I'd be waiting to see what the family report looks like. Changing primary care to you is a big deal. What sort of access do you want mum to have? If the only gripe you have with mum's parenting style is that she hates you then you might wanna reconsider. My ex is a good mum. But she hates me and that impacts on some choices she makes sometimes.
NO.
In this situation, she only has to be emotionally or psychologically abusive.
Someone else said in another post the bar to getting a FVIO is so low the bar is on the ground. I like this quote. It is ridiculously low and you can use that for your advantage.
And behaviour by a person that causes a child to hear or witness the above means you can add the child to the FVIO.
So - different perspective. YUP avo / FVIO easy to get - Ridiculously, easy... But is it good strategy. Gender bias here. I don't think it is a good look for the non-primary carer... Usually the bloke. WHY? well co-parenting needs dad to show he can work with mum.
Mum drilling kid about how many lollies daddy gave her. Bad parenting sure... so back in the day - The ex told be to get rid of the dog. The kids are allergic... They wern't allergic before me and the dog got kicked out. The kids got knits everytime they visited me. Wait for it... She insisted I weigh the nappies and keep a chart and chart drink intakes (made me drink more, I'm glad she didn't ask for that data). Hmm. I weighed one nappy once to get a ball park and then made up data to keep her happy. THEN - We had final orders... She wanted charts, food diary, evidence I was reading to the kids, blah blah blah. I said NO and asked her where it was stated in the orders that I had to do what she wanted. Old mate, look forward to that time BUT until it happens think big picture and I don't think an avo is gonna help big picture.
Mum drilling kid about how many lollies daddy gave her. Bad parenting sure... so back in the day - The ex told be to get rid of the dog. The kids are allergic... They wern't allergic before me and the dog got kicked out. The kids got knits everytime they visited me. Wait for it... She insisted I weigh the nappies and keep a chart and chart drink intakes (made me drink more, I'm glad she didn't ask for that data). Hmm. I weighed one nappy once to get a ball park and then made up data to keep her happy. THEN - We had final orders... She wanted charts, food diary, evidence I was reading to the kids, blah blah blah. I said NO and asked her where it was stated in the orders that I had to do what she wanted. Old mate, look forward to that time BUT until it happens think big picture and I don't think an avo is gonna help big picture.
The ex needs to adjust to the new reality of coparenting.
At its utopian best, ordinary day-to-day coparenting allows respectful, reciprocal team work between separated parents. At worst or very most basic, seperate parenting with no involment or influence from the other. (Different story of course for actual neglect and abuse).
In a nut shell, she can harp on about your parenting performance to all and sundry, in whatever tone and on whatever trivial matter she likes - all of no consequence to you. Marriage is over. You're no longer operating as a team in that old sense. Neither of you can dictate the terms of day to day parenting to the other. Simple as that. You can choose to allow her that control, or you either ignore completely, or send through banal, empty responses. Once things settle down, sure there's scope to Reciprocate requests ect, but until then, shut it down - you are not operating as a team.
Once upon a time, my ex and I couldn't comment, judge or even request a single thing to each other regarding parenting - trivial or semi-serious. He wasn't taking it from me, nor I from him. Even my solicitor laid it out bluntly: "I won't be engaged to argue on your behalf about why your ex has again forgotten to pack your child's teeball shoes".
To be honest, it took a long time for me to gain perspective. But now, ex and I are able to amicably exchange texts about anything such as how much screen time is best, despite having different views on it, and weirdly find ourselves in peaceful middle ground.
An FVRO can address the relentless harassment, sure - but I agree with previous posters that it's a poor long term strategy. If it were me, I'd simply document and file any real impact her questioning is having on the child, and flat out ignore the rants/demands about your parenting. It's white noise, and irrelevant to any future court case (again - unless there is actual neglect or abuse).
My Mum used to give us the Spanish Inquisition each and every time we returned from Dads house growing up. Every time, without fail, from the age of 7. Dad never did it. My siblings and I have never forgotten it. Kids know. They learn, and they soon start resenting the behaviour.
