WA Advice on ex partner travelling interstate with children.

[AJMay]

Thanks in advance for any advice.

In a nutshell, after a separation once parenting orders are done, do I have to allow my ex partner to travel interstate (1800km away ) with the children for access? The ex in question is an abusive alcoholic, hence the separation.

I'm in the throes of separating and im certain my ex partner will relocate to a rural remote part of Australia where he has family. He will expect that I give the two children (a baby 9 months old and a 5 year old) to him for 3-4 weeks a year for access.

I don't want to make a giant post but I have grave concearns for the safety of the children should this occur. I know they'd be left with other family members to be looked after, there would be family gatherings with alcohol as well as other safety issues (they chastise me for putting kids in car seats, they would leave the children in a hot car to run into a shop, they let the children ride quad bikes with no helmets - all of these things observed by me). There are also family members on the premises who take drugs, one has an assult charge. He would also insist on driving them all that way, not flying. My time spent at these locations, we've gone on holidays, gave me grave concearns for the welfare of my kids if I'm not around.

I'd never restrict access to the children's father, but do I have to grant access to him to take them interstate? If he remains local, I won't restrict access, though id probably be cautious with overnight visits because of the alcohol factor.

Also, if he does plan to only see them once or twice a year, the youngest would essentially be going with someone they don't know well. I'm also concearned my daughter may well not want to go with him, they've never been separated from me.

What options would I have in this situation? I absolutely want the children to have a relationship with their father, but he is choosing to relocate a long way away. Do I have to accomodate that?

Thank you!

 

[Migz]

"In a nutshell, after a separation once parenting orders are done"....are parenting orders already done?

 

[AJMay]

Sorry should have been clearer, no they are not done. Just at the beginning of the process so I guess my question is whether I can question his access in this?

He's told me he'll fight with a lawyer to have them in his home with his family 1 month of the year and that I won't be able to stop him.

 

[Migz]

Well you can stop him in a heart beat... ask that both parties submit to random drug and alcohol tests, 4 per year as a maximum with the cost born by the parent requesting it. Seek a hair Follicle Drug Test and a Hair Follicle Etg Alcohol test, and a CDT Blood Test...

 

[sammy01]

slow down pony... go make a nice cuppa and realise you're not gonna like much of what I've written. But realise this, I've spent time writing it and it is well intentioned advice.

My concerns? "In a nutshell, after a separation once parenting orders are done, do I have to allow my ex partner to travel interstate (1800km away ) with the children for access? "

So just checking - once you have parenting orders? so assuming those orders stipulate the kids spend a few weeks with dad then HELL YES you do have to comply with those orders. They are ORDERS and it is pretty reasonable for the kids to spend half school holidays with dad if he lives 1800km away. I have real concerns here. You say some nice things like I'd never stop the kids seeing dad. BUT Then make a buch of excuses and lame what if's.... Are you sure he would insist on driving? not flying? sorry but can you be sure? and if he wants to spend all that time with the kids in his car, well he is a fool, but it is his choice.... I have to do 300km with my kids so they can see the other parent and I hate it.

so lets pull apart your lame excuses. Did I mention my advice is well intentioned? it really is. Go get mad at me, scream and yell - but it doesn't change the fact that the excuses are lame. Lets test my theory.

"Looked after by family members"? GOOD kids should have relationships iwth the extended family. Don't normal people leave their kids with Granny, or uncle Kevin occasionally. Perfectly normal.

"Gatherings with alcohol" - a legal drug in this country. So you've got nothing so far...

"Quad bikes" - sounds like fun... (btw I do know they are dangerous - but they are a legal product)

"car seats and hot cars" Yep you've got me on that one... BAD PARENTING.

"Family members that take drugs and have assault charges" - Do they sell drugs to kids? was the assault on your kid? NO - right, so not relevant.

