NSW Long distance travel 3 yr old

[ellabella]

Hi. Need some advice. Long story short (ish). Was with ex until child was 8 month old. Me and her went on a holiday to see my mother for 2 weeks 1000kms away. While away ex told me he didn't want us to return and the relationship was over. Did not protest to us living so far away from him (history of mild DV).
For the first 12 months ex saw daughter every 2- 4 months (with two 4 month gaps). I arranged skype 2-3 times a week for her to see him, which i had to facilitate heavily, with me sitting in front of camera engaging with her for up to an hour.
Ex was welcome to stay on my mother's property for his visits. Ex became intimidating while visiting and staying with me and my mother. Emailed ex and said i was no longer comfortable sitting in front camera for skype anymore, i said nothing about stopping visitation.
Got legal letter demanding i drive child for 2 hours and leave her with him in a hotel for 2 nights and 3 days. She was 20 months old and had never been apart from me. I refused. Legal battle ensued.
Ex did not see child for 12 months (not because i stopped him but because he refused to sign parenting plan etc etc). During this time ex moved from Sydney to Bundaberg (nth QLD) without telling me.
Ex started seeing child for supervised visits last Sept (2016). Saw her 4 times for 4 fortnights, then went to a first Saturday of every month for 3 hours 3 times and then whole day once a month- he has since completed 2 of these whole day visits, however managing to have a gap of 6 weeks once and a gap of 7 weeks once. This was even after i told him how the longer gaps stressed her and she would headbutt walls etc for 2 weeks after visit.
Now i get interim orders suddenly from him. For the next 2 months he wants her from 9am - 4pm on friday and Saturday of first weekend of every month locally (30kms away). Then one overnight locally, then it jumps to me driving her 2 hours up the coast (still for 9am 4pm- doesn't account for driving time either way), for an overnight once a month. This goes for a couple of months culminating in him getting her for one whole week in December which involves me driving her to Brisbane airport (3 hours away) and picking her up from there at the end of the visit.
I'm just wondering what can happen in this kind of case.
Will the court decide it is appropriate for a 3 year old to travel such distance? Especially when he has been travelling here to see her so far?
Also he moved from Sydney to Bundaberg, if he was still living in Sydney he would fly to a local airport (60kms away, or even closer) and could visit her like that, however this move means she is being punished for his move in form of excessive car time. Also even driving her up the coast, she is not going to his home, and if she is he is adding a further 12 hours driving time to a weekend visit to get her to his house at Bundaberg.
Please help.

 

[sammy01]

oh dear... Ex didn't see child for 12 months? NOT because you stopped him? But because he would not sign the parenting plan? Ok? OR another way of expressing that is You would not let him see his kid unless he sign a piece of paper that he didn't want to sign...

He has done most of the travel so far?
He has had to deal with supervised visits, even though you have not expressed any cause for concern?

She is being punished in the form of excessive car time? It knda sounds like you're grasping at straws for reasons for you to have to do nothing.

I don't see anything at all unreasonable about what he is proposing.

Ok so 2 hours driving for a 9-4. Ok so why not suggest 10-3?

Apart from that I don't see any issues with what he is suggesting... So what is your problem with it?

 

[Koh_Aidah]

Hi ellabella,
I just saw your post and feel really bad that you didn’t get any support, I know exactly how you feel and what your reservations were. I hear exactly what you are saying and hear that you weren’t trying to keep him away, I get it. Please know someone who has been there knows your feelings unlike other poster who has not an idea of how it feels and how horrible it would be for the child in that situation. I’ve been in a similar situation for the past almost 3 years with my child’s father and we are going through court right now. He has been in and out of my son’s life, picking and choosing when he is present, not a dad in my eyes, he plays with my son, that’s the extent of his parenting. He lives 3 hours from us, I’ve not moved, we met in the town where I am currently living. If you wouldn’t mind me asking, what did the judge think about the distance? It’s a massive concern of mine for him to have my son overnight, my son co-sleeps with me and has never had a night apart from me. Thank you I hope your situation has resolved and that and your daughter are happy and comfortable with what has transpired.

 

[sammy01]

With respect - I did provide advice and suggestions and that advice and suggestions are in-line with current thinkng in the courts. You just dont like the advice, doesn't mean it might not be accurate and I think it is...

One of the things the courts look at it is that attitude of both parents. Now Koh, you have expressed a particularily negative attitude towards the dad. That is not a positive in the eyes of the court. I'm not making this stuff up. Have a read...
Children and family law | Family Relationships Online
Here is how the courts decide parenting matters
What are the primary and secondary considerations of the court in relation to the best interests of a child?

Now Koh let me help you see a serious flaw in your argument... Dad isn't a real dad, doesn't wanna do the hard yards, choosing when to be present? choosing when to be present? I know I wrote that bit twice (deliberately). So he is pretty lazy, uninterested blah blah.... But this same bloke is going to the expense and stress of taking you to court so he can have the courts decide when he can see his kid?

so your kid is what 3yrs old? maybe 4? Google "Jen McIntoch and family law" she is often quoted as a researcher into primary attachment theory and is often cited in court cases... Short version, her research says that a kid of 3 or 4 should be able to spend 2-3 nights a fortnight away from mum.
You might want to consider weening your kid off co-sleeping for a range of reasons. The best reason? Well walking into a court and telling a magistrate that dad can't have an overnight with the kid because the kid has to sleep with you is not gonna end real well for you.

