NSW Parenting plan when mediation hasn't been attended

[lizzle]

Hi,
I have searched through the forums and can't find any information specific to my situation.

Brief summary;
Emotional and financially abusive relationship but never physical
Neglectful parenting on his behalf during the relationship
Has refused mediation and a certificate has been issued.
Refusal to acknowledge child's psychological issues, even though I have the medical records stating such - Severe anxiety, PSTD from his behavior. She is currently medicated.
After visitation, one child was locked in the car as a form of punishment (4 years old) the other told her issues were in her head (9 years old). As such, she attempted self harm (non life threatening however documented with an emergency visit)
Visitation has ceased due to concerns above, as well as lack of hygiene (no showers for 3 days), a hairdresser visit due to knots in 4 year old's hair, continually coming home hungry having only consumed dorritos during the course of the day.
I am not opposed to him seeing the children as I do feel he loves them but I feel he needs to attend at minimum a parenting class and/or advised appropriate behavior.
I don't want to go to court but feel there is no option as he has refused mediation (stated I would bring up the above if we go??!) however, believe he will turn up to court as a form of control.
I don't know how to approach this. Do I approach the parenting orders with the intention of him seeing them? I understand court rarely denies access to a parent but I am also extremely worried about my children's mental well being.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

Although as a father who has been screwed by a vindictive ex who has done everything she could do to exclude me from my childrens' lives (without good reason IMO), I have a somewhat biased position against withholding the children (unless it's genuinely vital for the health and wellbeing of the children). But it sounds like there's not a lot you can do to force the issue unless you do initiate court proceedings OR you withhold the children from him until he attends a parenting class/improves his parenting. Although it's not a 'nice' thing to do, it would be effective and you would not be breaking any law by doing so since there are no parenting orders that prescribes that either party must have time with the children. Likewise he could do the same if he were that way inclined. That's the nature of parenting prior to court orders getting involved!

He would of course have the option to initiate family law proceedings against you to regain access to the children though, and it may or may not look unfavourably on you by the court if they find that your reasons for withholding were not valid. So it's a bit of a gamble and you'd probably be better off getting professional legal advice before doing anything. But I think they're probably your two options to force a change if he's unwilling to do mediation. Regardless of who initiates court proceedings though, mediation will still have to be attempted. Neither side is obliged to attend, but you still have to go through the process and attempt it. Only then will the court allow you either party to file.

 

[lizzle]

Thanks Glasshalffull. That was my expected response. I completely understand that bias attitude because there are terrible parents out there that keep children away for no valid reason and have seen it with my own eyes. In this case, I genuinely want him to be a part of the children's life despite the constant harassment and emotional blackmail he puts on me because this has nothing to do with him as a parent. In his case though, I feel the children are not safe. I have had police advice as well as my daughter's psychologist report indicating she has pstd from the domestic violence. He will constantly tell her her anxiety is all in her head. My problem is as soon as he sees them, the children's mental health suffers for at least 4 days afterwards where one child refuses to go to school without a major fight (school has been very helpful) and the 4 year is very, very angry. Right now, the mental health of them is more important to me but I honestly want them to have a relationship with their father but after loosing my sister to mental health, I definitely have a heighten awareness to my children's mental health.
Thank you for your advice, it's very helpful and I will take it on board. I did have another email last night advising he will not attend court or mediation so don't bother. I think my only option is to get it documented and request he does have access to them and suggest the parental course that I have already attended and he declined. I also want them to have a relationship with his parents as they are great people. Thanks again.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

Given what you've told me and his reluctance to even attend mediation, you may have grounds for a family violence order (AVO in NSW) with the children named on it. You could ask the police about it, or you could go to court and get one yourself (although then you may need to pay for representation if he chooses to fight it - that could take months or years though). The only problem with them is that once you get one, it's not easy to cancel it, and if you then have a change of heart and want to let him see the children, he could be committing a criminal offence, particularly if he does something that could be considered violent (once you have an AVO, it is trivially easy to breach it if you are hot-headed and not very careful with your emotions). It therefore really ratchets up the tension and consequences.

It sounds like, unlike many parents here, you actually do want your children to have a relationship with their father, you just want it to be safe and healthy. I completely understand that. That does make decisions more complicated though, because really your main options to deal with the problem have the consequence of restricting him. If you got an AVO, you could insist that he only sees the children at an official contact centre or agency for example (although private supervision agencies cost in the region of $100 per hour, which I'm guessing he won't be at all keen on!! and who could blame him), and you would have the power to stipulate the conditions under which he sees the children and for how long. It's also my understanding (although I'm not sure of the technicalities) that you could allow his parents to spend time with the children with the understanding that he would not be allowed to be there, unless a nominated supervisor is present. You could nominate someone you trust to act as the supervisor to monitor his relationship and actions with the children. It's probably not a great idea that the supervisor is you because it sounds like he may not respect your authority, and it's probably not going to be good for anyone for you to be seen as bossing him around or controlling things in front of the kids. An independent supervisor (family friend or similar) would probably be better. These are just ideas that could work.

But it sounds like if he's not actually that keen in the first place, that may just push him away. Ultimately you can't force people to change. It sounds like you're within your rights to do what you need to do to look after your children though. All you can do is hope that by taking action, he will value his relationship with the kids enough to take steps to address things. I have an awful feeling that he may not though, but as I don't know either of you, I can only guess. I do think on reflection that the AVO, along with putting in place some kind of supervision regime could be the best option initially. If it doesn't work, I think you'd have to take the matter to court, or withhold the children and invite him to take it to court. If he makes threats to you as a result, you'd probably need an AVO anyway, so my gut feeling is start with that. Just my opinion!

 

[Jake Matherson]

Just adding this for anyone reading along.

Cheap contact centre with a waiting list of +6 months $80-$100 per hour

Contact centre with minimal wait list. (1-2 weeks)
$170 intake session (each parent)
$150 per hour for a visit.

 

[GlassHalfFull]

When I had supervision (2019), it was $75 per hour with no waiting lists (1-2 weeks) although it wasn't at a contact centre. They came to you or a nominated location which gave you a bit more flexibility. I suppose some of the operating costs in $150/hr include the specialised venue for contact visits. I suppose I was lucky. Thankfully that is long behind me now.