VIC Breach of Final Orders - What to Do Under Family Law?

[sammy01]

Ok - so 14-year-olds are hardwork. My thoughts, next time you see the kid, ask him. You could also let him know that the orders also provide for him to have more time with his dad if he wants. Based on your wording, the kid can live with dad and never see mum if that is his wish. Madness. But anyways...

But let me be an amateur psychologist for a minute. Tell the kid, let the kid read the orders, tell the kid why you're having the conversation and tell the kid that you don't want him to respond. Tell him you want him to think it through so he has time to make a considered response. In short, be fair on the poor bugger. He might well want to spend time with dad, but then he gets invited out with mates.

At 14, the friendship group matter more than mum and dad. Make sure he knows that you're asking him to show the maturity of a 14-year-old and that this isn't about fighting with mum, etc, it is about trying to sort out a difficult situation. I reckon you might even wanna let him know that if ever he doesn't wanna spend time with mum or dad, then so be it. After all, that is what the court has ordered and that is the responsibility the court has felt reasonable to bestow upon a kid, so it seems reasonable that the conversation be had with the kid...

But - just out of interest, are you sure the orders don't say "and at other time, subject to the wishes of the child"? And could it be an oversight in the orders and that is what it should say? BTW, how old are the orders and are they court orders or consent orders?

 

[Kitkat76]

ok - so 14 year olds are hard work.... My thoughts, next time you see the kid ask him. You could also let him know that the orders also provide for him to have more time with his dad if he wants.... Based on your wording, the kid can live with dad and never see mum if that is his wish. MADNESS.... But anyways...

But let me be an amateur psychologist for a minute. Tell the kid, let the kid read the orders, tell the kid why you're having the conversation and tell the kid that you don't want him to respond. Tell him you want him to think it thru so he has time to make a considered response. In short be fair on the poor bugger. He might well want to spend time with dad, but then he gets invited out with mates. At 14 the friendship group matter more than mum and dad. Make sure he knows that you're asking him to show the maturity of a 14 year old and that this isn't about fighting with mum etc, it is about trying to sort out a difficult situation, I reckon you might even wanna let him know that if ever he doesn't wanna spend time with mum OR dad then so be it after all that is what the court has ordered and that is the responsibility the court has felt reasonable to bestow upon a kid, so it seems reasonable that the conversation be had with the kid...

BUT - just outa interest are you sure the orders don't say AND AT OTHER TIMES subject to the wishes of the child? And could it be an oversight in the orders and that is what it should say? BTW how old are the orders and are they court orders OR consent orders?

Thank you for your help. We do really appreciate it. I do really think the boy and his parents need the support of a psych to sort this out. We've tried not to involve the boy in the orders - partly because his mother talks about parenting matters with him (negatively) and partly because the boy says he wants his mother.

Ok - so 14-year-olds are hardwork. My thoughts, next time you see the kid, ask him. You could also let him know that the orders also provide for him to have more time with his dad if he wants. Based on your wording, the kid can live with dad and never see mum if that is his wish. Madness. But anyways...

But let me be an amateur psychologist for a minute. Tell the kid, let the kid read the orders, tell the kid why you're having the conversation and tell the kid that you don't want him to respond. Tell him you want him to think it through so he has time to make a considered response. In short, be fair on the poor bugger. He might well want to spend time with dad, but then he gets invited out with mates.

At 14, the friendship group matter more than mum and dad. Make sure he knows that you're asking him to show the maturity of a 14-year-old and that this isn't about fighting with mum, etc, it is about trying to sort out a difficult situation. I reckon you might even wanna let him know that if ever he doesn't wanna spend time with mum or dad, then so be it. After all, that is what the court has ordered and that is the responsibility the court has felt reasonable to bestow upon a kid, so it seems reasonable that the conversation be had with the kid...

But - just out of interest, are you sure the orders don't say "and at other time, subject to the wishes of the child"? And could it be an oversight in the orders and that is what it should say? BTW, how old are the orders and are they court orders or consent orders?

Hello and thank you for your help. They are final orders and about 2.5 years old.

I'm sure about the wording - I don't know what the court intended but we are at a stalemate currently. My husband thought it might have only been intended for the then 16-year-old because the younger boy was only just 12 at the time) but it doesn't say that.

It's now been 6 consecutive missed visits.

Mother says "he won't see you, respect his wishes".

Kid says nothing just retreats into silence (he is very averse to any real or perceived confrontation and displays signs of real anxiety).

 

[sammy01]

Book mediation with relationships Australia. It will be cheaper than court.

Do you think it likely that you'll see the kid next school holidays?

 

[Kitkat76]

In the past 5 weeks the boy has missed 7 visits (weekends and mid week), time with Dad at parent-teacher interviews, time with Dad for Dad's birthday and our wedding.

Literally, the only communication we get from Mum is "he doesn't want to see you". No reason given.

He's not seen his Dad for over a month.

It's devastating and so sad. We'd love to try counselling or mediation but it feels the boy's Mum has shut all communication down.

 

[sammy01]

So tough question... Do you think it is really the kid's wishes? Could kid be upset because dad has remarried for example?

My thoughts - go pick kid up from school - pick him up at lunch time. Take him out for lunch, have the chat, but if the kid clearly expresses that he doesn't want to go with you outside the school or expresses that he doesn't want to spend time with dad, then forget it...

But if he says he wants to spend time with you guys then I'd suggest you start considering your options like setting up an email account for him to communicate directly with you guys. Now given the wording of the orders, I fail to see how you've done anything wrong by taking him out of school as long as he expresses his wish to go.

 

[Kitkat76]

so tough question.... Do you think it is really the kid's wishes? Could kid be upset because dad has remarried for example???

My thoughts - go pick kid up from school - pick him up at lunch time. Take him out for lunch, have the chat. BUT if the kid clearly expresses that he doesn't wanna go with you outside the school OR expresses that he doesn't wanna spend time with dad then forget it... But if he says he wants to spend time with you guys then I'd suggest you start considering your options like setting up an email account for him to communicate directly with you guys. Now given the wording of the orders I fail to see how you've done anything wrong by taking him outa school as long as he expresses his wish to go.

I'm not sure about your wedding question - my husband spoke to both boys about it before he proposed and they were supportive. We get along well when he stays with us. It's hard to know. He's had a stepfather for about 4 years so I think he's used to his parents living separate lives.

My husband organized a mobile for the boy to communicate directly. The trouble is he doesn't answer calls and rare SMS messages come late at night and don't 'sound' like him. Email might work better.

I guess my question is - does the law provide any recourse where one parent openly, deliberately and repeatedly undermines a kid's relationship with the other parent? Eg speaks very negatively about the other parent, encourages kid to lie to parent, rewards kid for refusing to see parent, continues scheduling activity to interrupt time with parent?

And where one parent has repeatedly asked for information about the kid and requested joint canceling only to be ignored?

I understand the boy is 14 and we have to (and want to respect his wishes) but my husband feels stuck.

 

[sammy01]

I reckon you're wasting your time with court.

So help me out here. There is a second child? What is happening with him?

I still reckon the idea of taking the kid out of school at lunch time for a chat is your best bet. If the kid wants to spend time with you then work on making that happen between you and him. It will piss off mum but if it is possible you could look at asking the kid if he wants to come live with you guys and see mum at the weekends. After all the orders do facilitate that....