening work functions (very rarely). While my job has involved some travel, I have already discussed my situation with my employer and made arrangements to disperse such responsibilities across my staff so I could ensure I am there for our children. There are work colleagues/friends (families with children), who our children know, living in our apartment complex who would be available to help me if there was a situation requiring temporary supervision of the children in an emergency.

I realise I am facing a battle....quite apart from the outrageous abuse allegations, my wife has been the primary carer for the boys while I’ve been the ‘bread winner’. She and her parents have also now had 6 weeks with the children to establish a ‘routine’ and shower them with presents, and cut off all contact with me.

I want to know that our children are ok and to be able to see/talk too them. I wish to talk to my wife to discuss what is happening and what we need to do for our children. At the moment my wish to have the children return with me is based on my concern for the children’s welfare. I can appreciate that given the abuse allegation the Court would be reluctant to make orders for children to return to me without a Family Report, etc.

I know this is a long process that I’m now commencing on....<deep breath>

 

[nat 2015]

having a mental Illness does not make her a monster or a bad mother, there are plenty of mums and dads out there that have a mental illness and do great jobs as parents, abuse allegations seem to pop up all the time, my ex said i was a nut case, i abused my children, i had men lining up at my door, unsavoury pics of me online ummm i have had just about everything thrown at me, none of it true by the way , unfortunately some parents become vindictive and self centred and do not decide to put the children first, i would try mediation first and if you don't have any luck with that they will issue you with a certificate to proceed to family court, in the mean time keep asking to see and speak to your children.

 

[Confused but determined]

Thanks nat2015. To be clear...I love my wife and she is a good mother. I’m concerned about her wellbeing and want to ensure she gets the best treatment. She needs to be with her family. That said, I’ve been denied access to our children and shut out of any decision making about their future.

I’m looking at a number of options for caring for our children, which includes my moving back home to Australia and working out where we are all best located to give the children the best outcome.

Hopefully the letter from my solicitor will be the first step in gaining access and mediation.

Thank you.

 

[nat 2015]

Thanks nat2015. To be clear...I love my wife and she is a good mother. I’m concerned about her wellbeing and want to ensure she gets the best treatment. She needs to be with her family. That said, I’ve been denied access to our children and shut out of any decision making about their future.

I’m looking at a number of options for caring for our children, which includes my moving back home to Australia and working out where we are all best located to give the children the best outcome.

Hopefully the letter from my solicitor will be the first step in gaining access and mediation.
I think your heading in the right direction best of luck

 

[Confused but determined]

Hi all. An update on my situation...and appreciate views of those who have experienced anything similar!

I have not had any communication from my ex or her family/friends regarding our children since early March. I and members of my family sent messages for my children over the East break...they were read by my ex but nil response.

My solicitor sent initial letter to my ex’s solicitor detailing my concerns about the welfare of the children, their schooling (currently enrolled in school overseas), etc. and seeking access to the children. The response was...”will get back to you after I have met with my client to discuss the issues raised”. After 14 days of nil response my solicitor wrote again to ex’s solicitor regarding my concerns about children’s welfare and seeking access. The verbal response from ex’s solicitor is that “I am advised the children are ok. They are in school. They do not want to see their dad. I need to meet with my client next week to discuss the issues raised and will respond after that”.

Clearly my ex is playing for time and it now seem that she has enrolled our children in school in Australia without anyone contacting me or the school overseas where our children are still enrolled. There is no indication that my ex is prepared to enter into mediation.

According to my ex’s solicitor, my ex has apparently made a report to police alledging child abuse, which is absolutely untrue and there has been no details given. I have not been contacted by the police or DOCS, etc. I understand that investigations are conducted without informing the individuals involved, but my ex has a history of claiming she has contacted the police when she has in fact not.

I have instructed my solicitor to lodge an urgent application to the Family Court in NSW seeking access to children. I am now making notes for my solicitor to prepare my affadavit. Any thoughts on what to focus on (just seeking views in addition to my solicitor’s advice) would be appreciated. Should I also include recent photos of me with my children?

Is it best to have a range of proposed Parenting options prepared? I would like the allegations of abuse dealt with asap and the children to return to our home overseas with me (I know that is being optimistic). Will the Court take into consideration that my ex and her family and friends have cut off all communication with me and my family regarding our children, including questions regarding children’s medical conditions and that she has enrolled the children in a school in Australia without informing me?

My ex has relocated with our children interstate so even if I were to cut my employment overseas short I would have to return to our house, which is in another state, or try and find a job closer to where my children are!

As I said, I have engaged a solicitor....I’d just like to get some views of those who have gone through the Courts and what the possible outcomes could be so I can consider all options.