VIC applying to vary intervention order

[sammy01]

lesson learnt. Tell her nothing.
Ok so living cheap with mum. Good. Don't suppose mum's house is a 4 bedroom place? hmmm more on that later.

2 options.
1. The cheap option. do nothing. Wait 3 months for avo to expire. But what then? you go near the house, she will start a fight, call the cops and you're back in avo land. Or don't go near the house BUT at least you can communicate directly with her to try and sort out some arrangements. History tells me here that her response to you expressing an opinion is to yell at you. So I don't see this working.
2. The expensive option. Go see a solicitor. Get a nicely worded letter stating you want immediate resumption of access to the kids. Minimum 3 nights a fortnight (if your mum's place is suitable?) AND while you're blowing $ on solicitors include a bit about how she needs to be contributing towards the mortgage if she is living there and that she will need to contact the bank because you're gonna cancel the hardship provisions. This is my preferred option.

 

[Jamie27]

update - still haven't heard from police regarding the alleged IVO breaches and am still staying at mums. I was interviewed on April 3.

Have sent a couple of emails to her lawyer asking about hatching a plan to share payment of school fees for the kids, but no response. Ex contacted all the schools when she split and told them to get in touch with me for the fees to be paid... I'm using corona hardship to press pause on that for now but it will need to be sorted out. I told her before she left that if we split we would struggle to pay school fees for all three girls and keep two households running. I am still looking for work so I don't currently have income to pay for school fees. Feel like contacting the schools myself and telling them to go to the ex for school fees as we are separated and I am not working.

She is working fulltime and also selling products via her online business. Paired with the fact she is not currently paying a mortgage she has plenty of cash.

As far as what I'm doing regarding the two options from Sammy above I am sticking with option 1... but Sammy is right, as soon as I express an opinion she yells at me.

84 days until the IVO expires... sadly I'm getting used to this crap. Just want her out of my life.

My police officer sister says when it expires I should take an IVO out against her at the earliest opportunity. I hate courts but it might be worth doing for the peace of mind to keep her away from me.

By the way we have done the family relationships Australia thing some years ago - it was a total waste of time for me. Feels like ex wants to drag this out as long as she can and make every single step as painful as she can.

 

[sammy01]

Ok my problem with the sister's advice is it is using the system... Look technically maybe she is doing financial abuse. But I reckon you'll struggle to make that one stick.
Definately contact the school and inform them to go after her for payments.

I'd be applying to court to get access to the kids Start that now. You will be in court in 84 days. Or wait 84 days and then apply to court when you realise the avo ending doesn't change much. If you go to the house in 85 days she will call the cops. Let's face it rocking up the day after the avo ends is gonna look like stalking.

 

[Atticus]

My police officer sister says when it expires I should take an IVO out against her at the earliest opportunity.

Did your sister suggest what grounds you may have to do that?

By the way we have done the family relationships Australia thing some years ago - it was a total waste of time for me

Always frustrating when you have a partner that has no intention of making any effort to find a resolution.... Quite often because that person knows they hold all the aces at the time..,

That said, I recommend you apply for mediation again anyway. Because you will probably have to in order to progress this to court.... A parenting order application being the only thing that will compel such a person to come to the table, adult up to a degree or face consequences.... DIY application for final & interim orders to get the ball rolling is minimal $$ Just a filing fee..

 

[Jamie27]

Did your sister suggest what grounds you may have to do that?

Hi Atticus - yes there have been multiple incidents of verbal and psychological abuse and controlling behaviour over the years. She used to make me leave my work ipad at home so she could monitor who I was in contact with at work for example - and has told people I am gay. She has often encouraged me to go and kill myself. Every time I have seen her before the last time she has been extremely verbally abusive. There's a lot more but I don't want to bore anyone. I have not previously done anything about it because I detest courts, but feel like if I don't do something it will just continue. It's not "using the system". I have actually had enough of this woman and want some sort of deterrent. The last ten years have been torture.

Given I have been paying the mortgage and rates etc at home for 17 years I think I have every right to go back there and collect my bits and pieces if I want to, once the intervention order ends. I am certainly not going to be paying rent AND the mortgage AND school fees as I have done before when the ex has had one of her brain snaps.

My main focus right now is getting a job. And sorting out the school fees situation.

 

[sammy01]

you can't get an avo based on historical events... There needs to be recent history.

And - an avo against her will likely escalate tensions. I know it suxs but you don't want that. High conflict - he said - she said is bad news if this goes to family court.

Does sister live near by? once avo ends if she went with you to the house. But ask the ex first, don't just barge in and if she refuses then suck it up. Think long term.

School is back in Victoria tomorrow? get onto that.
Stay calm - contact relationships australia or any other free mediation services. Get that ball rolling so if she wants to drag this out you can be in family court quicker.

 

[Atticus]

Hi Atticus - yes there have been multiple incidents of verbal and psychological abuse and controlling behaviour over the years

Sammy is right... Doubt historical events alone will be enough... Past events can help to demonstrate form, but generally has to be recent events as well...

