Wanting to know my legal obligations about level of communication and informing ex about kids' schooling, activities etc. We have court orders, equal shared responsibility, kids spend 5 nights incl. school nights with dad, communication via SMS/email only. Am I supposed to inform their dad about what's discussed at every school meeting I attend? With school starting, he's opted out of meetings/events coming up, claiming it's easier on the kids if I go and as he wont be there, he's asked I keep him posted on any info he'll miss out on. Of course if something came up specific to our children I would let him know, but would I be breaching orders if I attended and didn't report back? I think I've been pretty good at informing him of major long term issues so far, I have included him on the school's database to receive all notices, but surely if he wants to know what's discussed at parent meetings, events etc, he should either organise to also attend or contact the school/parent rep directly? What do I respond to the ex as I don't want to set a precedent by agreeing nor do I want to be in breach. Thanks in advance for replies.
VIC Communication with ex
- Thread starter Bstef99
- Start date
legally, you don't have to tell him anything... Different if you were deciding to change school... So no obligation to tell him anything....
But - a 5 minute email providing a summary would not kill you... So hypothetically, teacher says Timmy needs to read for 10 minutes every night.... You don't tell dad.... Timmy doesn't do the reading at dad's... Who suffers? Timmy... TRUE?
But - a 5 minute email providing a summary would not kill you... So hypothetically, teacher says Timmy needs to read for 10 minutes every night.... You don't tell dad.... Timmy doesn't do the reading at dad's... Who suffers? Timmy... TRUE?
Thank you for your response. Yes, true. Point taken. It's about the kids. By the same token, attending a meeting or coming along to an event for the children's benefit would not kill the child's father either. Just trying to work through what equal shared responsibility and consulting on major long term issues means in day-to-day life. Makes sense on paper, but a little trickier and complicated in reality...
Do you have to? No.
Should you? Probably. This is your kid's education, after all, and the last thing you want to hear from your kid is 'Dad never makes me do homework!' when really, dad just doesn't know about homework because he couldn't go to the parent-teacher interview.
There's no need for an essay. Just 'Hi, teacher said X is doing well but needs to work on reading' is all it takes.
Should you? Probably. This is your kid's education, after all, and the last thing you want to hear from your kid is 'Dad never makes me do homework!' when really, dad just doesn't know about homework because he couldn't go to the parent-teacher interview.
There's no need for an essay. Just 'Hi, teacher said X is doing well but needs to work on reading' is all it takes.
I'm a teacher... in 20 years I have had ONLY one interview with parents who are separated... At the end of the interview I complemented them on how well they were raising their child and I meant it the child was very well adjusted and doing well..
I have had God only knows how many interviews where one parent has felt the need to explain that their child is doing poorly and it is the other parent's fault...
The most awkward ones? Interviewing mum THEN some time later interviewing dad... Even worse when one parent chooses to bring their new partner along for the ride...
Bstef99... Maybe... just maybe... Dad is choosing not to attend in order to avoid the awkwardness... I've definitely chosen NOT to attend some of the kids functions because at the time there was too much hostility between myself and my ex... I regret going to one or two things because it just seemed very sad that we were watching a kid get an award or what ever BUT sat on opposite sides of the room.... Rant nearly over... I'd have liked to reach a point with the ex where sitting down for a lunch with the kids or sitting beside each other at the next assembly could happen... But given it is now 7 yrs since we separated I'm thinking that one might have to wait until the kids are grown up??? or maybe not even then..
I have had God only knows how many interviews where one parent has felt the need to explain that their child is doing poorly and it is the other parent's fault...
The most awkward ones? Interviewing mum THEN some time later interviewing dad... Even worse when one parent chooses to bring their new partner along for the ride...
Bstef99... Maybe... just maybe... Dad is choosing not to attend in order to avoid the awkwardness... I've definitely chosen NOT to attend some of the kids functions because at the time there was too much hostility between myself and my ex... I regret going to one or two things because it just seemed very sad that we were watching a kid get an award or what ever BUT sat on opposite sides of the room.... Rant nearly over... I'd have liked to reach a point with the ex where sitting down for a lunch with the kids or sitting beside each other at the next assembly could happen... But given it is now 7 yrs since we separated I'm thinking that one might have to wait until the kids are grown up??? or maybe not even then..
AllForHer - Yes, I understand what you're saying. I guess my problem is that it's not that our child's father has advised he isn't able to go. When I informed him of the meeting, he outright said he is available but he'd prefer I go and report back to him.
sammy01 - OK, I really appreciate that perspective, especially coming from a teacher, didn't think of that. Maybe that's the case. Things not totally amicable but still civil and I get that it's not ideal for the kids to have a tug'o'war at school functions they attend. But attending parent-only events, we're adults, we should be able to suck it up. Maybe I'm OK with it, and my ex isn't quite there yet? Food for thought. Hope it doesn't take 7 years for us. Thanks guys, I guess not so much a legal issue, but appreciate the advice nonetheless.
sammy01 - OK, I really appreciate that perspective, especially coming from a teacher, didn't think of that. Maybe that's the case. Things not totally amicable but still civil and I get that it's not ideal for the kids to have a tug'o'war at school functions they attend. But attending parent-only events, we're adults, we should be able to suck it up. Maybe I'm OK with it, and my ex isn't quite there yet? Food for thought. Hope it doesn't take 7 years for us. Thanks guys, I guess not so much a legal issue, but appreciate the advice nonetheless.
Here's another way to look at it Bstef99, and Sammy, chime in if you see differently because I'm sure you've been at many more parent teacher interviews than I have over the years.
