QLD Kids reporting abuse

[HappyLarry]

I am the father.

My children are 6 and 8 years old.

They have reported physical and mental abuse to me several times.

The last time they reported abuse it was quite worrying. My ex and her family hit my son in the head, call him an idiot, looser or stupid and then they all have a laugh about it. They tell him they don't want him in the family and that they want to send him to an orphanage. This occurs very regularly.

Both kids asked me to write down what they said happened (in their words), print it and then they wanted to sign it (they learned about signing when we went overseas earlier this year) so that Mummy couldn't say it didn't happen. I found this unusual as kids this age shouldn't think like this. I have never told them about the ex denying the abuse, though does this thing where she tells small lies almost constantly and big ones every few hours - she is quite proud of it because it screws with your mind so badly.

Both kids said that they know that Mummy and her family do not care about them, are mean to them all the time and are bad people. They are aware of this because of the huge difference between mine and my exes households and the people we associate with. Its also obvious because my ex and her family enjoy the abuse so much they rub it in the kids faces.

I have contacted my ex about the abuse a number of times but she turns it around and says that I am turning the kids against her and her family.

My kids are obviously looking to me to help them find ways to deal with the abuse and get it stopped. My main issue is that my ex's whole extended family is in on the abuse so the only people who are prepared to talk about it are the kids - the only witnesses are the kids. There is no way my ex's extended family will stop the abuse voluntarily, they will only stop once the authorities take the kids away.

I am about to submit my family court application in the next 14 days as my care was dropped from 45% to 15%, 4 months ago (ex got a new partner). Once we get into the system I get the feeling the family reporter will probably see them for who they are but I have no idea how far away that is.

My big worry is if the kids report abuse like this again, I feel I will have no choice but to not return them. If I have to do this, what should I expect the court to do about it?

 

[Lance]

Hi Larry,
No one is going to believe a statement written by you and signed by your children and they probably wont believe it was your kids idea either. You could seek counselling for the kids but this wont be seen as independent either. If you don't return your children and there is a parenting order in place you can expect the court to take this very seriously and you could be jeopardising any future time with your kids. If you check out some of the dad groups they might be able to offer some really good advise something like dads in distress: Dads in Distress

 

[HappyLarry]

Thank you for your reply Lance. I understand your point of view, which is exactly how I thought it would be seen.

I am not saying the piece of paper is proof, I just mentioned it because it was unusual behavior.

I have been advised that the next time the kids report abuse like this, it would be wise to not return them and get a TPO. This entire experience is very confusing because I am often given very different advice.

Because of their mothers denial of the abuse I mentioned to the kids they should speak to their teacher about the issue before talking to me. The kids currently go to a psychologist which was approved by myself and the ex, though she says that anything the kids tell the psychologist is poisoned by me.

I have been told that once my ex is in front of a court and family reporter that it will be plain as day to them.

There is currently no parenting orders.

I called Dads in Distress (about this) over a year ago and the only help they offerred me was to provide some advise on domestic violence (based on males being the perpetrator). Obviously that wasn't particularly helpful.

 

[sammy01]

ok so you're stuck in a really tough place.
Some questions... How much time do you want with the kids according to your court application?
Why has your time dropt? what reason has been given... How long did you have 45% care for?

So the abuse is kinda on the small side of things. I know that is fcuking hard to take / hear etc... BUT the fact is they are not being beaten / starved / etc... If that were the case I'd suggest you refuse to return them after the next visit.

So without all the info, I reckon as far as court goes you say nothing.. your case should be based on the fact that you and the ex can effectively co-parent and accusing her of abuse isn't gonna help your cause.

One more thing - go see the psychologist. Invite the ex - make sure the psychologist knows of your concerns. There is a good chance the psychologist will notify doc's - teachers - psychologists etc are all legal mandatory notifyers of child abuse... But by going with the ex and without the kids, you're putting her on notice to stop...

 

[HappyLarry]

That is pretty interesting advice about the psychologist sammy01. The only issue with this is the kids have expressly requested that their mother not have anything to do with their psychologist.

I would like the kids 50/50. There is no reason for me not to have 50/50, I am straighter than an arrow and have always been that way. I worked from home 50% of the time when we were together.

I had 35% care for over a year and then 45% care for 6 months. Ex got a new guy so she dropped my time down to 15% and got the kids to start calling him Dad. The kids are very confused by it.

The kids have reported physical and verbal abuse (beatings from non family members but condoned by them) previously but that was also denied. I have yet to get any proof of anything other than the kids words. I have been told that I must include the abuse in my affidavit because its guaranteed this is going to court and I need to help the family reporter to see what is happening and possibly allow the older child to be interviewed.

I have kept a very comprehensive diary of everything for over a year. My ex and I only have written communication.

 

[sammy01]

Have you spoken to psychologist?
Ok so your question in the first post was about what if you do not return the kids because they report abuse... Look I'd be listening to their psychologist and a solicitor for advice on that... it is not something to be done flippantly. I also think you have less to worry about from court, your issue is how to enforce it.... How to stop mum picking kids up from school and then preventing you any access. All of a sudden the kids are in the middle and that must be avoided.

How would you go with 100% care? You can't really accuse of abuse and sustain an argument that the kids are ok there some of the time???

 

[HappyLarry]

"Have you spoken to psychologist?"

I have spoken at length with a psychologist who also works with the family court system. It was them who recommended that I not return them should there be another accusation from the kids. I have yet to speak to the kids psychologist.

"How to stop mum picking kids up from school and then preventing you any access."

This is a really big issue. I would need to take an AVO/TPO out against the mother and her family and then supply it to the school. I realise how embarrassing this would be for the kids, their mother and myself. This is a really big deal. It is no longer a private matter between two families but a very public matter with very public accusations.

"How would you go with 100% care?"

I could do this without an issue. I can work while they are at school only and still maintain the same income and lifestyle. I also have family and friends who are able to help me for extended periods of time.

"You can't really accuse of abuse and sustain an argument that the kids are ok there some of the time???"

This is a very big one. I really want their mother and her family to be part of their lives. I was hoping to ask for supervised visitation in the hopes that that forces them to make the changes needed. In saying this I have been told that my ex and her family will probably not stop the abuse until the kids are taken from them. Once that happens they may decide make some changes but its unlikely.

 

[sammy01]

Get to court - get 50/50 or close enough to it. Let the legal system go slow - I kinda think there is a reason for the snail's pace - it gives parents time to hang themselves, the longer this goes on hopefully - the more obvious it is that there is some poor parenting on her part and hopefully the courts will act accordingly.

If kids make more complaints of abuse - consider an avo.. BUT do it with legal advice not just advice from punters like me on a site like this