COVID and the legality/ethics of isolation

[sammy01]

Ok, so... I agree. "She knew damed well...." AND she is right. She knew she could win this one and even of all the evidence was scrutinized by a judge (I reckon she'd win) but. Hell let's say she didn't. She offered make up time.

She's playing you and after 6 pages on this thread and christ knows how many hours you've spent podering this - she has played you well. YOU GOT PLAYED... The more you fight, the worse it gets. Camomile tea and a serious re-think of your strategy...

 

[GlassHalfFull]

The thing is, I'd like to think that a judge would do more than just provide the same make up time that she was offering and call it a day. I'd like to think a judge would see her antics for what they are: the continuation of power games to try to control me and my relationship with the children that she plays. While I'm sure a judge would look at the time lost and the time that was (mostly) gained back and think to themselves "this is very minor contravention in the scheme of things", I'd like to think that they would also recognise that even when it's a relatively minor contravention, all parenting orders are to be followed regardless - parents can't elect to pick and choose when they follow the orders on the assumption that it's too minor to be pursued.

And assuming I did win, it would hopefully serve as a shot across the bow for my ex, and be recorded as a legitimate contravention in case any future stunts get pulled like that in future. If I just stay silent on this and all the other little contraventions she's likely to pull on me over the coming years, it becomes harder to then say "she's been doing this for years, there's a pattern of behaviour that is more significant than this one event" because by then it'll be harder to prove, and they'd probably ask the valid question "if she really has been doing all this, why haven't you raised it until now?".

 

[Atticus]

I think if you are going to have to put up or shut up to progress this. If you are going to go for a contravention then you are probably better off listing them all from way back to show a pattern & in this latest withhold, argue that she withheld longer than necessary to protect health & safety. Still going to be a stack of work & time & there may be no consequences for her at the end of it.

Said it before. It sucks.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

I’ve been separated nearly 4 years now and there is a lot of regret in how emotional some of my own responses have been; there are just some things we have to let go of and I think this might be one of those for you.

Yeah I get that. In fact I've for some time been trying to thaw our relations over the last few years myself. That's the funny thing about it all now. She's clearly bitter and twisted about when we were together and the separation and finds it hard to let that go.

Given what she did to me at separation especially (IVO, false allegations of abusing my daughter, having no choice but to spend years in family court to defend myself or else effectively lose my relationship with the children entirely etc), I'm at peace with that side of things. I just want to move on and generally try to treat her with respect and decency. For me, the issue isn't the distant past, I'm upset with how I'm being treated by her now, and the fact that there's been no improvement in that. I don't expect her to be my friend, but I do expect that my role as our children's parent be treated more respectfully by her.

It's hard to completely detach emotions from our dealings with our ex. I understand that. But if I were to 'just let go' of issues like this (and all the others), it would only demonstrate that I'm prepared to put up with being treated like a second class parent and that she has the power over me. That she has the power to decide when I can and can't see the children. That in order to take the high moral ground and not let it get to me, I have to allow that to happen even when there's a good chance that this sort of narcissism (and yes I know that word gets thrown around a lot in family law, but honestly she is narcissistic IMO) will end up hurting the kids.

 

[Rod]

... expect that my role as our children's parent be treated more respectfully by her.

There's your problem.

Let go of the expectation and all will be much better.

Kids are generally tough little buggers unless one or both parents mess them up (notes that sometimes the group they socialise with can be the issue).

Just keep being there for your kids, let them know constantly you love them, and that regardless of what happens between you and their mother you still love them.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

Yeah you're right Rod. One day they will (I hope) be smart enough to figure out for themselves what's true and what's not. But I do worry that she is messing them up in subtle ways. I'm constantly having to de-program silly little ideas that she's planted in their heads. I've re-partnered and have a step-son. We're getting married later this year. She's been telling them (they're 3 and just turned 6, impressionable and wanting to please their mum) that step-mothers aren't real, that their step-brother isn't really their brother, that they don't have two homes, they only have her home and they 'visit' me. That the food I provide them isn't healthy enough. That the car seat they're sitting on in my car isn't safe. That she doesn't like the clothes I dress them in. Etc. And then they come over to me and start repeating it all to me. The 3 year old has at times refused to wear the clothes we have at my house because 'mum doesn't like your clothes, I want to wear her clothes'. It's not quite at alienation stage, but it's well and truly denigration, and we have parenting orders requiring us to not denigrate the other. It all adds up Rod, and I really have no idea how it's going to affect the kids in the long term.