In my years of attending parent teacher interviews (and all of them except for 1 year of them, I was still with my ex), there was mostly just one parent with the child attending. A notable amount had 2 parents but 1 parent was most common. I attended by myself, sometimes with the child, sometimes not. I think in many relationships, one parent may naturally take on that side of the parenting just like one parent might be the one to take a child to football training or netball comps.
I would go home and the next day, my chidren's dad would ask how it went...well sometimes if he remembered! Sometimes he asked the child how it went.
I agree that a quick note would be fine - Johnny needs to finish his homework or Sarah is doing wonderfully and a pleasure to have in class.
In my years of attending parent teacher interviews (and all of them except for 1 year of them, I was still with my ex), there was mostly just one parent with the child attending. A notable amount had 2 parents but 1 parent was most common. I attended by myself, sometimes with the child, sometimes not. I think in many relationships, one parent may naturally take on that side of the parenting just like one parent might be the one to take a child to football training or netball comps.
I would go home and the next day, my chidren's dad would ask how it went...well sometimes if he remembered! Sometimes he asked the child how it went.
I agree that a quick note would be fine - Johnny needs to finish his homework or Sarah is doing wonderfully and a pleasure to have in class.
So would it be better all round, say, for the most part, if separated parents don't want to/can't attend functions together, that whoever the children were spending time with is the parent who goes to the function during their time? Just like intact families, whoever's the available parent takes little Johnny or Sarah to parent/teacher interviews, soccer or the dentist...and with intact families it's not always both parents attending as you say SamanthaJay. I guess that's the problem when you separate, you're not there step up for each other's shortcomings anymore and your roles and responsibilities are more cleary defined than before so it's obvious when mum or dad isn't pulling their weight. Or you could come to an agreement that mum does parent/teacher interviews and dad does dentist appointments (and report back to the other). I guess I'm hearing from everyone that you can choose to make it difficult or you can choose to make it workable for the kids' sakes. Sorry, thinking out loud...it's been most helpful though. 
Sorry to hijack Bstef99 but I wouldn't mind some words of wisdom from Sammy based on what he wrote above.
Sammy, you said awkward and worst parent teacher interviews are when a parent brings the new partner along. My partner recently took over full care of his young teen (interim court order). It's all still very raw for young teen. Happened suddenly and unexpectedly, going from approx 30% care to 100% with other parent to only have supervised visits. Parent Teacher interviews will be here before we know it. My partner was also the parent that didn't go to parent teacher interviews - he says that his ex looked after all of this although he would have liked to have gone. He has always done graduations, school concerts, award nights etc. He has asked me to attend the Meet the Teachers night next week as well as parent teacher interviews that are held before the end of 1st term. I think it's for moral support more than anything. We haven't asked the young teen what they thing about me going but I suspect they will be okay with it as I was previously invited to primary graduation and year 7 orientation when the other parent was away on holiday.
Why do you find it awkward Sammy?
Sammy, you said awkward and worst parent teacher interviews are when a parent brings the new partner along. My partner recently took over full care of his young teen (interim court order). It's all still very raw for young teen. Happened suddenly and unexpectedly, going from approx 30% care to 100% with other parent to only have supervised visits. Parent Teacher interviews will be here before we know it. My partner was also the parent that didn't go to parent teacher interviews - he says that his ex looked after all of this although he would have liked to have gone. He has always done graduations, school concerts, award nights etc. He has asked me to attend the Meet the Teachers night next week as well as parent teacher interviews that are held before the end of 1st term. I think it's for moral support more than anything. We haven't asked the young teen what they thing about me going but I suspect they will be okay with it as I was previously invited to primary graduation and year 7 orientation when the other parent was away on holiday.
Why do you find it awkward Sammy?
Sam - I tell a lie...
Most awkward parent teacher interview? I was 25 just outa uni.... After 3 minutes the mother (approx. 40yrs old) started rubbing her foot up my trouser leg....
Back to Samantha... A school hall, full of desks, adults and children roaming about from teacher to teacher. A 45yr old man (ballpark) holding hands with his young pretty partner... The mother of the child is also there... Interview with mother causes me to have empathy for her... She looks exhausted...
So I did a course years ago - positive parenting course... On that course they said exactly the same... New partners need to be introduced slowly and with some consideration of the other person.
now in your case, you've been with the child for a while (btw - my partner does parent teacher interviews with my kids IF I can't make it, the kids mum lives 9 hours away. If mum were to choose to visit and attend parent teacher night, we would not go and I'd catch up with the teachers at another time..)
So in your case? I'm thinking given the new interim orders have put the kid into your care 100% mum would not be in attendance at parent teacher night?
Hey would you mind starting a new thread, and giving a bit of a description of how your case has gone from 30% care to 100% care.. I'm interested
Most awkward parent teacher interview? I was 25 just outa uni.... After 3 minutes the mother (approx. 40yrs old) started rubbing her foot up my trouser leg....
Back to Samantha... A school hall, full of desks, adults and children roaming about from teacher to teacher. A 45yr old man (ballpark) holding hands with his young pretty partner... The mother of the child is also there... Interview with mother causes me to have empathy for her... She looks exhausted...
So I did a course years ago - positive parenting course... On that course they said exactly the same... New partners need to be introduced slowly and with some consideration of the other person.
now in your case, you've been with the child for a while (btw - my partner does parent teacher interviews with my kids IF I can't make it, the kids mum lives 9 hours away. If mum were to choose to visit and attend parent teacher night, we would not go and I'd catch up with the teachers at another time..)
So in your case? I'm thinking given the new interim orders have put the kid into your care 100% mum would not be in attendance at parent teacher night?
Hey would you mind starting a new thread, and giving a bit of a description of how your case has gone from 30% care to 100% care.. I'm interested
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