NSW Absent father rights

[Jessicaag]

Hi I’m just after advise as to what to do..
In short my child’s father last saw her aged 6weeks his choosing she’s now 10 and 11 in March she’s A very mature smart girl.
She has been raised by myself and my partner since she was 6 months old.
Now I have just received mediation papers in the mail from her biological father what steps should we take? We did mediation when she was 6 months old and he pulled out and I was awarded the 60i certificate but never took it to court.
He also made contact with me in 2016 saying he now realises after having another child what he has missed out on I went to solicitor and forwarded him their adresss thinking he would forward something but never.

 

[Atticus]

Now I have just received mediation papers in the mail from her biological father what steps should we take?

You should agree to attend mediation & see what he is proposing... A professional independent mediator is the least expensive, & least formal venue to exchange thoughts & hopefully find some common ground

He also made contact with me in 2016 saying he now realises after having another child what he has missed out on I went to solicitor and forwarded him their adresss thinking he would forward something but never.

Doing this kind of thing via solicitors is expensive (maybe why he didn't respond) impersonal & not necessary... Not until you have an initial meeting to see what he is proposing anyway

 

[Tremaine]

Meet with him at mediation.

Yes, we could talk legal logistics, like how fathers don’t have legal rights, neither do mothers. The only party with rights is the child, who had a right to know, spend time and communicate with both parents and other significant family members on a regular basis (60B Family Law Act).

But forget that and just think about your kid.

She has a sibling. Maybe she wants to know who that sibling is, or maybe she doesn’t, who knows? Same with her dad, maybe she wants a relationship with him, maybe she doesn’t, who knows? But if there’s no risk to her safety, there’s no harm in giving her the opportunity so she can make up her mind about her dad and sibling for herself, no?

 

[Jessicaag]

Yes I’ll be going to mediation again,
I think I’m just frustrated with the fact I tried VERY hard for him to have a relationship with her..
Yet it took him 11 years to realise when now she’s now voiced she didn’t want to meet him she’s 11 how do I make her ? I can’t exactly carry her she’s near the same size as me

 

[Jessicaag]

I also hope he didn’t expect us to travel to him last I knew we lived hours from him we never moved her did we are rural

 

[Scruff]

she’s now voiced she didn’t want to meet him she’s 11 how do I make her ?

You need to explain to her that she doesn't have any say in this. If she refuses, the matter will likely end up before a court and once orders are made, it will be the responsibility of both parents to ensure that the orders are complied with.

So in short, explain that if she doesn't cooperate, it will end up costing you thousands of dollars in legal costs and a court will order visitation anyway. At 11 years old, you shouldn't be listening to what she "wants" - you need to do what is in everyone's best interests, including hers.

 

[Atticus]

Yes I’ll be going to mediation again,
I think I’m just frustrated with the fact I tried VERY hard for him to have a relationship with her..

Can understand your frustration, & it may well be warranted, BUT, people do change. For whatever reason he is now reaching out which is what you have wanted in the past so it shouldn't be too hard to find some middle ground to build on

t took him 11 years to realise when now she’s now voiced she didn’t want to meet him she’s 11 how do I make her ?

At this stage, it should probably be kept to yourself until you meet in mediation & hear what dad has to say.... It can be explained to him the situation, ie, given the time that has passed & her age, any contact would almost certainly need to be with you present, & for as long as that takes for her to feel okay.... I think that's the price for not seeing your kid for so long. trust & respect have to be earned.

I doubt dad will want to drag you through court to compel contact, & to be honest, by the time orders were handed down your daughter would be 13 or so... Time & circumstance would not be on his side in this case.

 

[Patrick Earl]

In any family law matter there will be a number of different voices giving you advice.


Your family and your friends may give you the same advice or there can be wild variation in what they tell you.


As a lawyer I can tell you a few things. And I shortly will.


Issues around parenting and reintroducing children to parents who have been distant are never easy and you should look to professional help (people like child psychologists, Counsellors and so on) for both you and your child to deal help deal with the human aspects of those issues. These matters are hard and it is okay (and in fact sensible) to talk to people with skills in addressing them.


You have to balance being protective of your child and supportive of their right to know the other parent. You have to balance the hope that the other parent has changed and maybe will make things better overall for your child with the fear that all you will do is build up your child’s hopes and dreams for nothing.


We don’t talk in family law about custody and access or residence and contact anymore. We talk about children’s rights. The child has the right to know both parents as long as it’s safe.


From the strictly legal side, the courts are going to want your child to get to know the other parent. Even if it means learning that the other parent has failings. It is important for a child, as they grow, to understand where they come from as they try to work out who they are.


Having said that, it is normal to “start small and build up”, so that the experience is not overwhelming for the child. You might start with letters, photos, videos, telephone calls, videocalls, skype and so on before physically spending time with the other parent.


It is okay to want that parent who now says they wish to be part of your child’s life, to build up that involvement.


It would be wise to have someone who is not either parent keeping an eye on how things are progressing because your child may not feel comfortable telling either parent how they feel. Plus children are famous for saying what they think the parent wants to hear because that’s how children work.


If he has asked to go to mediation I would go to mediation. Give him a chance to say his piece. Give him a chance to try to convince you that he has changed.


Once upon a time the two of you were close enough to have a child. Maybe you can work thing out now.


But do your homework and be prepared and talk to experts about what is a good plan your child so that something in place that is more likely to work.


Remember that a mediation is a discussion where you try to come to an agreement. The mediator can’t force you to do anything. It’s about sitting down and talking things through.

Patrick Earl
Senior Solicitor
ADS Law