"Insist on driving, not flying" - Ok, so you offer to pay the airfares... See isn't this easy, all these problems and I'm solving them for you one by one.

"I'd never restrict access to the children's father". I disagree, you've got a whole bunch of bogus excuses that I'm pulling apart.

"The alcohol factor" "stay local"? Do you live in a place that doesn't sell alcohol? nope, didn't think so. So what is to stop him picking the kids up for what ever access you'll grant only to take the kids straight to the pub? AND until dad has an established history - as in caught a few times drink driving, nope passed out at the wheel with the kids in the car, that sort of established history, then in family law you've got nothing other than unsubstatiated accusations.

" the youngest would essentially be going with someone they don't know well". chi ching. This is the only valid point. It is a big one. A nine month old isn't gonna be sent away from the primary carer for a week at a time. Maybe at the age of 3. But not any earlier... I'll get back to this one in a bit.

"I'm also concearned my daughter may well not want to go with him, they've never been separated from me.". This is a reasonable concern. But not an excuse for refusing to send the kids 1800km away. So making sure stuff like facetime / phone calls happen weekly so the child knows dad is just one strategy that can aleviate the child's anxieties about being away from mum.

"What options would I have in this situation? I absolutely want the children to have a relationship with their father, but he is choosing to relocate a long way away. Do I have to accomodate that?"
Good questions. Options? Do everything you can to stop the kids seeing dad. If he moves away (even if he doesn't) you can do all you can to stop the kids seeing dad. Dad can take you to court, have orders made, you can refuse to comply, dad can take you back to court. Eventually the courts might fine you a few grand, they have the capacity to put you in jail (but rarely do) BUT for that fine of a few grand dad will have spent 10s of thousands, MAYBE $100 000 in legal fees and in all likelyhood will give up because it is all too hard.

OR you can work with dad - btw as noted above most of your concerns are valid, reasons to worry, but not reasons to refuse access. You didn't say dad did drugs, has been convicted of child abuse? true.

If he chooses to relocate you have two choices - accomodate it, let the kids spend time with dad.... OR dont make it impossible. Choice is yours.

Final thought - If you told us the kids were 6 and 8 I'd have torn you apart for listing a whole bunch of lame excuses (btw they are lame excuses and none of what you wrote would be grounds to stop the kids travelling 1800 a few times a year to see their dad and none of it would hold up in court as a reason to prevent dad taking the kids to his home town).

so what is reasonable? MY OPINION...
For the next 2 yrs dad travels, has 5 yr old overnight sometimes and by the time the baby is 2 bub can go overnight too. If dad manages that a few times a year then...
in 3 years when bub is nearly 4 - 4-5 nights a few times a year.
AND IN 4 years half school holidays and the occasional weekend visit BUT only if dad travels to your location.
cheers

 

[AJMay]

Thanks for your advice.

I didn't mention all things obviously. I called the police in said ex 2 years ago because he was becoming violent when drunk. A month ago he came home drunk at 2am, tried to come into the bedroom where I had the children, turned the lights on because he wanted them to get up and play. Tried to aggressively block the door while I tried to leave with the baby in my arms.

The family members regularly have drunken gatherings and they smoke pot around the children. There would very easily be a setting where every person is drunk, and no responsible adult to look after a child. I know because I've been in such situations and I've been the only sober adult, and I've looked after my own children, as well as others. They've woken crying in a cot and a drunk person has picked them up. The family in question, leave their own kids in a house, alone (from 12 months old in a cot) to go up the road to the shops.

I'm not another man hating bitter ex. Myself, and others who know the situation have grave concerns for my children's safety in the hands of my ex, and his family.

On a visit I left the children at the property to duck out. I came back and they didn't even know my then 3 year old was missing. I frantically found her 150m away in a shed of rusting tractors, she had scaled one and walked through broken glass. Too far away for them to even hear her.

Thanks for the advice thoigh. Seems I need. A very decent lawyer so I'll get onto that.