I am sorry for the length of this post, but please bear with me as the situation is extremely complex.
My daughter left her first partner when their baby was a few months old. She left as a result of his drug-taking and excessive use of alcohol and his associated physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Following the split, she had numerous DVO against him and he was arrested on numerous occasions for breaches of these orders.
About 18 months after the separation, my daughter went into a second relationship. During which, she was a dedicated and loving partner and mother. She put her whole heart and soul into her family and was in a wonderful place. Sadly, her partner was secretly gambling and contacting other women on the internet. When she found out she was naturally furious and left him. However, the emotional fall-out caused her to turn to alcohol and the occasional use of marijuana, which devastated me as she had always been so anti any drugs or excessive use of alcohol.
Over an 18-month period, she experienced a complete emotional breakdown, and was, at that time, not the same person as she had previously been. Her relationship with her children suffered as the financial pressure, trying to hold down a job, depression and conflict with her ex drove her despair.
She realised that she needed to find a more peaceful life if she was to survive and give her children back the mother they once had. So she moved just over the border into NSW to the Northern Rivers to live in a small supportive community in the country. Naturally, my granddaughter was going through a bad time in her relationship with her Mum, and they were not in a good place for much of the time.
So, when her Mum moved she decided that, rather than leave the city, her friends and the school that she would live with her father. The breakdown was the reason for the move, as was manipulation from her partner. She had despite her Mum's efforts to get the father to see her regularly (even though he was always abusive to my daughter) not been very involved with his daughter and tried everything he could to avoid financial responsibility too.
In fact, on numerous occasions, he told my daughter he wanted nothing to do with his child. But his daughter was a strong girl and even from a young age called her father to ask to see him. When my granddaughter went to live with him, my daughter was devastated, but felt her daughter's wishes should be respected, so there was never a formal agreement.
From that time the father, has been vilely abusive, via his current partner as well as directly, using my granddaughter's Facebook page, text, and phone. He has accused my daughter of being an unfit parent because she was not working and therefore cannot pay support, although I believe she is now making some contribution. He is always calling her vile names and using the fact that when she had a breakdown, she was drinking quite heavily. It was one of the reasons for the move and she totally gave up drinking and has not had a single drink in almost two years.
My daughter admits that she was not a good mother in that stage of her life, but she moved to address those issues and to give the children a better life. Sadly, her second partner, with whom she had two younger boys, reneged on his previous agreement to let the boys move to NSW. It was initially agreed between them that the children should stay with him to finish the school year (about two months) but when the time came he refused to let them move. It was a dreadful blow to her, but to be fair they both tried to ensure the children maintained a relationship with their mother and that situation.
While, still not brilliant, is better than the first relationship and recently he asked her for help with a problem with the youngest boy, who went to stay with her for a few days. The boys will be going to her from the middle of this month until school starts again.
My granddaughter's father subsequently, because she could not pay support, stopped her seeing her daughter. He also took his daughter's phone and internet access away on regular occassions when he discovered she had been communicating with her mother. She had been exhibiting worrying sexual behaviour on Facebook, on the occasions she was allowed access, and both her mother and I tried to discuss this with her to no avail. Her mother was unable to discuss anything with the father since he would abuse her and not discuss anything.
In a bizarre twist, she was only able to see her daughter (T) when T was visiting her brothers, who live with their Dad and grandmother at her home. On several occasions he brought all three children to meet their Mum, and on two occasions, me too. They met at a location half-way between the two properties. Please be aware that I was also allowed no contact and received a number of abusive messages on Facebook from the father's partner.
Finally, because the father's partner wanted to get my granddaughter away for the holidays (they do not get on at all and my granddaughter is suffering from the continual attacks and abuse regarding her mother) so they told my daughter that she "had" to take T from New Year to the end of the holidays.
T had already confided, on one of the rare occasions she was able to speak with her Mum, that she wanted to go and live with her brothers and their Dad. She said she hated living with her father and particularly his partner and that ironically he was now drinking regularly and heavily and there were too many fights.
My daughter is still struggling with life in general, but is establishing herself as a talented artist and has been asked to run courses this year. But she is genuinely not up to dealing with the abuse and constant attacks. Well, my granddaughter has been with her for one week. Long enough to see that the accusations made by her father and partner were obviously untrue. And long enough to decide she wants to stay with her mother.
We are moving to be near my daughter later this year as she still needs emotional and practical support. But she is an amazing person who has fought through so much and is starting to look forward to a much brighter future.
My worry is that, if she gets enmeshed in a nasty, protracted situation with him, her mental health could again deteriorate. And while she has no interest in drinking, she does suffer depression when she cannot cope. Hence the reason for our planned move.
So, I am anxious to know what will happen if T simply refuses to return to her father? She is 15 in July and a very strong-willed girl. She has suffered more from her separation from her mother than from her mother's illness. I know she is aware that she is only allowed contact with her mother when it suits her father and partner, and that she dreads the conflict any request for contact causes. She knows he has threatened to harm her mother and has threatened to run away if forced to go back.
