Well, I am a woman, so perhaps you could refrain from inferring I'm a 'woman hater' and actually focus on the facts of your case instead.
As I said earlier, state police aren't known to invest public resources into charging a person unless they have evidence they believe will support a conviction at trial. The standard of proof in criminal matters is beyond reasonable doubt, meaning the prosecution has to persuade the Court beyond reasonable doubt that you committed the crimes for which you have been charged. Successfully prosecuting a crime at trial is no easy feat, so I would say it's folly to believe the police are pressing charges against you with no evidence other than your ex's word 'because he got to the police first'.
The fact that you have been charged with violent crimes at all does not bode well for your parenting matter, and indeed, given that your ex is currently the resident parent and not subject to any criminal proceedings, he essentially has the upper hand - it's really him who needs to have 'no huge issues with shared parenting', rather than you.
The conditions you've placed on your willingness to engage in shared parenting are also optimistic at best. Whatever your former father-in-law did, it obviously didn't represent a risk to the children, otherwise they would be named as protected parties on your AVO, as well, correct? But they aren't. On top of that, they aren't subject to criminal proceedings, while you are - I'm sure you can appreciate the irony of wanting to protect the children from their grandparents, when the only one actually charged with violent crimes is you, and I can assure you that irony won't be lost on the Court, either.
But, with that said, it sounds like the father is trying to resolve things outside of Court and it doesn't sound proceedings for parenting orders are actually on foot yet, so anything Court-related is basically irrelevant at this point. While there are no parenting orders in place, you and your ex are at liberty to do as you see fit in regard to the children, but perhaps your best course of action right now is to organise a consultation with Legal Aid to get legal advice - they offer free consultations for parenting matters and may be able to represent you for same.
Best of luck.