QLD Mediation Certificate Expiry - What to Do?

[Clair Unknown]

I've done mediation with the father of my kids about 14/15 months ago. We came up with a parenting plan however at the time he refused to sign it and I got legal advice and was advised to reconsider a few points. He refused to re-negotiate so it was all left alone.

At the time of ending the last mediation session via the phone services, the lady asked if either of us wanted the certificate to say we had participated in mediation should we wish to take the matter to family court. The other party said yes. I said no.

Apparently he is now in the process of wanting to take me to court. I am wondering if he can still take me straight to court or if we have to start the mediation process again? I was under the impression the certificate was only valid for 12 months?

My second question - if he goes through a private mediator and I can't afford the cost, what do I do? I'm happy to do mediation again but i cant afford the prices some of them offer.

 

[AllForHer]

Certificates are only valid for 12 months, so unless he has a very good reason for avoiding mediation, he will have to do it again.

Regarding mediation costs, you won't be forced to pay a private mediator that you have not agreed to fund. However, in the event mediation is sought again, I would suggest advising that you are not agreeable to funding private mediation but would be happy to mediate through Legal Aid or Relationships Australia, which both offer more affordable services.

 

[Clair Unknown]

Thank you for your reply AllForHer. I've been advised there is a good chance he might go through a family friend who is a lawyer. Would I be expected to pay fees in regards to mediation done through the law firm? I'm assuming it's the same principal as mediation via Relationships Australia but maybe more pressure is put on me to agree to things that the other party wants and more pressure in general for both of us to come to an agreement.

is there anything i need to keep in mind when doing mediation through a lawyer?

I've noticed that his text messages have gone from non existent and the texts I would get were very rude and demanding to now I'm getting about 5 messages a week asking how I am and how the kids are. He's never asked how I am, and he's being beyond friendly and polite which again isn't how he would have communicated in the past. It's great to see he's finally being nice but I can't help but feel this is to benefit whatever it is that he's planning.

I'm feeling real nervous about everything, I'm never rude to him in my texts but I won't reply when he's combative (this was something that I advised him in previous mediation - that I will not reply to or talk to him when he chooses to ask me personal questions about my life or be augmentative. I will not engage or participate in text wars).

I don't respond to texts that enquire to how I am and so forth. I answer all questions in regards to the kids but I am very point form and direct with the information. For example - a text I sent last week ---- X played soccer on the weekend scored 1 goal and the team won 3/2. X has been sick with a cold but getting better. X is loving daycare and making lots of friends.

 

[AllForHer]

Regarding fees, you can agree to mediate with the condition that the ex pay for it if he wants to use a private firm, or you will pay half if he chooses a more affordable service. If you're concerned about the capacity of the family member to carry out his duty in line with his professional code of conduct, then highlight this concern and advise you are not agreeable to mediation unless a genuinely unbiased mediator is used.

As a side note, you don't have to sign anything at mediation. If you want to get independent advice about the agreement before actually putting your signature on the paper, you are free to do so. My husband was pressured by his ex to sign an agreement at mediation that he wanted an outsider opinion on, and the mediator very quickly stoppered the ex in her tracks.

On communication with your ex, it's a good idea not to respond to personal questions. It's healthy to have boundaries, but it's also good that you're being polite and still trying to be amicable. Even if he is playing games now, you may find that your own conduct will gently influence his conduct in turn, such that this so-called game-playing just becomes the normal behaviour for both of you.

Rather than talking to you, perhaps you could invite him to speak to the kids directly on the phone instead, maybe two or three times a week...?

 

[sammy01]

Maybe you could give us a summary, what are the points of dispute?

So for example If the child is 7 and there is no history of violence, drug abuse and dad is a pretty normal person but you're refusing overnight access - everyone here will tell you that you are in the wrong and a court will say so too...

Look you want to avoid court if at all possible so getting good free independent suggestions here is gonna save you heaps of money and stress...

 

[Clair Unknown]

I share 3 kids with the ex, a 4-year-old and twins that are nearly 2. He refuses to have a relationship with the twins saying they are not his. I've offered to pay for a DNA test, but he refuses to do it. He only wants the 4-year-old.

We lived in Sydney and I moved back to QLD to be with family for support especially with twins. I had his full permission as he decided at that point in his life he needed some alone time and do some things to make himself happy and wasn't going to have an active roll in his kids lives for a period of time (his words), I did at a later date get him to put this in writing. He's now living in Victoria somewhere.

He now wants the 4=year-old to travel down there to spend 3 weeks with him. He hasn't seen the 4-year-old in a bit over a year and the year before that he only saw him twice for 2 days each time.

Skype has been a struggle for the last 10 months as the 4-year-old does not want to talk to him full stop. I've tried everything possible with no luck and unfortunately the father won't work with me when I offer suggestions like reading his fav book or telling him a made up story or talking about things that the child had done, etc. All the dad does is quiz the child about what I do, where do we go, do we do things with other people, etc.

It has got to the point where if I even mention doing Skype or calling dad, or the child seeing the father on Skype. The child cries and cries so (here's the bit where you guys will probably serve me up, but I was at a point where I didn't know what to do anymore). I ceased doing Skype about 4 months ago and try randomly here and there to see if my child is interested with no luck. I still send updates. I try to include my child to tell me things they would want their dad to know and no luck.

I am not comfortable sending my child 1600+ kms away with someone who he really doesn't have a relationship with, I'm more then happy for him to come to QLD and start with day visits and see how the child goes. I don't feel that I'm completely unreasonable to not want to send my child off with someone who he doesn't have a bond with.