I think I have every right to go back there and collect my bits and pieces if I want to, once the intervention order ends

You are within your rights to ask for personal items (clothes, personal documents, work related tools/equipment) be given to you, even with an IVO still in place..... You will need to call police (sister should know) & arrange a standby breach of police (may be called something different in Vic)...... Basically the police accompany you (usually meet somewhere nearby at pre arranged time) to the house. They tell her you are there to collect personal/work items (give them a list) hopefully she will comply, allow you to enter with police & collect stuff...OR, another time is arranged for her to have the listed items available for collection if she refuses you entry...

 

[Jamie27]

H Atticus - yep I know that - I just don't like sitting around for hours waiting for police to become available - then they give you about ten minutes to get what you need... it's not enough.

Her lawyer sent me an email today saying the ex is fine for me to go to the marital home accompanied by my stepfather to collect things - but only if I send a list of what I'm going to take beforehand (this is just a controlling thing on her behalf, I just want some clothes, documents, bike, she knows that) - she wants her brother there too... I'm glad my stepdad will come so I have a witness in case the ex makes any more baseless claims. There is no risk of me committing "family violence" - she knows that - it's all theatrics on her behalf... I just want some of my things.

Ex is holding firm on only allowing Facetime calls with the kids - no face to face time - alleging she's concerned about my mental state - demanding that I get proof from a mental health professional that I am of no risk to myself or the children. I say again, there has been no incidents on this front. I had a bout of depression quite a few years ago in the wake of Black Saturday and did what I needed to do to move past it at the time. Again, this is just another controlling thing to inconvenience me. I don't mind doing it. Path of least resistance and all that.

The letter from the lawyer also made claims about google searches conducted by me on April 9 and 16 about suicide and how to create carbon monoxide, gassing oneself etc. I was removed from the family home on April 3. The computer these searches were allegedly made on is in my daughter's room - the anorexic one who has self harmed twice that I know of - once by cutting herself, the other time taking heaps of paracetamol before vomiting it all up.

I would have thought it's a bit hard for me to search on a computer when I'm not in the home, but never mind.

Also, I had asked several times for a plan on how the ex was intending for us to pay school fees. Turns out her mum is going to pay for fees for the eldest for the rest of the year. I pointed out that I wasn't refusing to pay fees - I wanted a plan on how we would share the cost.

It's clear with some of the crap in the lawyer's letter that she and my ex are trying to paint a picture of me as a deadbeat, violent, awful dad - but the colours and brushes are all wrong. Happy for a family consultant to discuss with the kids if it comes to that, to get the real picture. I know a lot of this is disgusting, dirty tactics on her behalf. It gives her pleasure to put me through the wringer because she enjoys being in control. It's her way or the highway.

Can't wait for this to all be over. Will be the best day of my life. Patiently waiting for the expiration of the intervention order and getting the ball rolling with my own solicitor where I need to.

Chickens will come home to roost for this person down the track - the girls are old enough and smart enough to know what is going on. All they want is to see their dad, which they remind about over and over every time we talk on Facetime. One day...

 

[sammy01]

mate make the list. Send it to her solicitor. Enjoy the fact that will cost her $$$. While you're there ask for time with the kids with your mum present. Write a draft and post it here for advice. BTWThe cops would ask you to do the same. Expect her to break the stuff or refuse or claim she got rid of it... Learn patience. And learn the 1000 mile stare. Don't let her see she is getting to you.

Go to the doctor. Get them to write a note to say that you're mentally fit and no risk to anyone. Play her games. Mate if this goes to court and you have a letter from a doctor and she says NOPE not good enough needs to be a shrink... Then she will look stupid.

Get the doctor's note. If she says she wants a psychologist, then go see dr and ask dr to refer to you to a psychologist. Chances are dr will give you a referal for 6 free psych visits. Might not be a bad thing. Fcuknig stressful this. Go and get some professional help. Mate I was s**t scared that going to a shrink could be used against me in court. it wont. It might even help.

story time. I went and saw a psychologist. For a while it was about helping me deal with the trauma of an AVO. Not seeing my kids. The marriage break up. Coping mechanisims... But after a while I was seeing the kids. I was a mess. Depression, anxiety, pack a day smoker becoming an alcoholic. Shrink helped with all that. BUT then she was helping me with strategices to deal with the nutter. What to do when she'd swear at me at pick ups. What to do when she calls at midnight to check I'm not drunk, or any number of other crazy nutter behaviours.

I know you're here for legal advice, but some practical real world stuff helps too. So go get some help from a psychologist. Freud said "insanity is the sane response to an insane situation". You should be insane right now because what she has done is insane.

So once you go see a psychologist, she will decide she wants a second opinion or will fcuk you around some other way... But I want to encourage you to stand strong through all that BS because the way you conduct yourself when the kids are not around matters just as much as what you do when they are watching.

While you're doing that organise mediation to get time with the kids. You're gonna possibly need this anyway if she refuses reasonable access. Mate get as much of that done now while you're not working. It will keep you a bit busy and make you feel more productive.

rant over

 

[Jamie27]

thanks for the rant sammy - I appreciate it.
While we're venting - I went and saw a psychologist a few years back because the ex was convinced I had all sorts of issues - after a few sessions he said "mate you really don't need to be here, but you DO need to get out of that relationship" - she then got in touch with him demanding to know what we had spoken about etc which was way out of line.

I should have taken his advice at the time, but stupid me put kids first.

I went down the smoking/drinking path once before with all her nonsense... this time I'm running and exercising... have never felt better physically and mentally.

Cheers