NSW What to Do with Getting Custody of Children?

[JayBee86]

Back story:

Consent Orders are in place (3 years now). 8 y/o child with 70:30 custody of children and shared parental responsibility. Have paid all my Child Support debts, plus extras (BM will tell our Daughter I do not care about her and call me every name under the sun if I don't purchase extra items throughout the school year - school fees/photos/shoes/uniforms etc.) Have never done wrong by daughter nor BM, always say "yes, no dramas" to many things I could've said "no" to.

Daughter has been somewhat unhappy upon arrival for my weekends this past year - she's expressed that she is not happy at mum's (BM works 2 jobs, SF is FIFO, children are at daycare/school more than at home) and would love to live with me.

Just wondering what the chances are for me to get daughter every weekend and a couple of week nights? I know how much it sucks to only see daughter every 11 days so I want to make it fair on BM so that she doesn't have to go so long without seeing daughter too. I know she is old enough to do 50/50 but I'm uncertain..

 

[AllForHer]

Have you talked to mum about this?

 

[sammy01]

Every weekend? no chance not unless mum agrees.

So some problems: if you have more time you will go above 35% care and that will cost the ex lots in family tax and child support.

My thoughts:
Write to mum, be nice... Don't say daughter hates her place...

"Dear ex,

I would like to offer to take daughter more often. Would you be prepared to discuss with me the possibility of me having her for XXX times? We could try this in an informal arrangement and as such we would not need to contact child support.

Alternatively, please be aware that where ever possible I would love to have child if I am available and you need me to look after her. If you would prefer I am happy to organise mediation with Relationships Australia to discuss...


So mate you have a few issues. You don't meet the RIce and Asplund threshold to apply to court. There has not been a substantial change in circumstance.... So court isn't really an option. YET... And like I said, more time with you, means less $$$ to her... But if you agree to just keep it informal, and a trial, basically you're encouraging the ex to understand it wont cost her $$$. Now if you take it to court and get solicitors and stuff it will cost a fortune...

You've been there once already, so you know what I mean... Paying her a little bit more child support suxs... but it would be a happier less stressed and more successful approach for the next few yrs...

Once the child turns 12 she has a little bit more influence on things... Even more so at 14 and again at 16 etc...

 

[Clancy]

You should not be buying school uniforms unless those uniforms are going to be hung in your closet. That's what child support payments are for!

Photos - hell no, unless you get copies!

School fees - if it is an above average school, then ok its fair to pay some of that, if its just a basic
public school - hell no!

Just remember, every extra thing you spend - frees up more of your child support payment to be spent on luxuries for your ex!

 

[sammy01]

I would not worry about mum saying this or that to the kid... It goes one of two ways, it either convinced the kid that dad is bad... But in your case it looks like it has gone the other way. When a person speaks badly of a parent the person most hurt is the person who speaks badly... Kids idolise the parents at that age...

My kids worked it out pretty quick. Mum said this and that and it just does not match up with their experiences...

 

[Clancy]

I would not worry about mum saying this or that to the kid... It goes one of two ways, it either convinced the kid that dad is bad... But in your case it looks like it has gone the other way. When a person speaks badly of a parent the person most hurt is the person who speaks badly... Kids idolise the parents at that age...

My kids worked it out pretty quick. Mum said this and that and it just does not match up with their experiences...

I used to think that way too, because kids are very smart. But i discovered it's not always the case at all! There is a term for it 'parental alienation' and it does happen!

It happened to my sister! She was married to a full blown narcissist and after the separation, I would have assumed the kids would be on mum's side because he was horrible to them. No! He managed to turn the kids against her!

I was shocked? "That arsehole managed to turn the kids he mistreated against her?" Sometimes these very evil people are master manipulators and should never be underestimated.

 

[JayBee86]

Hi all, thanks for your feedback. Yes I have spoken to my ex about this, she doesn't like the idea. I'm meant to have my daughter from Friday to Monday, but as I dropped daughter off at school late 2 or 3 times (in the first year orders were made), it's been reverted to Friday to Sunday.

Sammy01 and AllForHer, I'm sure you both commented on a post about this (this was my post under a different user name, I have forgotten my details). Anyway, I took your suggestion about writing a letter. Got my lawyer to send it to her. Ex threw it in my face and said "no chance". I kept daughter in my care as stated in orders and advised by my lawyer. A week or so later, I received a letter from her lawyer saying I had to revert to Friday to Sunday spend time period. No mention of my lawyers letter to her though.

Clancy, I had politely told my ex that child support is for all of those things (uniforms/school etc), she called me a "dead beat dad" in front of our children and partners.

My daughter is very smart, she's caught her mother out lying many times. Questions her mother and step father about what she recalls them saying but are now denying. It's only a matter of time before daughter knows all. And without my help too.

I have contacted FDR and my lawyer about what I can do.

 

[sammy01]

Forget solicitors... Call Relationships Australia and organise mediation.

Mate, the first point on your agenda, her calling you a dead beat dad in front of the kid... Then ask that the court orders be re-instagated.... Confess - kid late once or twice (big deal) and ask that she agree that the extra night resume... In fact, tell her that is what you're gonna do so she can take her pick accept it or take you to court...... Go on dare ya... Promise that you will get kid to school, you will call mum when dropping of kid so she knows when the kid is being dropt off, do everything to seem reasonable..

Now if ex doesn't like that you can tell her that you'll apply to court for the contraventions and as part of the application you'll go for 50/50... If she storms out, (and she will) good, get back to us and the good folk here will walk you through applying to court.

You do know she is keeping the kid away from you because once you get more than 35% care she loses money? And refuse to pay anything beyond child support... Sounds like the kid has worked out who is the unreasonable parent here..... Good

 

[JayBee86]

So, ex contacted relationships Australia before I did. She's had her meeting. I've had mine this arvo. (Meeting was about 2hrs) Apparently we need to attend a 3hr parenting seminar - in which we will receive a certificate to say we have attended. I am having another meeting with Relationships Australia after that to confirm what I learnt. (Mediators words) then a joint meeting with ex.

Didn't get any news about what she had said (don't think you're meant to?). Been through this with ex 2-3 years ago and my god her draft copy of Consent Orders were outrageous, to the point where my lawyer laughed about it.

Back then, I was eligible for legal aid and mediation did not cost anything, now I am not and also have to pay $60 p/hr just for meetings with Relationships Australia.

I dread that ex will not come to an agreement with me in mediation and it will all go back to court and it'll be a waste of time/money going through it all.

 

[sammy01]

look small steps, even if you just tell her that from now on you want the orders followed and you will be keeping the kid Sunday night as per the orders and if she has a problem with it she can apply to court. Give relationshps Australia a go... If it doesn't pann out you can (possibly) apply to court witout a solicitor... So it will only cost you a few hundred $$$.