NSW Consent Orders - Chances of Relocation with Daughter?

[AllForHer]

I'm going to chime back in here and tell you the things I would pick up on if I were a Judge observing this case.

1. First post: My ex & I have a 5-year-old daughter. We separated when she was 12 months old, and for 4 and a half years, he had very little to do with her
2. Latest post: My daughter does go to him for his 4 nights a fortnight, half holidays, Christmas holidays with alternate weeks.

That's not a father who has had 'very little to do' with his daughter. That's a very involved father, and your daughter is lucky to have one who has never given up the fight, regardless of the anger you still hold toward your ex following your separation, as on display in these messages:

1. I have been nothing but civil & reasonable.over 4.5 years he couldn't have given 2 shits about his daughter, but now he has a girlfriend with kids, that's all changed.
2. Sad part is, if he was single & all of this came up & I left he wouldn't even have cared.
3. Now that a girlfriend is in the picture, it's not on.

Even if she does motivate your ex to see his daughter more, so what? If you had any insight about your daughter's emotional needs, you'd be rejoicing because it looks like she might now get to enjoy having a meaningful relationship with her father.

But then, there's also two sides to every story, isn't there? I'm a 'girlfriend', and I really have no hesitation in taking credit for how much my now-husband sees his daughter, and I'm sure you can only imagine how infuriating that was for his ex-wife, but the reality is that it wasn't me who pushed him to see her more. He always wanted to see her more. The problem, however, was his ex-wife, whose idea of 'reasonable and civil and never withholding the child' was imposing totally untenable conditions on how and when he could spend time with his daughter.

See, if you 'allow' the child to see her dad, but impose strict conditions on how that time together should happen, you're not being reasonable, and most certainly in our circumstances, the Court agrees.

Your capacity to be reasonable is questionable, as follows:

1. Earlier post: we had consent orders done up which he has signed but I have not, therefore, they are not in effect but he does not know this
2. More recent post: I want him to honour that & let them have this holiday together as my little girl has been looking forward to it since we agreed upon it.

I am sure I don't need to highlight how hypocritical that makes you look? The Court doesn't like parents with double standards. In one case, a woman complained that her son would be at risk if he spent time with the father because he owned and lived above a gym.

In response, the father tendered evidence of images from the mother's Instagram account, which showed herself carrying the child while working out on gym equipment. The Court was none too pleased about that, so what makes you think it's okay for you to shirk your agreement, but it's not okay for your ex to do the same based on something allegedly agreed in mediation?

However, the most alarming thing in your posts is this:

• My biggest worry is my child & how not having my family around is going to affect her.

You seem painfully ignorant to the glaring problem a statement like this poses for you, so I'll speak plainly: your biggest worry should be your child and how not having her father around is going to affect her.

See, the Court can and frequently has reversed living arrangements where a parent has been found unable to recognise the importance of a child's relationship with the other parent, and I think that is a real risk for you. I can't see how the Court would agree that you're capable of ensuring the child can still enjoy a meaningful relationship with her father even if you do relocate, when you forcefully insist that the child's time with grandma over the school holidays is more important than her time with father.

You encountered a conflict between time with dad vs time with grandma, and you nominated time with grandma as the priority, but the Court is going to tell you that you made the wrong call. For perspective about who the Court thinks is the most important people in a child's life, a grandparent would never be granted four nights a fortnight, half holidays and 50/50 over Christmas like your daughter's father has now, yet you would be asking the Court to agree that an entire school holiday period is more important to the child than spending time with her dad.

I think you lack insight about what's important to your daughter's well-being. I, for one, loved all of my grandparents dearly, but none of them could ever come anywhere closer to being a replacement for the relationship I share with my father.

 

[sammy01]

Yup totally agree...

So the horse has bolted as far as these holidays go. Lessons for next time. Learn to compromise. Realise that the best result is when no one wins or when everyone wins. You have won this one. He has lost. Now it is a competition that is best avoided.

Story time.

My ex once wrote to me suggesting that we follow her preferred Christmas holiday schedule because it halves the amount of disruptions. She was right, it suited her and it caused me all sorts of disruptions. So the disruptions were halved as in only one of us copped the interruptions. Me. Sound fair? Nope.

So while I agree with allforher, I reckon it is better to look for solutions on a site like this. So here is my solution for next time: Write to the ex, say you wanna go see relatives in QLD but it is a long way to travel for just one week, so would he mind if you took the kid and maybe he could have extra weekends to make up time?

