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QLD Constant Custody of Children Dispute with Ex?

Discussion in 'Family Law Forum' started by Qahm1, 12 August 2016.

  1. Qahm1

    Qahm1 Well-Known Member

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    Hi all,

    I'm back again because my ex will not leave me alone. All has been fine for the past 20 months. Now she wants to attend meditation because my son has Asthma, and tends to catch the flu on a regular basis.

    There is a 50/50 custody of children order in place, but she is constantly trying any avenue to take my son for additional time. I’m at my wits end, the constant being nice not rocking the boat, her attitude in emails are appalling and all I want to do is carry on with my life.

    Am I just stressing ( again) or is there an avenue here?

    When he comes back from her place, he has the time (like today) and I don’t go carrying on seeking someone to meditate because it’s been one of the sickest winters.

    Any help to set my head straight would be great.
     
  2. Qahm1

    Qahm1 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for the wording, just a little stressed
     
  3. sammy01

    sammy01 Well-Known Member

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    Keep being nice. Go to mediation. You have nothing to worry about from mediation.

    Learn to stress less. Look up parallel parenting and work on that.

    Now you have 50/50 care, right? So your best strategy is to continue being nice, by doing that you're winning. I have a theory that some people niggle and annoy in the hope that you'll lose your nanna and then off to the cops for an AVO or they have 'grounds' to justify keeping the kid away from you... Just keep being nice...
     
  4. AllForHer

    AllForHer Well-Known Member

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    Not really grounds for changes to the orders, here - kids get sick, just like they get lice sometimes, just like they get bruises sometimes, welcome to parenting - so I wouldn't worry about this becoming a legal matter just yet, which leads my guidance to be more personal-based, than legal-based.

    I think I've suggested to you before about keeping perspective on what are actual problems, and what are just perceived problems that go hand in hand with co-parenting after divorce. After divorce, the standard of expectation on co-parents tends to rise exponentially, often to unattainable heights, so the trick is to take a step back, ask yourself if this is an actual problem or just a consequence of heightened expectations, and decide what you're going to do from there.

    My view? This complaint about the child being sick all the time is a heightened expectations issue, not an actual issue. My stepdaughter had been on antibiotics just once in her first four years of life, but the moment we were in Court, the other parent had her on antibiotics six times in five months, each time adding a new paragraph to her affidavit to try and show how negligent we apparently were for 'not tending to her medical needs properly'. She was on antibiotics for everything from a cold to a minor graze on her foot, it was ridiculous, and the end result was that my stepdaughter just get kept getting sicker and sicker more often. It eventually stopped when my husband told the other parent that he was concerned the repeat scripts for antibiotics were damaging her immune system and making her more prone to serious illness. She hasn't been on another course of antibiotics since, and she hasn't really been sick, since, either.

    So, in your case, how should you handle the matter at mediation? Rather than running your best defence against her allegations, which automatically insinuates you are the problem and her the solution, focus instead on the sickness being the problem and you both being the solution. Propose the joint purchase of, for example, Vitamin C and Echinacea medications that move between the households and are administered to the child while in the care of each parent in order to help the child fight off any cold/flu infections, or propose the child get a flu vaccination.

    To suggest a parent is solely responsible for a child catching the flu and that changing care arrangements will somehow magically immunise the child against catching the flu is just ludicrous, and the Court would say the same. Don't even entertain it. Try and remember that being nice doesn't mean being passive. It means being assertive and rising above the drama to get to the crux of the problem. In this case, that problem is apparently the child catching the flu, and like I said, a change to care arrangements isn't going to immunise the child against illness.
     
    SamanthaJay likes this.
  5. Qahm1

    Qahm1 Well-Known Member

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    Hi. Yes that's correct its 50/50 custody.

    It's just hard at times to be so nice when the other is so mean.
     
  6. Qahm1

    Qahm1 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks all for her. I'm just a little stressed as I'm the dad and my boy is everything.
     
  7. AllForHer

    AllForHer Well-Known Member

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    Don't worry, you're not the only one who gets fed up, but it is very important that you always be the parent that takes the high road.

    You might want to consider a course or two about coping in co-parenting. Relationships Australia offers a great course in post-separation parenting, it's not just a 'how to comply' course, it's a 'how to be assertive and not stoop to their level' course. Highly recommended.
     
  8. Qahm1

    Qahm1 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you. I will be looking into that today.
     
  9. sammy01

    sammy01 Well-Known Member

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    Mate, spend your time working on strategies to deal with and ignore the BS. Please take this the right way... You need to work on your head space.

    So here is some suggestion I was given - she is your ex. That is important because it means you no longer have to worry about what she has to say, she is insignificant.

    I've been where you are. My ex even went as far as telling me to clean my house because the kids always come back from my house with nits. She did it in-front of the kids too. So I started practicing saying this "I am not interested, and you are only saying that to cause conflict. Please stop as it is not in anyone's best interest."

    You have to practice saying it and never stop half way through if she interrupts you. Email it every time as a response to anything she puts in writing and just repeat - repeat - repeat.

    The idea is to avoid getting caught up in conflict. There is nothing a court can do about this sort of stupidity and you want to thank your lucky stars that she hasn't unilaterally decided to stop you seeing the kid on the grounds that she has determined that you are the cause of the kid's asthma...

    It would be an awful waste of money to have to take that to court, so really you're on a win... Just focus on being a good dad and that means learning to ignore stupidity.
     
  10. Qahm1

    Qahm1 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks, Sammy. Thanks for the help. And I will try.

    I have been separated now for 3.5 yrs and now have settled down with someone who loves me
    She has 2 kids around the same age as my son and they get on great. Couldn't ask for more.

    We live in a wonderful home large enough for the 5 of us, we have a pool and all the toys and games kids love. Our house is in a court so the kids ride their bikes outside without the fear of traffic
    She lives in a unit with a common driveway on a busy main road. Her boyfriend hurt himself and hasn't worked for 6 months.

    I can deal with a lot and I'm a rather calm person. I have 97 staff and an operating budget of 40m. So day to day can be very busy, but getting an email saying she wants meditation because of his sickness drives me crazy

    I don't understand the need to run to meditation when she has never discussed it with me. Isn't meditation the last resort if you can't agree on a conclusion Last time I got attacked and felt bullied and pressured into making a decision on all she wanted. When I go back and I allowed to ask for a list of what's going to be discussed prior? So we can have a rational conversation

    My ex has allergies to everything and is on an awful diet of no sugar, gluten free, etc It was a real pain when we were together.

    Is she allowed to ask me for a meal / eating plan for my son? We have to take out once a week and home cooked meals for the remainder We have nothing to hide but do I need to give in and advise her of everything while he is in our care?

    Thanks in advance.

    Love the site.
     

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