Momc requests one time change to custody for xmas. How should I respond?

[nuffi]

We don't have final orders yet. We broke up 9 years ago. We had a great relationship, not just amicable but lovely coparenting for years. I had the kids 6 nights a fortnight, and would spend an extra night or three at her place parenting the kids.

Until I ran out of money and couldn't pay her mortgage anymore.

She made the baseless claim that I was a danger of kidnapping the children and withdrew my time entirely. About 4 months later, she agreed to 3.5 hours on tuesdays, and 7 on Sundays.

Today she's sent me a message letting me know that she's planned her family christmas to be on boxing day, and that the kids don't want to miss out on that, so please could I swap days.

Which of course, I will have to do.

The problem is that I am really wanting to say something that will play out well in the family court (whern we get there!) for our custodial hearing.

She has been a massive control freak at every turn for every issue. She will ignore court orders if it suits her. Or even just on a whim.

This must have been arranged some time ago, and it's only today that she's asked. I think only because the kids pointed out that boxing day was my day.

It's frustrating that her family could choose any time over the christmas period to celebrate christmas, yet choose the only few hours that they alocated to me.

Will the court even care about this behaviour?

Can I say anything I want?

What should my response be?

 

[sammy01]

Ok, so you're not going to win the argument. So don't have it. Just agree because that will look better when this finds its way to court. And let's face it... If you argue SHE will just refuse you access.
Play the long game. Get into court asap.
So you're prepared to agree? Great. Just leave it at that.
Thought bubble - Communicate in writing and write like a judge might read it one day, because a judge might read it one day...
Have you tried mediation yet?

 

[Tim W]

What should my response be?

"No"

 

[nuffi]

Ok, so you're not going to win the argument. So don't have it. Just agree because that will look better when this finds its way to court. And let's face it... If you argue SHE will just refuse you access.
Play the long game. Get into court asap.
So you're prepared to agree? Great. Just leave it at that.
Thought bubble - Communicate in writing and write like a judge might read it one day, because a judge might read it one day...
Have you tried mediation yet?

Yes. Basically, once the money ran out she has become more awful than I could possibly imagine. She got lawyers and it feels like they're running a cookie cutter dot to dot campaign of awful. I had 9 years history of having the kids almost half the time, but all of a sudden I am incapable of looking after the kids, incapable of keeping an environment that's acceptable for them to live in, which escalates to being accused of a risk to her, and the kids....

I thought it was all so she could get the house free and clear, so I gave that to her. I honestly do not care about the money. But I spent a lot of time sacrificing my own needs to maintain a positive relationship with her because it's so important for the kids that that is the case, and she's just rejected it out of hand.

My inclination at this stage is to write a response along the lines of:

People make arrangements for christmas weeks in advance. To request this with less than a week to go is very disappointing. The present arrangements for the children have been in place for months now, and they are your arrangements. You agreed that I would have the kids between 3pm and 7pm on Tuesdays. To make arrangements for the kids to do things with you at this time is pretty unfair. To make an offer to swap time for any day this week except Monday, as though Monday were just a day and not christmas day is even more disappointing. I feel it shows egregious disregard for me, my time with the kids, and also the court orders.

Having said that, given that you've already told the kids what they're doing on Boxing day, and they are extremely excited about seeing their cousins, I feel I have no choice but to say yes.

Can I have them Saturday and keep them overnight?"

Which she will of course reject because fopr reasons I don't understand she will under no circumstances let the children stay at my place overnight atm.

(Can someone tell me why that would be a thing. It's upsetting for me, and even more upsetting for the kids that we've gone from seeing each other overnight 6 nights each fortnight to ten house contact per week)

At which point I will probably just cave because a) I think it's good for the kids, and b) I hope it looks good to the court that I am willing to communicate with her and compromise.

Is this a good approach?

 

[sammy01]

Any response should be minimal. BUT - I'm confused. You're happy to agree with the change? Then just write - Sure, no worries.
The more you write the messier it all gets. 'Sure no worries' is harm reduction.