A swift upper cut to start the day.
The best thing about divorce.... You don't have to give a fcuk about what she thinks, feels, cares. Why don't you tell her how you feel? Oh because you know she doesn't give a.... So don't be rude, smile and nod then forget all about her feelings. FARK ME she thinks this is a competition that she needs to win? NUTTERS. Now you need to pay attention because up till now the good folk here have been very nice to you... Next time you let yourself worry, stress, cry because she said this or that, go outside and give yourself an uppercut.
So since I'm on boxing metaphors.... Watch this
Muhamad Ali spent 8 rounds in the ring with George Forman. Ali barely threw a punch. For 8 rounds he just blocked. You need to be Ali. Right now you are George Forman. Trying to throw punches, getting nowhere and being emotionally exhausted. Trust me I'm going somewhere with this... Start blocking. So when I was in your situation, I had a solicitor (for a while) writing back to the nutter after every altercation. Each letter =$$$$. And I was emotionally exhausted. So watch Ali again. 8 rounds of blocking, wearing Foreman out and with 20 seconds left in the 8th he starts hitting Foreman. 10 seconds later it is all over. BUT one more thing (I love Ali). After he hit Foreman the knock out blow Ali was ready to throw one more. He didn't. he knew he'd done the job and Foreman didn't need another punch. Classy. Be classy.. But right now you need to put on your runners, get Eye of the Tiger on your playlist, put a teaspoon of concrete in your coffee and toughen the F&%^F up. Don't let yourself worry about what she thinks feels blah blah. And you need to learn to ignore nutter behaviour because it will wear you down like Ali wore down Foreman...
No Relocation clause - Good. I'm in rural NSW. ORDER said no moving beyond 50km. 50km is about 40 min drive time and in most directions 40km puts you halfway between here and nowhere. So at the time I worked at the high school and the primary school was across the road. Keeping the kids there meant drop off / pick up's would be easy once they're all in school. BUT the rules are not strick. If the order says 40km and she moved 70km I'm screwed. All of a sudden it is gonna be impossible for me to pick up the kids from school at 3.pm because I'm at work at 3pm. I needed the kids in the same post code. And I needed her to think moving wasn't an option.
Now just checking? You are now the protected person on the FVO? That all seems very weird. And frankly not good. Way to piss her off man. But there might be some strategies to make this work. You're gonna need to give us some more details. So no doubt she'll be pissed off. You can expect she'll probably apply for a FVO on you. Hopefully, there is a no communication clause. That way she can't burden her with the whole 'i don't feel, you don't care blah blah'
Firstly, can she make the chld custody conditional on me accepting her financial offer? Yes, no and maybe... See in court the two are kinda kept separately. Kids should not be pawns in this game... But let not pretend we live in fairy land.
" From the day we go to 50/50 you don't have to pay anymore. "
(is that even an option?). Child support do the math. All you really need to know is that 35% is the magic number. At 35% care you're likely to be entitled to family tax benefit and less child support. 35% rougly means 5 nights a fortnight and half school holidays. Man, the stories I could tell you about how far my ex went to keep me below 35% care... See once she goes below 65% care child support is reduced and family tax benefit is seriously reduced. Now she is gonna be on maternity leave? for a while? reduced income? But for now, don't stress too much about this, just make sure you never ever agree to any $$$ beyond child support. I'm amazed at the amount of blokes who agree to pay for 50% of this that and the other above child support. Funny isn't it. 50/50 care HELL NO. 50/50 on child related expenses HELL YES?? WTF.
IF she keeps playing silly buggers, stop playing. Especially if it is wearing you out. Am I right in thinking these negotiations are via text message / email? Don't play. Be Ali, not Foreman. Clearly all this is doing is exhausting you and she is in control. Like I said, you wouldn't dare think to tell her what you think/feel. The idea is ridiculous.
Story time - Back in the day, SHE would say 'You're not supporting me enough". Hmm, I did the cooking, shopping, cleaning. She did African drumming on Wednesday, I stayed home with the kids, Zumba on Friday. I worked, she didn't. She woke up to an Italian style brewed coffee at 8am. Kids dressed and me out the door to work. I'd be tearing my hair out. What more can I do to support her? One day Isaid to her. 'You are not supporting me enough'. Her response? "stop being a smart arse".Hm.
Solution. Don't play. Don't respond. Ignore anything that is all about ME ME ME.
Just thinking out loud. Accept 5 a fortnight. BUT. you wan't an order that reads "Neither party will rely upon Rice and Asplund". So Rice and Asplund is an important case in family law. Hard to explain, but I'll try. So there are nutters in this world (you've worked that one out). Some of them get addicted to crack, gambling, pot. Some get addicted to the drama of family court and or the fun of using the system to terrorise their ex. Yep you know who Im talking about... You got one of them. To try and stop this nonsense, to stop idiots constantly applying to court there is a threshold that you need to prove in order to re-open a case. You need to show 'significant change in circumstances'. The word 'significant' is a problem. My ex tried to use the fact that the love of her life was moving 7 hours away was significant and to deprive her of the right to move with him (and take the kids) would be a crime against romance. Him moving 7 hours and her wanting to go with.... Was never gonna reach the threshold required to apply to court for the 'no relocation' clause to be removed. Kids becoming teenagers is not a good enough reason either.... BUT if you have a clause that reads 'Neither party will rely upon Rice and Asplund', then in a couple of years time you could apply to the courts for more time...
Now - You're not gonna get 50/50 in court. And I don't think this NUTTER is refusing 50/50 because it's not in the best interests of the kids. She is refusing 50/50 because she can. Tell me if this sounds like you... By the end of my marriage we could not agree on the colour of the sky in summer. The dynamics of the relationship were I am wrong ALWAYS. SHE is right. ALWAYS. When she kicked me out, that dynamic still existed. If i said 50/50 was gonna be good for the kids, she disagreed. WHY? Well that was the dynamic. Nothing had changed. So you gotta learn to fight by not fighting. Lets watch Ali again... He didn't fight. For 8 rounds. When he started fighting... It took 10 seconds.
So how much $$$ do you wanna throw at this?
I'd suggest you offer 5 a fortnight, increasing to 6 in 2 yrs and a Rice and Asplund clause. Good result.
BTW - Time heals. Dont get me wrong, nutters will always be nutters. But these days, sometimes, rarely, but sometimes my ex does something that leads me to think that she has spent enough time visiting our planet to understand some of our cultural practices. One time, by way of example, she called me to tell me she was gonna be an hour late dropping off the kids. The fact that I'd already left for the 3 hour drive means the phone call didn't help. But God bless she tried. She even said sorry. Yep acknowledgement that she had stuffed me around. That is real progress. I'm proud of her... FFS
So I do think you'll find in a few yrs - probably when the new addition has hit the terrible two's - she will be calling you up and begging for you to come take the little darlings off her hands.
Final thought - You've gotta find ways to save $$ on solicitors. Mate if I had my time again I would never ever have spent a dime on solicitors. That said, at the time. I was emotionally broke and I had minimal knowledge of family law. Since my first set of consent orders there have been several solicitors write to me for various reasons and I walk to the bottle shop, grab a six pack, sit at my computer and enjoy writing back... I reckon you're gonna need to learn to do the same.
rant over