At its utopian best, ordinary day-to-day coparenting allows respectful, reciprocal team work between separated parents. At worst or very most basic, seperate parenting with no involment or influence from the other. (Different story of course for actual neglect and abuse).
In a nut shell, she can harp on about your parenting performance to all and sundry, in whatever tone and on whatever trivial matter she likes - all of no consequence to you. Marriage is over. You're no longer operating as a team in that old sense. Neither of you can dictate the terms of day to day parenting to the other. Simple as that. You can choose to allow her that control, or you either ignore completely, or send through banal, empty responses. Once things settle down, sure there's scope to Reciprocate requests ect, but until then, shut it down - you are not operating as a team.
Once upon a time, my ex and I couldn't comment, judge or even request a single thing to each other regarding parenting - trivial or semi-serious. He wasn't taking it from me, nor I from him. Even my solicitor laid it out bluntly: "I won't be engaged to argue on your behalf about why your ex has again forgotten to pack your child's teeball shoes".
To be honest, it took a long time for me to gain perspective. But now, ex and I are able to amicably exchange texts about anything such as how much screen time is best, despite having different views on it, and weirdly find ourselves in peaceful middle ground.
An FVRO can address the relentless harassment, sure - but I agree with previous posters that it's a poor long term strategy. If it were me, I'd simply document and file any real impact her questioning is having on the child, and flat out ignore the rants/demands about your parenting. It's white noise, and irrelevant to any future court case (again - unless there is actual neglect or abuse).
My Mum used to give us the Spanish Inquisition each and every time we returned from Dads house growing up. Every time, without fail, from the age of 7. Dad never did it. My siblings and I have never forgotten it. Kids know. They learn, and they soon start resenting the behaviour.
The above response about @MP78 's own experience as a child of separated parents is what it comes down to in our situation too. Kids are smart, they'll clock which parent is being unfair/unreasonable with their line of questioning.
I'm stepmum to three and their biological mum constantly calls the children while they are in my partner's (consent orders) care. To their credit, the kids humour her with simple one-word answers, even when she repeatedly asks if they have "anything else to report" about what they are doing/eating/playing while with their Dad. I sense they are growing to resent being called upon as informers and suspect they'll push back a bit as they get older.
For our situation, the biggest learning over the past six years has been about boundary setting with the ex. She had previously called the shots since separation and just assumed she had every right to know what was going on, dictate how and exactly when Dad could spend time with the kids, critique Dad's parenting, threw out legal/with-holding threats left, right and centre, decide who of the paternal relations could spend time with the kids and all number of other trivial demands.
It wasn't until Dad finally realised that doing whatever he could to soothe the savage beast was only feeding that sense of power, and sought formal court orders that the ex had a massive reality check. Sure, it was a sh!t and expensive two years filled with failed mediation, lawyers, confusing documents and moments of being so close to pulling out of the battle that we almost gave it away, but sticking it out and going through the legal process has been so liberating for all of us in this broader relationship (mind you, I did also massively benefit from hypnotherapy to manage anxiety attacks every time the phone would ding with her ring or text tone).
Thankfully in our situation, we don't believe the children are at any risk of harm, other than the damage it might cause to her own relationships with them. She still has occasional uncontrollable outbursts of (mostly text) rage these days, but we 'observe, don't absorb' and just move on with our lives.
I'm stepmum to three and their biological mum constantly calls the children while they are in my partner's (consent orders) care. To their credit, the kids humour her with simple one-word answers, even when she repeatedly asks if they have "anything else to report" about what they are doing/eating/playing while with their Dad. I sense they are growing to resent being called upon as informers and suspect they'll push back a bit as they get older.
For our situation, the biggest learning over the past six years has been about boundary setting with the ex. She had previously called the shots since separation and just assumed she had every right to know what was going on, dictate how and exactly when Dad could spend time with the kids, critique Dad's parenting, threw out legal/with-holding threats left, right and centre, decide who of the paternal relations could spend time with the kids and all number of other trivial demands.
