QLD Constant Custody of Children Dispute with Ex?
- Thread starter Qahm1
- Start date
So, unless it's in a signed parenting plan, it's not an agreement, and everything that is said in mediation can't be used as evidence in family law proceedings. Therefore, your agreement about the child's school was only a discussion, not an agreement, but you do still have an order that requires you to agree on the child's education provider, so if an agreement about changing the child's school can't be reached, then the default is to leave the child at the school he's currently attending, since that one has obviously been agreed by both parents.
Realistically, you've both got valid reasons for wanting to change the current schooling arrangements, and you've both got valid arguments as to why it should be the school that you have each nominated. Instead of going into mediation with a preconceived notion about what to expect and being committed only to your own proposal, go in there open to negotiation. If neither school works, but both want to change schools, then what are the other options? Is there a school located closer to the mid-point that you can both agree to?
And remember, if she insists on her choice of school, and you don't agree, then you haven't reached agreement, which means the child remains at the school that you have been able to agree on, that being the current school at which he is enroled.
It's okay not to reach agreement. You've still got a few years before you have to discuss high school anyway.
Realistically, you've both got valid reasons for wanting to change the current schooling arrangements, and you've both got valid arguments as to why it should be the school that you have each nominated. Instead of going into mediation with a preconceived notion about what to expect and being committed only to your own proposal, go in there open to negotiation. If neither school works, but both want to change schools, then what are the other options? Is there a school located closer to the mid-point that you can both agree to?
And remember, if she insists on her choice of school, and you don't agree, then you haven't reached agreement, which means the child remains at the school that you have been able to agree on, that being the current school at which he is enroled.
It's okay not to reach agreement. You've still got a few years before you have to discuss high school anyway.
Orders relating to kids are parenting orders, orders relating to property are orders for property settlement.
The term 'custody' isn't used in Australian family law (though this site insists on using it for reasons unknown).
Does that clear it up for you?
The term 'custody' isn't used in Australian family law (though this site insists on using it for reasons unknown).
Does that clear it up for you?
Yes, it does. When reading parenting orders I was thinking it was something else. At least I know now she is trying to dig into the parenting orders and wanting more information around day to day activities.
I spoke to the mediation people today, and they were not very clear. They went into their speech about what they do and what they offer. She had no idea on the case, or why I was called to attend. What what bugged me the most, was when she was speaking to me, she would also say "Are you with me?" then she said, "do you need legal advice?", and asked me 3 times "are you willing to attend the session" but couldn't answer any of my questions.
I requested from my Ex the agenda ( she said I was allowed to do that) but not response from her.
Seems a little one sided.
I spoke to the mediation people today, and they were not very clear. They went into their speech about what they do and what they offer. She had no idea on the case, or why I was called to attend. What what bugged me the most, was when she was speaking to me, she would also say "Are you with me?" then she said, "do you need legal advice?", and asked me 3 times "are you willing to attend the session" but couldn't answer any of my questions.
I requested from my Ex the agenda ( she said I was allowed to do that) but not response from her.
Seems a little one sided.
I feel a bit like you're framing mediation in the wrong light, and I think that's to your detriment.
You need to remember that a mediator isn't an authority. They have no power to make decisions for you, and their job isn't to pass an opinion about your case to try and influence an outcome. Their only job is to keep you and the ex civil and focused on settling the dispute at hand. They don't particularly care what the dispute is, nor what you decide about it, just that you do so in a way that keeps you focused on the objective, instead of descending into a mud-slinging match that is totally counterproductive.
Remember, it was your ex who called for mediation, not the mediator. The mediator is not on your ex's side, or your side, or the side of the Court. The mediator is just the person providing the service, no different to the guy who drives your taxi or the waiter who serves your food. They can't answer questions about your case, because it's not their job to have any personal investment in it. If they did, they wouldn't be the objective third party that they're meant to be.
They're not asking 'Are you with me?' to be condescending; they're asking because they are trying to make the process as transparent as possible so you're clear about the fact that they're not on anyone's side.
They're also asking if you want legal advice so they can direct you to a service that can provide it if you want it.
They're also not being malicious when they ask if you're willing to attend; they're probably just attuned to your skepticism about the process and want to work out if you're actually going to attend or if they can forward the s 60I certificate to the other party and reallocate the mediation time to some other family in need.
Try and change your view about mediation being a 'risk'. It's not. It's actually a very good process if both parties are willing to participate for the purpose of reaching an outcome. If you go in there with a chip on your shoulder and in the mindset of everyone being against you, it will fail, but if you go in there open to negotiation and thinking of it as an opportunity to talk about any issues that you're having as well, you're probably going to find it far more favourable for your child.
