QLD Custody of Children and After School Care - Concerns About Ex-Wife's Complaints?

[Qahm1]

Hello all
Just a quick question

My wife and I separated back in 2013 and now are divorced. Part of the separation was a financial property settlement and custody of children agreement that was sealed by the courts. We have 50/50 custody of children. This has been working well, though a year ago I moved 20kms North so I could provide a better lifestyle for my son. With this he needs to attend before and afternoon school care.

I have a work-life balance agreement with the management wherein I do reduced hours the week I have my son and make up the remainder in the off weeks.

My son attends before school care at 7:40am and I pick him up at 3:50pm. My ex wife is now complaining that the travel is too far and that she doesn't need before and after school care due to her dropping him off and her boyfriend picking him up.

Do I have anything to be concerned about as I just can't stand the bullying I receive via email?

Thanks in advance

 

[AllForHer]

If you have a consent order sealed by the court, then she will either need to get your agreement or apply to the court to have it changed. Otherwise, what the child does and who with when in your care is a day-to-day decision that doesn't require consultation with the other parent.

If she wanted to pursue new parenting orders, and cited the travel time as an issue, you could just as easily respond by seeking that the child be moved to a school that is an equal driving distance for both of you.

What is the relationship between you and your ex like? Is it usually fairly amicable, or is there some conflict?

If it's amicable, then perhaps you could consider saving the money on after-school care by having the mother pick the child up and then collecting the child from her when you finish work.

If there's any residual hostility at all, though, it's better not to do this. The less changeovers, the better.

 

[Qahm1]

I don't deal with my ex at all. The only communication we have is an update email on the Fridays. The update should only contain how our son is going at school, etc

I guess I'm just tired of being pushed around and dictated to.

She suffers from depression and panic attacks so trying to communicate is difficult. Her responses are with anger. If I replyed in that tone I'm sure I would be in a lot of trouble.

I just wish to carry on with our lives and share custody with this beautiful little boy.

 

[sammy01]

Hi. Mate been there done that. Minimise contact / communication. By the sounds of things all of this is pretty recent. So NOW is the time to establish the rules you wanna live by as far as dealing with the ex...

My suggestion - Do not respond to anything unless you think it needs a response. Keep responses SHORT and focus on the court orders.... I'd suggest you write back and say something like -
Dear ex, can you please direct me to the section of the court orders that states that I need to discuss this with you. Alternatively, I"ll assume that we can consider this matter resolved...

If she happens to find something in the orders that she thinks relates to the matter, well then it is up to you... IF you think she is right and there is something in the orders then you'll have to discuss her concerns. However, mostly, what you do with your son when he is with you is of NO RELEVANCE to her...So it is likely you'll be able to respond with something like -
I don't consider there is anything in the orders that means there needs to be any further discussion. KIND REGARDS.

Mate especially when dealing with mental health cases, you really have to remove emotion. Just be factual and don't get caught up with the dramas...

 

[AllForHer]

Then just ignore it. Don't give her fuel to burn. Don't even acknowledge the comments about after school care.

 

[Qahm1]

Thanks Sammy for your reply

The orders have in place for 2 years now and I moved just over 12 months ago

She wants to attend mediation so she can express her concers to the mediator. We attended this a year ago due to pickup and drop location etc on fathers /mothers days. The mediator didn't have a concern me living 30 mins away, so I'm not sure what they will say now.

I'm not going to agree on any less time due to her thinking attending before and afternoon school care is outlandish.

Some kids get dropped off at 6:30 am and picked up again at 5:30pm

What would a mediator respond to her with, do they have a common sense approach?

Thanks

 

[AllForHer]

A mediator is just there to mediate and keep the parties on track as they try to reach agreement. They're not there to make decisions for the parties or share their opinion about the situation.

In my view, though, I think your ex's issue is a symptom of just being a critical ex, rather than genuine concern for the child's well-being. Parents tend to raise the bar to unattainable heights when it comes to expectations they hold of their ex as a co-parent, and this is likely what's happening here. Ask yourself, would parents who were still married have concerns about the child's well-being due to travel times and before and after school care, or would it just be more of an inconvenience than an actual problem?

If it's not something married parents would call a problem, then it's not something divorced parents should call a problem (even though they often do).

Criticism about leaving kids with grandparents is a classic example - a co-parent will berate you high and low for doing it, while married parents do it all the time and celebrate the time off from parenting.

So, I would just ignore it. It's legally not her concern how the child is cared for while in your care.

 

[Qahm1]

Thank you so much
Your help and suggestions make me see clearer.
Once again, thank you

 

[Qahm1]

Sorry guys one more question.
If I receive a letter requesting for me to attend mediation, do I attend ?

Cheers

 

[AllForHer]

I strongly suggest you do. Not hearing and considering the other parent's concerns tends to look bad in court if she does pursue court proceedings. Even if you refuse to her requests, it's better than refusing mediation all together.