It wasn't until Dad finally realised that doing whatever he could to soothe the savage beast was only feeding that sense of power, and sought formal court orders that the ex had a massive reality check. Sure, it was a sh!t and expensive two years filled with failed mediation, lawyers, confusing documents and moments of being so close to pulling out of the battle that we almost gave it away, but sticking it out and going through the legal process has been so liberating for all of us in this broader relationship (mind you, I did also massively benefit from hypnotherapy to manage anxiety attacks every time the phone would ding with her ring or text tone).
Thankfully in our situation, we don't believe the children are at any risk of harm, other than the damage it might cause to her own relationships with them. She still has occasional uncontrollable outbursts of (mostly text) rage these days, but we 'observe, don't absorb' and just move on with our lives.
Thanks everyone. Your inputs give me a better perspective from all directions. I won't pursuit IVO but have sent ex the blunt email that I mentioned earlier on to show that I am willing to co-parent while maintaining boundary.
Shout out to MP78 for sharing your own childhood memory. This gives me a great insight and confidence to continue focusing on our child.
Shout out to MP78 for sharing your own childhood memory. This gives me a great insight and confidence to continue focusing on our child.
Can only add we've had a similar experience to what others are describing above. Step kids mother calls every day they're in our care and begins in the interrogation- What did you have for breakfast? What did you have for lunch? Did anyone come over? Who did you go for a bike ride with? What time did you get up?... and so on. Even "have you got anything else to tell me?"- just like Keeks described.
A few years back, the eldest seems quite enmeshed with her mother and was eager to push her father, or even her sister, under the proverbial bus to get her mum's approval and love. It now looks like she's starting to push back on the constant questioning- the response has changed from dutiful reporting to a very pre-teen "Seriously?!?!?..why are you always asking me that?" Whether that's a result growing maturity, or spending more time with her father so she can form her own opinions I don't know (probably a bit of both). They're bright kids, I think they can see that what they're told doesn't match what they see, and the longer it goes on, the less respect they're going to have for their mother's opinions on the matter.
You've put it to her that you're not going to engage in these petty intrusions, which is entirely reasonable- now the job is to make sure you don't. As they say on the Internets- Don't feed the troll!
A few years back, the eldest seems quite enmeshed with her mother and was eager to push her father, or even her sister, under the proverbial bus to get her mum's approval and love. It now looks like she's starting to push back on the constant questioning- the response has changed from dutiful reporting to a very pre-teen "Seriously?!?!?..why are you always asking me that?" Whether that's a result growing maturity, or spending more time with her father so she can form her own opinions I don't know (probably a bit of both). They're bright kids, I think they can see that what they're told doesn't match what they see, and the longer it goes on, the less respect they're going to have for their mother's opinions on the matter.
You've put it to her that you're not going to engage in these petty intrusions, which is entirely reasonable- now the job is to make sure you don't. As they say on the Internets- Don't feed the troll!
This 100%. My ex, with very little interest in the kids, decided to keep them on the school holidays and not return them. She then filed an FVIO with the kids ONLY listed (Not herself) which I'm still fighting and the recovery order failed because of the interim order. So in the span of a week, I went from 90% care of the kids to 0% and haven't seen them in 6 months. Hopefully the family law matter resolves this later this month as the FVIO has been adjourned again until later this year as per PD6 of 2020
Sign..
I was on this boat and I just witnessed a friend who also had just experienced this. He was stressed and upset, but now on the path of getting the original parenting order reinstalled. It took him many months indeed. But I tried to convince him to use this free time on bettering himself as a individual and as a parent.
his ex initiated all sorts of drama frivolously, spent her own money on lawyers and family report and caused stress to her own children but didn’t get anything she wanted in the end once truth came out.
Looks like you are on the right path by being the matter to family law proceedings. Good luck. I
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