What if he says no? Deal with it. Suck it up.

Option 2: Write to ex the same deal, but suggest that you take the kid out of school a week early. Kid misses a week of school but gets two weeks with Granny and still gets a week with dad. (gee I like that one).

My kids miss about 12 school days a year due to visits to their mum. Nope, it isn't great for their education but if one of my kids fails to meet their full potential because of 12 days a year, well that is my poor parenting. But it provides them with a bit more time with their mum and I reckon it is worth it...

So maybe the horse has not bolted. I reckon you ought to write to the ex. Say sorry. Yep go on, dare you. Why? Well if I'm right, dad had half of the last holidays, right? Even if I'm wrong - you have agreed to half holidays even if you have not signed the orders...and I'm guessing your 5-year-old has just started school. So really this is only the second set of school holidays this child has had.

Anyways, I reckon he has good reasons to be pissed off with you. Even if you don't see it. So say sorry. Then offer him an opportunity to consider what you could do to rectify it. You could maybe suggest that the kid spend a school week with dad to compensate him for the time lost? So go get a spoon, sit down eat the humble pie and write the letter.

Now here is another reason to apologise. You have stuffed him around He had every reason to expect to see the kid because you have agreed, you even agreed to have it written up. So with that in mind he might have taken time off work booked accommodation planned a holiday. Maybe he didn't but he was entitled to and you have stuffed that up. Or let's look at this another way. What say one holidays he chooses not to return the kid for the second week of the holidays and chooses to keep the kid for all the holidays. How would you go with that one?

Now here is my thinking...kill him with kindness.

Story time: I'm not religious, but at one point I sought advice from a priest. My ex had a crazy idea to rip off me through child support and get more family tax benefit. I did some research and I worked out that her scam wasn't gonna work. Now I could have kept quiet, but I took the priest's advice. I told her, nope. I wrote to her, I provided a link to the child support website that showed the rules, I provided her with their phone number so she could call up and check for herself.

Now in typical ex style she chose to take my assistance as a good reason to tell me to f**k off one more time. She then ignored me. Guess what, her scam failed and she verbally abused me again. She's a real piece of work.

So the kids picked up on all of her craziness - They noticed how one parent at changeovers gave them hugs and kisses and the other parent spent her time telling me off. The kids have worked out for themselves that one parent loves them enough to pretend to 'like' the other parent and they appreciate my effort.

Story time chapter 2: Shortly after that debacle, I get a letter in the mail. It was from a solicitor. The 4th or 5th solicitor my ex has hired to represent her. In the letter, the solicitor explains that the ex is going to move 7 hours away and she is gonna take the kids. The letter then goes on to explain that I could fight this in court but I will lose so I should just accept it. Letter continues to explain that I had been abusive and violent both during the relationship and after it and in the event that I refuse to give consent for relocation the ex would take me to court and a magistrate will grant her permission to leave because the ex needs to move away from me so that she isn't exposed to more abuse and violence.

WTF? So I write back to the solicitor. Tell him I'm not agreeing to relocation and I have never been abusive or violent and I'm prepared to provide copies of all the emails where I suggest we try to work amicably in the best interests of the kids and all the emails / text messages, etc., where the ex has sworn at me / abused me / threatened me. I also asked the solicitor to provide me with some examples of my abuse / violence.

Guess what...The ex never took me to court and eventually she left town and I'm now the primary carer. So that little stunt cost her probably $2000 in legal fees and achieved nothing. But as far as your chances of relocating...your best bet? Be nice because you have already provided a magistrate with evidence that you're not prepared to prioritise the child's relationship with the father, so you have damaged your case for relocation.

If dad is as useless as you've made out, then eventually, he will stop taking the child and once he fails to comply with the orders and his time with the child dwindles away, then you've got a case for relocation.

But I hope dad continues to take the kid for 4 nights a fortnight and I hope that you do everything to make it work because then you're being a good parent. Oh and I hope in a year or two, he suggests 50/50 care and you agree.

Why? Well, I reckon 4 a fortnight is heaps more disruptive than 50/50. Most 4 a fortnights consist of some weekend time and one or two nights mid week. When I had 4 a fortnight, there were 6 change overs. So 6 times for things to get left behind / forgotten / lost. 6 times for the kids to see their mum abuse me, etc. 50/50 means 2 changeovers a fortnight. Much better.

Rant over.