What should I do in this situation

[Brissyboy]

Hi all and thanks in advance for any help or advice.

Currently in court proceedings with the mother of our children (15 and 13). Have had 2 hearings and a Child Inclusive Conference conducted and interim orders made which state the children live with me and visit the mother 1 day a week without the presence of the mothers partner. Basically court was initiated because of the childrens reluctance to live with their mother due to conflict in the house between the mother and her partner, plus other factors.

Children have been visiting for a few weeks now, and almost everytime they come back telling me that their mother is pressuring them about the current orders and that all they have to do is tell me that they want to see *her partner*
Comments include
"dont you love *her partner* and want to see him?"
"just tell your father that you want to see him and he will have to let you"
"dont you know how much this is all upsetting me? Its unfair on me, unfair on *her partner*.
"I dont know how much more I can continue like this"

The children have also had an older sibling (17) who still resides with the mother makes comments such as
"Mum is broke because of you, all of her money is going on lawyers.

Not sure what to do about this. Im a self rep and the mother has a lawyer.

I have no problem with them seeing their mother at all, I would just prefer that they didnt have to put up with the mothers guilt game, and pressuring them into saying things they dont want.

Should I write a letter to her lawyer requesting this kind of behaviour stop??
Do I just let it all slide?

We are just about to commence court ordered Family Therapy, should I just mention this all to the Psychologist instead?

 

[Atticus]

I have no problem with them seeing their mother at all, I would just prefer that they didnt have to put up with the mothers guilt game, and pressuring them into saying things they dont want.

Should I write a letter to her lawyer requesting this kind of behaviour stop??
Do I just let it all slide?

We are just about to commence court ordered Family Therapy, should I just mention this all to the Psychologist instead?

I wouldn't be writing to her lawyer about it ..... I would raise it as a concern with the psych. They will then probably follow it up with the kids & perhaps mum as well...

 

[sammy01]

I disagree.
I would write directly to the mother and I would give the kids this advice. Kids, you have two choices. Choice 1. Tell mum that you don't want to talk about it AND repeat that statement every time she mentions it. OR ignore... So lets look at the letter to mum.
Dear NUTTER.
The children inform me that you have been asking them to tell me that they want to spend time with your partner. I feel this is putting undue pressure on the kids. Please stop. If you have any questions please direct them towards me and not the kids.
Kind Regards....

WHY? Well, lots of reasons....
1. it is called good parenting. You're trying to protect your kids from BS.
2. It puts her on notice. You know and by telling her that you know she would be stupid to continue.
3. You're being transparant. The family therapist will appreciate your honesty. I reckon that will give you credibility with the family therapist.
4. It shows you have good communication skills and are prepared to deal with the difficult issues that arise occasionally from co-parenting
Scenario... You're talking to the family therapist. Explaining what has been happening. Family therapist asks 'given you have concerns what did you do about it?'. You can shift akwardly in your chair because you did nothing OR you can say that you addressed your concerns with the ex...

 

[Atticus]

Obviously we don't know the exact circumstances involved here @Brissyboy, but if your kids are like most caught up in family law proceedings, they are just straddling a barbed wire fence, doing their best to get along with both parents.... Perhaps they have told you these things in confidence.

I can't tell you which is the better approach, but I can say with a fair degree of confidence that directly involving kids in these disputes is NEVER a good look in court.... This is not a parenting issue that involves discipline for example (in which case I agree it should be taken up with mum rather than vented to a psych))

What the kids are saying to you goes to the core of what your court proceedings are about... It should be raised in confidence with the psych. These court ordered sessions are about to start anyway, & that is the proper forum to raise it IMO. The psych can determine then how it should be handled ( if sh/e things it's appropriate) The kids may say that they prefer it not be raised, who knows.

Either way, a psych is not going to put you in the hot seat for not taking this issue up with mum & directly involving kids.