Ex partner is refusing to notify me his address for no valid reason.

[Rebecca Green]

Hi everyone! I'm hoping someone can advise me on how I can go about getting my ex to provide me with his new address. I also would like some idea of the suitability of his accommodation where he will be staying/living with our five year old son since he has returned back from the UK. Our parenting orders give him 23% custody.
His only reason seems to be he is worried about family members causing him trouble however he hasn't tried to get an IVO in the last 12 months against anyone. None of us have threatened him with family violence. The father won't even talk to me about a safety plan for our son if something happens whilst in his care. I am concerned for the welfare of our son to get help if he needs to.

 

[sammy01]

You have parenting orders? Do they stipulate communicating address? If yes, let him know it.
But here is the thing. If he doesn't tell you there isn't much you can do. Apply to court and have him be directed to tell you.

Is there history of you / your family making threats? intimidation? I'm sure you might say no... But if I asked dad, what would be his response?

 

[Rebecca Green]

You have parenting orders? Do they stipulate communicating address? If yes, let him know it.
But here is the thing. If he doesn't tell you there isn't much you can do. Apply to court and have him be directed to tell you.

Is there history of you / your family making threats? intimidation? I'm sure you might say no... But if I asked dad, what would be his response?

Thanks Sammy. Yes there are parenting orders. If he did say we intimidated him there would be no evidence other than an unfounded fear. He has a history of creating threats to justify his paranoia so he can carry out his plans. Ill try family court and see what they suggest. Helpful advice.

 

[Atticus]

Our parenting orders give him 23% custody.

The parenting orders actually give your SON the right to a minimum amount of 23% to facilitate a meaningful relationship, consistent with his best interests.... perspective can be important.

Parental responsibility doe's not extend to day to day care whilst the child is in the care of the other parent, meaning, dad can't dictate to you how you care for or discipline your son on a day to day basis whilst he is with you. That is your responsibility & right... Likewise, day to day care whilst with dad is his responsibility & right.

If you have a GENUINE, founded basis to suspect his care is resulting in physical or psychological harm, you should call a relationship mediation service if you can't discuss it with dad directly.... That is what the family court will tell you should you contact them about this. A mediator can help find the issues in dispute & offer solutions...

As for not giving his address. Unless court orders state he has to, he dosen't, & he dosen't really have to give a reason.... As long as he is complying with orders & your son is okay, then there is no problem... If anything serious were to happen whilst in dads care that you consider you should have been notified of at the time but were not, again that is an issue to take to a mediator if you are not able to discuss it directly.

Might be worth bearing in mind that by far the greatest cause of psychological harm to children is from warring parents.... Some get savvy & use it to their advantage, so don't believe everything you hear either

 

[Tremaine]

Just to clarify, dad’s residence does not - I repeat, does not - need to meet your expectations of ’suitability’ for the child to spend time there. Honestly, if my ex wanted to know my address so he could decide whether or not my house was up to his standards, I wouldn’t tell him, either.

 

[Rebecca Green]

The parenting orders actually give your SON the right to a minimum amount of 23% to facilitate a meaningful relationship, consistent with his best interests.... perspective can be important.

Parental responsibility doe's not extend to day to day care whilst the child is in the care of the other parent, meaning, dad can't dictate to you how you care for or discipline your son on a day to day basis whilst he is with you. That is your responsibility & right... Likewise, day to day care whilst with dad is his responsibility & right.

If you have a GENUINE, founded basis to suspect his care is resulting in physical or psychological harm, you should call a relationship mediation service if you can't discuss it with dad directly.... That is what the family court will tell you should you contact them about this. A mediator can help find the issues in dispute & offer solutions...

As for not giving his address. Unless court orders state he has to, he dosen't, & he dosen't really have to give a reason.... As long as he is complying with orders & your son is okay, then there is no problem... If anything serious were to happen whilst in dads care that you consider you should have been notified of at the time but were not, again that is an issue to take to a mediator if you are not able to discuss it directly.

Might be worth bearing in mind that by far the greatest cause of psychological harm to children is from warring parents.... Some get savvy & use it to their advantage, so don't believe everything you hear either

Thanks atticus. Very good intersection of three perspectives. I have information on the parenting order program with relationships Australia. However dad is refusing to go with me.
My perspective is that he know where I live and work and I think it reflects badly on him that he feels it needs to be secretive in where he is with our son and with whom. I agree mediation is ideal, however he is not agreeable to negotiation and mediation because his needs have always come first during our marriage and since the orders were done. He says I'm a liar and I lied at court and will not agree to counselling.

 

[Rebecca Green]

Just to clarify, dad’s residence does not - I repeat, does not - need to meet your expectations of ’suitability’ for the child to spend time there. Honestly, if my ex wanted to know my address so he could decide whether or not my house was up to his standards, I wouldn’t tell him, either.

The father has a history of erratic, unpredictable controlling behaviour and sudden mood swings, road rage, emotional and financial family violence and alcohol abuse. I understand that it's my word against his so the court is giving him a go until he crosses the line with something definite to be prosecuted by. But I am concerned about the gaslighting and emotional stability he lacks in a one to one with our son. I would feel Alex would be safer if I knew where he was sleeping. I'm a mum and I left this man for the benefit of my children.

 

[Atticus]

My perspective is that he know where I live and work and I think it reflects badly on him that he feels it needs to be secretive in where he is with our son and with whom.

Unless your orders say so, the other parent is really just not required to give you this information if they do not wish to.... Again, he doesn't have to give a reason. Parenting orders are for the benefit of children, to ensure that each parent is compelled to abide by it so that the child can form & maintain a relationship with each, irrespective of their relationship... The orders are not there to manage two parents who disagree on many issues & most probably always will...

I agree mediation is ideal, however he is not agreeable to negotiation and mediation

Well you have tried. That is all you can do... Unless orders say otherwise neither parent is compelled to attend mediation.... Again, If you do have genuine fears for your sons welfare, backed up by some actual substance then I recommend obtaining a section 60I certificate from the mediator to confirm dads refusal to attend, then see a solicitor with your evidence for opinion & advice on how to proceed... If that point never comes, then you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that this is the way it is... You do not have to know where your son is, who he is with, or if his living arrangements meet with your expectations, as you don't need to justify your time & satisfy his expectations with him

These are final orders not interim I assume?.... Generally courts don't "give someone a go"... if there are genuine concerns they are addressed before making final orders, & often clauses included to deal with risks should they occur