QLD Family Court Orders - Chances of Relocating with Children?

[Meg3]

Hi,

I have 5-year-old twin boys and a just 2-year-old daughter. My ex-husband has been living with another woman and her children since I was early pregnant with our daughter. He also left when the prematurely born twins were only 5 months old and I raised them alone for the remainder of their first year of life. Still my for reuniting our family.

Since she was only 3 weeks of age, I was pressured into handing her over with expressed milk to him and his new girlfriend. However, they never wanted her overnight. In May 2015, I forced family court orders to settle finances as well as draw some appropriate boundaries for parenting.

He pushes for more time now on paper constantly, however, always makes excuses as to why he cannot take our daughter and a constantly changes care arrangement for the boys using his work as an excuse. I am aware that his girlfriend doesn't want to care for them while he is not available.

I am still single and I have recently lost my teaching contract leaving me in a very vulnerable and financially difficult position. I am having to borrow from family all at weekly to get by.

I have applied for hundreds of jobs a majority, not in my teaching areas just to have my name and CV on their books. There simply isn't a lot of jobs available in this area at present. I have asked my ex to allow me to relocate with the children and he flat out denies. But complains constantly about having to pay more child support. He is always hounding with emails of ridiculous suggestions of work I should be applying for. Simply, I know the longer I am out of the school system the longer it is to get back in.

I have no family support here so getting casual work is basically a waste of my time in having to pay for daycare fees.

There was violence even while pregnant but because I didn't report it straight away I had no hard evidence even though the boys saw it all and still talk it about it. When I eventually had enough of the harassment I did apply for a Domestic Violence Order and was given a temporary. However, his response was to make a cross application. It was a total lie in which he also had no evidence but my solicitor at the time told me I would better off asking him to sign an undertaking and I would as well and get rid of that as being just one of the legal problems I was dealing with him. I regret that decision now of course but I have to live with it.

I just want to be able to find work in my field.

I also don't believe the parenting arrangements are suitable for any of the kids. Their father always tells them I lie and bad mouths me to them. He showers them with gifts when he knows I cannot. He never listens to suggested routines that they have the majority of the time in my care. In particular, last year while our daughter was in daycare and me working full time, he ignored her dietary routine while with me and every second week after spending a night with him I was getting calls to pick her up from daycare with a kind of gastro. I asked him constantly about what she being fed but was ignored saying he is capable of fathering without my control.

I had a total of 19 days off without pay in 8 months.

She is now of an age where she is experiencing horrible separation anxiety from her brothers who go to their father for longer periods of time than she. She doesn't eat, she is tense and it breaks my heart. When she does go overnight, on one night a fortnight, she without fail comes home and sleeps in excess of 5 hours the following day.

Please help me, what are my chances of being successful if I apply to relocate for work?

 

[AllForHer]

The kids are young, so to have a meaningful relationship with him, they would need to spend time with him on a regular basis. That's going to be difficult if you relocate. Further to that, you have some resentment toward the other parent, which the father could easily use as ammunition to argue that they kids don't receive support from you in having a relationship with their dad, which means regular time with them is necessary to ensure their relationship with him can continue. The court is not going to put a great deal of weight on your search for employment in a single field if it means the kids' relationship with their dad will be at risk. Why not seek employment in retail or hospitality or admin until you can find a job teaching?

Also, I'm afraid there's something unusual about saying that children who were only two or three at the time of the alleged abuse are still talking about it now. Kids of that age don't have the cognitive ability to remember things that happened that long ago without some prompt from another person.

 

[Meg3]

Of course, I have some resentment but I have no want to keep them from him. He is also a teacher and has a lot of holidays when all the kids would.

My then 3-year-old most certainly asks me from time to time, "why did daddy hurt me with my phone, why did daddy hurt Piper in your belly?" and other similar questions and this is not prompted by me. I used to ignore it and pretend it wasn't asked until I felt they got to an age where I needed to reply with "that behaviour is wrong, we don't do those things to each other, mummy is ok." Granted, it is now getting less and less thankfully for them!

Well, thanks anyway. Looks like I'll retire early as a teacher and still struggle in an expensive place to live due the many wrong doings of someone else. Wow, the law really works for the right people doesn't it.

Extremely unfair to have that control and extremely unfair that what I believe has been blatant negligence and not adhering to any similar routines or diets to the children (at yes such a young age and especially our daughter who he fed soy milk to while still on half breast milk and half formulae because he said his girlfriend said she didn't need my disgusting milk around her any longer) caused me to jeopardise my own employment opportunities while I constantly play sitter for him when he conviently can't have them.

The Orders are a waste of time and money and emotion.

I don't believe any of it ever is truly for the children's best interest as clearly me working and earning a decent wage would definitely be a good start in that.

I am the only one used with his own resentment and bullying. But seems none of that will ever be reason? Just from me because I'm the one wanting to better all our lives.

 

[sammy01]

Re-train. There are some shortages in some sections of the education system. If you are a primary school teacher you are wasting your time looking for work, but if you're science / math / technology / counselling / careers, there are jobs.

So either relocate and hope he doesn't take you to court or take him to court in an application to relocate. It ain't hard. Alternatively, give him the option. Tell him you're going and you'll happily make arrangements for him to have the majority of the holidays with the kids, or offer him primary care and you can have the kids in the holidays.

But if you really want recommendations on how to relocate then just focus on that and to that end get mediation, discuss the options. By the sounds of things, he doesn't want to be the primary carer based on your assertions that he is such a bad dad. Give him the option - take primary care or accept less time with the kids. If that doesn't work, then apply to court....

