QLD Constant Custody of Children Dispute with Ex?

[AllForHer]

Make sure you know the distinction between major long-term decisions that you both have a say in, and day to day decisions that only the parent with whom the child is spending time has a say in.

Religious affiliation, education, relocation, change to name and major medical interventions are major long-term decisions.

What the child eats, what the child wears, who the child hangs out with and where the child goes are day-to-day decisions.

You don't need to disclose day to day decisions, and I would suggest not doing so because all it will provide is more things to complain about.

Don't be afraid of mediation. It's better to discuss issues in a controlled environment because you can say "I am not discussing that because it's a day to day decision" and the mediator won't pressure you to do so. You also don't have to sign anything on the day, you can take it home to consider and decide whether you agree or want to consider it further. It's totally up to you.

 

[sammy01]

You and her get to discuss and agree on what will be on the table at mediation. Look at it as a business meeting. If she raises something that is not on the agenda, refuse to discuss it unless you want to.

So what should be on your agenda - Discussing shared parental responsibility. In short that she has no business telling you what you do with the kid while on your watch.

Get strategic - start thinking about what she's gonna raise and counter it. So she says she wants you to provide details of meals. Your answer? No worries - as long as she provides you with the same and she provides you with a letter from a medical specialist who wants to see the meal plans and can provide you with a reason for such detail.

Your ex is crazy, nearly as crazy as mine... My ex wanted me to weigh nappies and report back how much they weighted. FFS. So what I'm suggesting is pretty reasonable... But it puts it back onto her.

Now remember - you have court orders. They are the boss, not her... Might not be a bad idea to let her know that too. Then stand back. Let us know how you go.

Now get better at realising that she is the crazy one here and don't get caught up on crazy land...

When you reach the point of being able to see crazy for what it is and laugh it off rather than worry about it - then life will get better.

 

[Qahm1]

Hi, all...

Well, I got my mediation letter today asking to call and book a one-on-one session with the mediator. I'm stressing...am I allowed to bring up that I'm at the point where I can't read her emails because of the underlying tone she has when she emails me? the attitude is disgusting and I'm over it.

Will they look at me and say...you're kidding?

The swings and roundabouts with her have been egregious. When something is not going right at home she takes it out on me or has a dig at something I have done ( maybe her boyfriend should get a job).

Is mediation the forum? Or will it turn nasty?

My son has started to tell me he puts on a brave face so mum doesn't get upset. He doesn't wish to even tell her he has a fun time at Dad's because of that.

She asks him, are you ok to go ( Friday morning ) to dad's? He just says, 'Yep' and underneath he goes, "yeah..."

The poor little fella.

If I say anything to the mediator, will she want to interview him? He will close down and do anything not to disappoint his mum.

I'm a bit lost guys...Why can't it just be civil and we all go and live our lives and love the little one we have together?

 

[Qahm1]

The plot thickens to why the request for mediation.

She would like to relocate to another suburb that a good 25 km’s from his existing school, and would like to change schools to something that’s close to her. I’m surprised the mediator would even consider having a discussion, as I reviewed the last mediation notes from 2 years ago and we agreed the school he’s attending now will be the one until grade 6.

She will be renting, so I know in 2 years’ time, this will be another issue as she will want to move again.

I would like him to attend the private school in my suburb, and it’s only about a 15 min drive from where she wants to live but won’t entertain the suggestion. His step brother and sister attend the school, so he would have a great support when starting.

Is there anything I can do? The sealed order states we both has to agree on a school, doesn’t state where. Would common sense prevail with the mediator?

 

[sammy01]

Are you prepared to pay all of the school fees for the private school?

So how does the move impact on the drop off's pick up's?

Now some things you really, really need to get your head around. Mediators don't make decisions. They help you make decisions. They will not take sides.

Now - one more thing. Man up. Grow some balls. Sorry to be blunt. Your ex has got you to a state where you worry about her emails. Look, I've been where you are. I'd spend hours fretting about whether I should send emails on a Tuesday after my time with the kids, or on a Friday before my time with the kids. I would break into a sweat every time I had to see her.

It is a bunch of stupid mind games and she is winning, nope she is kicking your arse. Now realise this. It is an equal partnership she has no more authority than you. So stop letting her win the mind games.

One last thing - agreeing to anything is your choice. A decision needs to be made about schools Maybe this is just a strategy to make you pay the fees - Might be a compromise worth considering. Or she might really want to move 25km.... So this gives you leverage.

Fine, she can move, fine the kid can go to the school she wants but you only agree if she agrees to something you want... Now don't bother saying you want her to be nice in emails. Make it something tangible. Like she does all the travel for example...and whatever she agrees, she also agrees for new consent orders to be written up to reflect the change and that the change in school / location only happens under the condition that she agrees not to make any further changes to the school without your consent. So you have security that she ain't gonna move again and again and cause the kid to have to change schools again and again...

 

[Qahm1]

I'm willing to pickup the TAB for the school fee's

The pickup and drops off's closer to her place will be a real issue because of the traffic and distance back to work. The private school close to place is 3 km from the freeway.

 

[sammy01]

So remind us again - how old is the kid? When will the kid start high school?

Look, there are a few things that you can do, but you have to be assertive and pro-active and get to know the lingo... So at mediation you can say that you fail to see how the child moving schools is in their best interest. You can talk up that the kid will have step-siblings at your choice of school - that there will be primary school friends there, but at the ex's chosen school there won't be those things. You can talk up consistency. And that you're happy to foot the bill for the school fees.

Oh, and if the ex wants to move, fine, but she might need to accept that she will have less time with the kid as result, and if she has a problem with any of it, she can apply to court.

Now let's look at your last post. Nope, the pick-up drop-off's won't be closer to her place and it won't cause an issue... Why? Well, if you choose to agree to the move, it is conditional on her accepting full responsibility for the additional travel. Her choice to move should not impact on you or the impact should be minimised and it is her responsibility to minimise the impact.

Now as far as mediation goes. When they do their job properly, it is great. Sadly, I've had a few who overstepped their responsibility and tried to pressure me into agreeing to stuff that was unreasonable. For example. I had 5 nights a fortnight. All good, the kids wanted 50/50 but I accepted less to keep the peace. But my ex wanted me to agree to 4 nights a fortnight.

I said - nope. Mediator told me it would be unfortunate for this to go to court because I wouldn't agree to less time with the kids. That was poor form on the part of the mediator. And told them that, too.....

Stay calm, pick your battles and don't be pushed around...

 

[Qahm1]

He's in grade 1...

She isn't thinking of high school. I have a feeling she is thinking of changing his primary school to be closer to her new place.

 

[AllForHer]

So, this is about which primary school the child attends, then? And you're both seeking to change the child's school, correct?

If you both agreed to which school the child should attend until grade 6, why are you both now seeking to change the child's existing school?

 

[Qahm1]

Yes...I'm not wanting to change, we have agreed to stay at the same primary school until grade 6...She is moving and I'm guessing she doesn't wish to commute