What can we do?
My daughter left her first partner when their baby was a few months old. She left as a result of his drug-taking and excessive use of alcohol and his associated physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Following the split, she had numerous DVO against him and he was arrested on numerous occasions for breaches of these orders.
About 18 months after the separation, my daughter went into a second relationship. During which, she was a dedicated and loving partner and mother. She put her whole heart and soul into her family and was in a wonderful place. Sadly, her partner was secretly gambling and contacting other women on the internet. When she found out she was naturally furious and left him. However, the emotional fall-out caused her to turn to alcohol and the occasional use of marijuana, which devastated me as she had always been so anti any drugs or excessive use of alcohol.
Over an 18-month period, she experienced a complete emotional breakdown, and was, at that time, not the same person as she had previously been. Her relationship with her children suffered as the financial pressure, trying to hold down a job, depression and conflict with her ex drove her despair.
She realised that she needed to find a more peaceful life if she was to survive and give her children back the mother they once had. So she moved just over the border into NSW to the Northern Rivers to live in a small supportive community in the country. Naturally, my granddaughter was going through a bad time in her relationship with her Mum, and they were not in a good place for much of the time.
So, when her Mum moved she decided that, rather than leave the city, her friends and the school that she would live with her father. The breakdown was the reason for the move, as was manipulation from her partner. She had despite her Mum's efforts to get the father to see her regularly (even though he was always abusive to my daughter) not been very involved with his daughter and tried everything he could to avoid financial responsibility too.
In fact, on numerous occasions, he told my daughter he wanted nothing to do with his child. But his daughter was a strong girl and even from a young age called her father to ask to see him. When my granddaughter went to live with him, my daughter was devastated, but felt her daughter's wishes should be respected, so there was never a formal agreement.
From that time the father, has been vilely abusive, via his current partner as well as directly, using my granddaughter's Facebook page, text, and phone. He has accused my daughter of being an unfit parent because she was not working and therefore cannot pay support, although I believe she is now making some contribution. He is always calling her vile names and using the fact that when she had a breakdown, she was drinking quite heavily. It was one of the reasons for the move and she totally gave up drinking and has not had a single drink in almost two years.
My daughter admits that she was not a good mother in that stage of her life, but she moved to address those issues and to give the children a better life. Sadly, her second partner, with whom she had two younger boys, reneged on his previous agreement to let the boys move to NSW. It was initially agreed between them that the children should stay with him to finish the school year (about two months) but when the time came he refused to let them move. It was a dreadful blow to her, but to be fair they both tried to ensure the children maintained a relationship with their mother and that situation.
While, still not brilliant, is better than the first relationship and recently he asked her for help with a problem with the youngest boy, who went to stay with her for a few days. The boys will be going to her from the middle of this month until school starts again.
My granddaughter's father subsequently, because she could not pay support, stopped her seeing her daughter. He also took his daughter's phone and internet access away on regular occassions when he discovered she had been communicating with her mother. She had been exhibiting worrying sexual behaviour on Facebook, on the occasions she was allowed access, and both her mother and I tried to discuss this with her to no avail. Her mother was unable to discuss anything with the father since he would abuse her and not discuss anything.
In a bizarre twist, she was only able to see her daughter (T) when T was visiting her brothers, who live with their Dad and grandmother at her home. On several occasions he brought all three children to meet their Mum, and on two occasions, me too. They met at a location half-way between the two properties. Please be aware that I was also allowed no contact and received a number of abusive messages on Facebook from the father's partner.
Finally, because the father's partner wanted to get my granddaughter away for the holidays (they do not get on at all and my granddaughter is suffering from the continual attacks and abuse regarding her mother) so they told my daughter that she "had" to take T from New Year to the end of the holidays.
T had already confided, on one of the rare occasions she was able to speak with her Mum, that she wanted to go and live with her brothers and their Dad. She said she hated living with her father and particularly his partner and that ironically he was now drinking regularly and heavily and there were too many fights.
My daughter is still struggling with life in general, but is establishing herself as a talented artist and has been asked to run courses this year. But she is genuinely not up to dealing with the abuse and constant attacks. Well, my granddaughter has been with her for one week. Long enough to see that the accusations made by her father and partner were obviously untrue. And long enough to decide she wants to stay with her mother.
We are moving to be near my daughter later this year as she still needs emotional and practical support. But she is an amazing person who has fought through so much and is starting to look forward to a much brighter future.
My worry is that, if she gets enmeshed in a nasty, protracted situation with him, her mental health could again deteriorate. And while she has no interest in drinking, she does suffer depression when she cannot cope. Hence the reason for our planned move.
So, I am anxious to know what will happen if T simply refuses to return to her father? She is 15 in July and a very strong-willed girl. She has suffered more from her separation from her mother than from her mother's illness. I know she is aware that she is only allowed contact with her mother when it suits her father and partner, and that she dreads the conflict any request for contact causes. She knows he has threatened to harm her mother and has threatened to run away if forced to go back.
What can we do?