So give us more info, do you have court orders? If you do, what sort of care arrangements do they provide? To what extent have they been adhered to and if they have not been adhered to then, why not?

 

[AllForHer]

If you don't have orders about where you can live, then you can move, but if the dad takes you back to court for doing so, the court might order you and the kids to return, or it might order the kids live with the father, or it might allow the relocation. Based on the information you've provided, I would argue the last option is the least viable.

 

[Meg3]

Well, it's a little hard to go into detail of the completely disgusting going-ons and behaviours and emotional abuse, but I've been down that road and the legal system failed me there as well so, yes, you are right.

No good even worrying about any of that and just take it. So instead of me asking for help in such a uninviting or helpful forum, I'll keep living by borrowing off my family? How dare you make assumptions about my intelligence. I'm frustrated, yes, I'm not scorned and I certainly have no desire to want that relationship back. I simply want to earn a decent living for my family and I doing what I have already trained very hard for and built experience with.

Yes, there are orders. Not adhered to very well and used and manipulated often. He knows I would rather have the kids be with me than be babysat often, but then continually puts me down if I dare ask for compensation of any kind because I struggle to actually feed is all on my tight budget.

The stepmother has told me directly she would rather my children not be around so often as she has older children and no care to look after younger children again. She has even called me for help with their relationship!

Rant is not a word I would use, but thanks anyway for your kind words. I don't doubt his girlfriend didn't say that but was his version to me in spite. Whatever the case, the child's health was compromised and I was constantly at the doctor's fearing something was very wrong with her until it came out what she had been fed.

I can't believe that someone can get away with what he has and because he began a new relationship before even the birth of our daughter and now is able to use that as leverage as to why I can't relocate with the children.

 

[AllForHer]

His relationship is not what he will use as leverage to stop you from relocating with the kids. What he will use as leverage is the risk to the kids' relationship with him if you move away with them.

The court cares about just one thing: the children's best interests. It doesn't care about what's best for you or what's best for the father. It only cares about what's best for the kids, and one of the principles the court goes by is the kids' rights to have a relationship with both parents. Given their ages, they're not going to be able to do that if they're only seeing their father a couple times a year, are they? Further to that, it will cause them emotional distress to go from seeing their father often to hardly seeing him at all, just the same as it would cause them emotional distress if they went from seeing you often to hardly seeing you at all.

These are valid arguments the father could successfully bring to the court. The desire to find work as a teacher in a different area isn't a compelling reason to move children of such tender ages away from their dad, and realistically, you haven't listed any compelling reasons about why they shouldn't simply live with him so you can relocate.

I know you haven't heard what you wanted to, but it would be a waste of money spending thousands on court proceedings and then potentially having to relocate back anyway. Why don't you organise a family dispute resolution conference and talk to the father about your situation? Why not ask if the kids can live with him for six months until you find work? Have you talked to DHS about getting support of some kind?

 

[Meg3]

I've attempted mediation and I've attempted talking directly to him. He laughs in my face. It's not completely that I want to move to work as a teacher, it's just that is my qualifications and there is not any work in my location at present.

Why should I have to jeopardise my career and earn a lesser wage where the living expenses are so high and it's hardly worth working at all for me when having to pay daycare costs? I've done all the figures over and over and then again. Even supply work as a teacher is not viable as I would have to secure permanent days of care to allow to attend positions when getting a call the morning of. I don't have family support to rely on free care for them. At the moment, I am doing admin work from home which is flexible and no outside care required.

However for the 10 hours a week I'm doing, my parenting payment is being taxed just as much! It's a no-win situation. Part-time secondary teaching work is just as bad as it means I could be working still across 5 days due to timetabling and school rosters. My wage would be again soaked up by daycare costs.

I do understand everything you are saying. I just don't see that it's right. When he can and is able to see them for holiday periods and altogether rather than splitting our youngest from her brother so often. If anything is in their best interest, I would have though kept them together but he's not interested in that at all because, of his own admission, it would ruin his new relationship. The boys don't understand why their sister doesn't go with them all the time.

I think you're right it's useless and I'll have to stay living off my family for financial support for a long time to come.

 

[Meg3]

You knew I think he just has me so scared because he always bluffs at everything if you try to do this I will do that back... I'm scared of him and his behaviours.
He won't stop until he sees me go down and I have no choice but to ask to take that them. He has actually told me so. I won't risk their lifestyles and if they can have more of a life with him I will have no choice to five them up to his care. It will kill me but that's what I will sacrifice for them. I just hope one day they come to understand. It's an impossible situation and one I don't wish on anyone.

 

[sammy01]

Look there are people here who can give you some reasonable help. And the reason people like me ask questions is because that will help.

So I asked about what the orders stipulate? Why? Well if the orders only provide alternate weekends and no mid-week time, then that would make relocation more viable than if dad had 5 nights a fortnight (but you didn't answer). I asked the extent to which the orders were being followed (you didn't answer). Why do you think I asked that question?

As to the emotional abuse, if it is that bad call DOC's. I'm sure you've done the mandatory notification training for child abuse.

Now guess what, your case sounds remarkably like mine. My ex complained to the police, to DOC's, to the doctor's, even my boss. And don't get me started about Facebook. She complained about the $600 a fortnight I paid in child support. She wanted to relocate. Instead, she left the kids with me and left without them. Good.

So there has been good recommendations, do mediation. It won't work, but it is a requirement. Then apply to court, each case is different and you might win. You might find he choses to agree to let you go with the kids once the threat of court becomes a reality. Who knows. But you can represent yourself. See how you go or don't. It is up to you.