Now, this is just for personal insight, more than anything else, but hopefully it helps you see the situation more objectively.
My husband requested mediation with his ex about a year ago because a lot issues were emerging shortly after orders were made, such as interference with the child's phone calls, threats for Court proceedings if he didn't sacrifice his plans during the child's time with him to accommodate the mother's plans, misuse of communication mediums, and what I have generously referred to as 'confusion' about interpretation of the orders around holiday time (read: obvious and deliberate manipulation of the orders to frustrate the child's time with her dad). It was causing all kind of issues, primarily the child being exposed to elevated conflict.
Despite my husband raising these as concerns and issues repeatedly with both the mother directly, and then her lawyer, the mother wanted an agenda before agreeing to attend mediation. He told the mediator what the issues were, but requested they be kept confidential because he suspected she would refuse to attend on grounds that she did not agree issues he was having were genuine issues that met her standards.
So, in the end, she refused to attend anyway, and the issues kept occurring. It culminated after many months into a domestic violence order filed by my husband, which resulted in changing the parenting orders to address the aforementioned issues anyway.
It would have been better if she'd just attended in the first place, rather than pretend the issues weren't issues and carry on with the same, destructive behaviour until desperate times called for desperate measures, and she ended up with an angry Magistrate telling her, literally, to pull her head in.
So, my suggestion is to attend with good intentions. Mediation is a positive process, intended to help not just the mother, but also you, as well.
You need to remember that a mediator isn't an authority. They have no power to make decisions for you, and their job isn't to pass an opinion about your case to try and influence an outcome. Their only job is to keep you and the ex civil and focused on settling the dispute at hand. They don't particularly care what the dispute is, nor what you decide about it, just that you do so in a way that keeps you focused on the objective, instead of descending into a mud-slinging match that is totally counterproductive.
Remember, it was your ex who called for mediation, not the mediator. The mediator is not on your ex's side, or your side, or the side of the Court. The mediator is just the person providing the service, no different to the guy who drives your taxi or the waiter who serves your food. They can't answer questions about your case, because it's not their job to have any personal investment in it. If they did, they wouldn't be the objective third party that they're meant to be.
They're not asking 'Are you with me?' to be condescending; they're asking because they are trying to make the process as transparent as possible so you're clear about the fact that they're not on anyone's side.
They're also asking if you want legal advice so they can direct you to a service that can provide it if you want it.
They're also not being malicious when they ask if you're willing to attend; they're probably just attuned to your skepticism about the process and want to work out if you're actually going to attend or if they can forward the s 60I certificate to the other party and reallocate the mediation time to some other family in need.
Try and change your view about mediation being a 'risk'. It's not. It's actually a very good process if both parties are willing to participate for the purpose of reaching an outcome. If you go in there with a chip on your shoulder and in the mindset of everyone being against you, it will fail, but if you go in there open to negotiation and thinking of it as an opportunity to talk about any issues that you're having as well, you're probably going to find it far more favourable for your child.
Now, this is just for personal insight, more than anything else, but hopefully it helps you see the situation more objectively.
My husband requested mediation with his ex about a year ago because a lot issues were emerging shortly after orders were made, such as interference with the child's phone calls, threats for Court proceedings if he didn't sacrifice his plans during the child's time with him to accommodate the mother's plans, misuse of communication mediums, and what I have generously referred to as 'confusion' about interpretation of the orders around holiday time (read: obvious and deliberate manipulation of the orders to frustrate the child's time with her dad). It was causing all kind of issues, primarily the child being exposed to elevated conflict.
Despite my husband raising these as concerns and issues repeatedly with both the mother directly, and then her lawyer, the mother wanted an agenda before agreeing to attend mediation. He told the mediator what the issues were, but requested they be kept confidential because he suspected she would refuse to attend on grounds that she did not agree issues he was having were genuine issues that met her standards.
So, in the end, she refused to attend anyway, and the issues kept occurring. It culminated after many months into a domestic violence order filed by my husband, which resulted in changing the parenting orders to address the aforementioned issues anyway.
It would have been better if she'd just attended in the first place, rather than pretend the issues weren't issues and carry on with the same, destructive behaviour until desperate times called for desperate measures, and she ended up with an angry Magistrate telling her, literally, to pull her head in.
So, my suggestion is to attend with good intentions. Mediation is a positive process, intended to help not just the mother, but also you, as well.
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