Notifying ex of school absences

[Blueberry]

Hello

My ex and I have been separated for 2 and a 1/2 years, we have 3 children who live with me. Since we separated, my ex has had very little to do with their everyday lives. Fortnightly visits were overnight Friday and Saturday at first - gradually dwindled to four hours every second Saturday morning. He phoned them perhaps 6 or 7 times each year. He didn't attend school functions, parent-teacher interviews, graduation etc. If I notified him the children were ill, he did not generally ask to speak to them (or sometimes, even if they were ok).
At the end of last year, he moved 2 hours away. Not so great. But he is still making the effort to see them every fortnight (which is great!) and last week he decided to start calling them twice a week (or FaceTime). That's good, I want them to continue their relationship with him.

We have no formal parenting agreement in place, but should it progress to mediation (as he has told the children it will), I would like to know a little bit more about what is reasonable in this situation. Although things are not amicable between us, I am extremely reluctant to create unnecessary conflict.

He has recently stated that the children are to call him, or I text him, whenever they are absent from school or require a visit to the doctor. I have no general objection - I have no intention of withholding medical information from him, and I'm aware that he can access their school records at any time.

So, what I am curious about is this: must I notify him if the children are partially-absent on a school day - for example, if they have a dentist appointment during school hours? (He knows the children have regular dental check ups but has never asked me to notify him when they have an appointment) We are never late to school as a rule, but if on the off-chance we are late to school one day (which counts as partial absence), must I notify him - or if we have to leave early to get somewhere...etc...? If I must notify him, how much justification must I provide?
He is asking the children about their attendance at school and asking what they have for dinner every night, commenting if they have already eaten the same meal that week. I cannot explain his thinking on this matter - is he trying to imply something about my parenting? Is this just his way of relating to them? Is he feeling the distance physically and emotionally? I couldn't say.

But - if he is implying something negative about my parenting - if our son eats chicken schnitzel twice in one week, is that really an issue? How much involvement in the way things run in my house is reasonable? Given his lack of involvement previously, this is new territory for me. I don't want to be difficult - but do I have any say in my own home, as long as the children are well-taken care of?

To give some context, I have never been flagged by the school re: attendance, the kids don't have excessive time off school - they eat well, have an active lifestyle and love the schools they go to.

Thanks for any advice or clarity anyone can offer - this was longer than I anticipated.

 

[sammy01]

Nothing to worry about.... I'd suggest a nicely worded text / email...
Dear ex,
The kids inform me that you want them to contact you if they miss school. This is unnecessary and it is concerning. IF you would like I'm prepared to communicate to you directly to inform you in the event the kids miss school.

Kind Regards
Blah blah...

As far as asking about what they're having for dinner... Just ignore... It is of no significance..

 

[AllForHer]

There's only a very small handful of things that parents are expected to consult and make a genuine effort to jointly agree on - education, major medical interventions, care arrangements, change of name, religion and a major relocation that interferes with the kids' time with the other parent.

Nearly everything else is a day-to-day decision that is the responsibility of the parent with whom the children are spending time.

The major long-term decision about education is what school the child attends, not what days they miss, and the decisions about medical interventions are if the child gets vaccinated or needs to see a psychologist, not a routine visit to a GP for a cough. Both of those are day-to-day decisions and don't require consultation between the parents.

It's common courtesy to advise the other parent if one of the kids is sick and you've booked them to see a doctor (I'm sure you would want this information provided to you, no?), but if dad wants the kids' absentee reports, he can call the school and ask for a copy himself.

As for dad's subtle criticisms about your parenting, take it with a grain of salt. The kids don't care, they think you're a great mum, and you're their mum whether dad likes it or not. There's nothing you can do to control dad's actions, but you can control how you respond to it. If the kids say something, just say to them: 'Well, if I want to feed you schnitzel twice in one week, I'm going to feed you schnitzel twice in one week, because my house, my rules, and dad's house, dad's rules.'

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply.

That all seems reasonable and practical - and goes a very long way to easing my mind.

To be honest, I have sometimes taken my cues from him in the past about how involved he is - perhaps not the best course. I didn't notify him of every doctor's visit unless the kids had something contagious or broken - but you're right, I would want to know, if the situation was reversed. That seems to be a pretty reasonable standard. With that in mind, I will open up that side of communication.

As for everything else - I will try to take it with a grain of salt. Thanks again.