He has drug record that has spanned for at least 20 years up until 2 years ago. He was in court for drugs (unsure of the outcome), unsure if there are any new issues. He's been in jail for assault (not against me) and drug related offences. And rumour has he's now in the business of growing, producing and selling drugs. A few of our shared friends have advised me of this.

I'm not wanting to cut him out of our kids lives at all. When he wants to be. he can be a good dad - he's just made some terrible choices in the last few years and put his kids' needs at the bottom of the scrap pile and didn't give a damn about how those choices affected the kids especially the eldest. I just want him to work with me and have him build that relationship/trust up with the kids.

I look forward to your constructive help

 

[sammy01]

Nope not gonna cut u down. Is he paying child support for the twins? Look I think he has more to lose in court than you.

 

[Clair Unknown]

he didnt pay for any of the kids for over a year. then i contact CS and hes been paying for the last 10 months. can you give me any pointers? in your opinion am i doing anything that you think isnt in the best interest of the kids? have i done the wrong this with cutting out skype? i just dont know how else to come to a resolution with him and the way he interacts with the 4yr during this time.

after saying no to the eldest travelling to see him i haven't heard from him in a week, no trying to sort out some kind of other arrangements to see his kids hes just fallen off the face of the earth again. i dont know if i should be reaching out to him or leave it in his court or what. i feel like im just waiting for something to come in the mail or be served with something.

thank you soo much for your time and advise

 

[sammy01]

Do nothing... He seems to be making lots of mistakes for you...
But - He didn't pay child support.... Ok BUT you didn't apply for it... If you wanted him to pay, you needed to do something about it... One point to him...

He is only interested in seeing one kid? Not a good starting point for him... Point to you...

He wont travel to see the kids? BTW check with airlines... I know on international flights they wont let kids fly without an older kid.. I'm in Bali right now, I have to fly back with my young kidsThe airline (Jetstar) would not let them fly unaccompanied.

So there would not be a huge difference in him flying to QLD and visiting vs the cost of flying the child with an adult to supervise the child, especially if you had to take the twins for a rid, that is impractical... his refusal is a point to you...

He could argue you moved away and that made things hard... He moved in the other direction.... So nope - lets call it a draw.
On the whole you're winning...

Advice moving forward.

If you feel it safe, offer him time in the vicinity of where you live. Be reasonable... Be sensible and be mature... Did I mention I'm in Bali.... If not I will a few more times.... So I could have offered the ex free flights over here to pick up the kids. She could have stayed a few nights with them at her expense, but the airfares for her and the kids were on me... I chose not to. Don't trust her, she is a nutter, will miss the flight, stuff me around or she won't, but the stress ain't worth it... I'll fly home next Saturday night, land at 6am. drive 2 hours to meet her, drive back, get on a plane back to bali for another week while the kids are with her.

Bali... Mentioned it right?
Pool side, next bintang is on you for the advice...Kids swimming, supervised by Kutut.

If you feel comfortable / safe etc... Offer to pick him up at the airport... Offer to drop the kids of / pick them up at his hotel, or where ever he stays.
It is insane for you to travel with 4yr old, and infant twins... Ain't gonna happen and NOPE 3 weeks for 4yr old aint a good idea either, not yet...

But your job is to find solutions... Kid won't do skype? Ask kid to sit with you and tell you what he would like to say to dad (BE NICE) what he wants to say to dad, not what you want to say.... there is an app on most devices called 'audacity' it is an audio recording device... I'm a teacher, I use it to send HSC students verbal comments as I read essays etc... But I also get the kids to read out loud and I record it. The older ones (7 and 9) write letters to mum and read them, I then send the audio. 6 yr old gets prompted to tell mum what he has been doing and how school is. The audio ends with my voice telling the children to tell their mum that they love her blah blah blah... I HATE DOING IT. But there is a strategy... 1. There is no way the ex can claim I'm breaching court orders... My orders say I have to let the kids talk to mum when ever they want on the phone... They rarely ask.... That is what kids are like. They see the world in the here and now, they don't think about someone who lives 9 hours away..... But it is a winner because
1. The kids are learning reading and writing skills in a real world context - Did I mention I'm a teacher.....
2. They enjoy it
3. They see dad being nice to the cow... oops I meant ex wife... Not gonna lie to you, no love lost here I hate her. But I am practicing what I preach, I believe in being empathetic...
3.1 I'm in bali..
4. It fixes a problem... See my kids have been told bad things about me... They see me being nice to the person who told them the bad things... Fixes that prob...
5. My fav.. Maybe I'm not as nice as I seem.. I'm rubbing it in her face... The kids tell her how much fun they are having... She hates that... See she dropt them off with me about 3 yrs ago...Told me that in a month I'll be calling her begging for her to take them back... NOPE
6... OOPS i'm ranting... this is a legal forum.... IF she ever tries to withhold the kids, she will be stuffed. See she cant possibly go to court and say I've not provided phone access... OR what ever.. My orders say the kids can contact her through skype / phone or whatever... They rarely ask and she rarely calls... But I send these mp3s of the kids every few months via email... Not a bad bit of evidence if ever needed to show how nice I am. She never replies and I don't care...


Moral to the story.... Do everything you can to appear to be a considerate parent. Look for solutions not excuses. The courts will get it, and it will ultimately help your cause...
HAPPY HOUR in bali... bye bye

 

[SamanthaJay]

Geez Sammy, why is your life so complicated? How come you're taking holidays mid term and when the kids are going to see their mother?

Sorry Clair for butting in.