While you're at it, look up parental alienation because your ex is likely to make a case that parental alienation applies here.

so help me out, what sort of time is dad seeking in court with the kid? If the kid is 4yrs old and dad wants 50/50 he is gonna struggle. If he wants alterante weekends Friday arvo to Sunday lunch time and a bit of time over school holidays, I reckon you need to realise that you're wasting your time and money and causing yourself heaps of stress fighting it. While we're there what sort of access would you like to see the courts order for dad to have time with the kid? Seriously, I respectfully would like to know what sort of arangements you would like for the kid to spend time with dad?

So you asked about the distance... travelling 3 hours once a fortnight... NOTHING - big deal.
final thing... Just for fun. I like those ads i see on tv sometimes. You know the ones? 'dad for life'.

Kindest regards.

 

[ellabella]

Sammy you are the biggest idiot misogynist on this page. No one listens to you.

 

[ellabella]

Hi ellabella,
I just saw your post and feel really bad that you didn’t get any support, I know exactly how you feel and what your reservations were. I hear exactly what you are saying and hear that you weren’t trying to keep him away, I get it. Please know someone who has been there knows your feelings unlike other poster who has not an idea of how it feels and how horrible it would be for the child in that situation. I’ve been in a similar situation for the past almost 3 years with my child’s father and we are going through court right now. He has been in and out of my son’s life, picking and choosing when he is present, not a dad in my eyes, he plays with my son, that’s the extent of his parenting. He lives 3 hours from us, I’ve not moved, we met in the town where I am currently living. If you wouldn’t mind me asking, what did the judge think about the distance? It’s a massive concern of mine for him to have my son overnight, my son co-sleeps with me and has never had a night apart from me. Thank you I hope your situation has resolved and that and your daughter are happy and comfortable with what has transpired.

Thanks Koh. It did resolve. We just got final orders last month. So now my kid can see her father locally, and regularly- which wasn't happening before. Some 'father's just haven't accepted that parenting is sacrifice and responsibility- not ownership and control. We never got to a judge, as most cases don't. Time just ticked on and things changed and eventually the 'father' saw the situation in more detail, and was also crippled from the expense (like me) and he started accepting that his daughter's 'best interests' were a thing. That idiot who replied; Sammy, is some evangelical moron who doesn't know s**t about family law. Just keep plodding along and behave well. Get everything in writing and commit to a diary. Get a social worker coming into your home and get them to witness your child's relationship with you, get a good Dr who is sympathetic to sole parents and talk to them about your situation. I think a lot of women feel very dis-empowered by the legal system at the moment, for good reason, but usually time wins and the kid just grows up. Good luck, take care.

 

[sammy01]

Again - with respect...You read my post - so clearly you are listening. OUCH - Again, simply having an opinion that differs from yours does not make me wrong.

Nope I disagree, again respectfully, I am not a mysoginist nor am I an idiot. I'm actually starting to think that having an opinion that differs from your's qualifies me for genius status. Why not look up the word misandrist.... Get back to me with a definition. Crap like 'father' in brackets indicates a sexist attitude towards men. Sexism is bad right? regardless of whether it is directed at men or women... OR is it ok to be sexist? but only if it is sexism against men? I'd like your thoughts?

I know nothing about family law? I can quote the act to you... The court MUST.... MUST... not might... MUST - "consider whether the child spending equal time with each of the parents would be in the best interests of the child" section 65Daa if you don't believe me you can look it up. I have also provided reliable sources to show the poster the way courts work. I'm not just making this stuff up. So maybe I know more than you give me credit for.

You are right about how the system finacially cripples people - of both sexes and sadly both mums and dads wind up settling with less than ideal because they don't have the funds. Sadly, this means in some cases kids don't get to spend time with their dads. Sadly, this is because of negative sexist misanderist women. Sadly, too there are men out there who are equally guilty of poor behavour that impacts on their kids. Sadly, as you've mentioned the system is slow. Very sadly, this means lots of non-primary carers (I'm deliberately not using gender based langauge here because I'm not sexist) wind up missing out on seeing their kids grow because of the snail paced system. It would appear you think this a good thing. Again, using the system to deprive a parent of access to their kid? hmm how would you go if the situation was reversed and you had to wait months and months before the magistrate reviewed your case?

Good advice from Ella to get everything in writing. I agree. Getting a social worker, again great advice. Doctor shopping until you find someone who is prepared to help you manipulate the system to stop a bloke who they have never met from getting to see his kids? have you looked up misanderist yet? Shame on you.

I also agree that some women, nope some people of both genders feel dis-empowered by this system. It would be great to have a less adveresarial system. Get the solicitors and judges out of this caper and leave it to well trained child psychologist is my prefferred approach, but don't get me started...

Oh one more thing that I can quote. Not from the family law act... But from my court orders. They say "The children live with the father and spend time with the mother as follows..." and that has been the case since my youngest was 4. Not the result i was after BTW. So as Ella has mentioned "Some 'father's just haven't accepted that parenting is sacrifice and responsibility- not ownership and control. " She is right... This statement can also apply to some 'mothers' . You're choice to focus on only the faults of the fathers means you really really need to do a google search for the word 'misanderist'.

Koh - at 4 yrs old it is time to stop co-sleeping. Again just my humble opinion. But how much longer do you reckon co-sleeping should happen? 1 more year? 3? 5 yrs? Surely not. Kid spending 3 hours in a car? I've been on long haul plane trips and seen kids younger. Like I said, a court is very likely to order overnight time. So feel free to keep fighting, you're welcome to it, I'm just a punter on the internet with a different perspective. But my perspective is that all that fighting this crap in court will only cause you and dad lots of grief and trauma and will impact on your emotional wellbeing and that will impact on the kid. Let he kid spend 2 nights with dad. I'm sure the kid won't come back broken...