VIC Visitation for long distance

[Leolion]

My children’s father lives in Europe. I have lived here in Victoria after relocation orders to Australia were agreed in 2008.

My ex has come in and out of the children’s lives for the last 9 years... the children are now 11 and 12 and have little interest in a relationship with him. They have tolerated my insisting they meet up with him for the last 4 years (for a day or so when in Europe) but are getting to an age where it is more difficult to do so...

He has now taken me to court here in Australia asking for ten days with them twice a year, a family report has been done but the family report writer thinks they are influenced by me...I am happy for the children to see him when they want to and that is why I insisted they see him the last few years so they kept some kind of connection... they don’t like him as a person (they think he is odd)

My suggested orders state that given the children’s age and opinions that visitation should be on their terms....

I’m not sure what else to suggest or what is reasonable given the distance and lack of relationship between the parties (we separated when my eldest was 10 months and I was pregnant with the now 11 year old)

I can’t find any similar situations

I’m open to them seeing him but they have refused to spend time with him since they were 5 and 6 years old (he went 2 years without seeing them or having contact-his choice) they will only go if i’m present... and I can’t do ten days at a time (nor would he want that)- any ideas for how to move forward? How to encourage an interest? What I should suggest and expect at court given distance etc

Help

 

[AllForHer]

Do you let your 11- and 12-year-olds decide whether or not they go to school?

 

[sammy01]

So you go to Europe every year for the last 4 years... And only manage a day or so? U'm have I got this right... So you take the kids to the other side of the planet each year - or there abouts and only find time to catch up with dad for a day or so.... That does not sound like you are actively encouraging the kids to spend time with dad.

10 days with him twice a year... What is the problem. Pack the kids up and send them... How much damage can dad possibly do in 20 days a year?

U'm of course he doesn't spend much time with them. He lives on the other side of the planet... Sorry read your post again... Tell me how it doesn't sound like you want someone here to tell you that it is a great thing to actively encourage kids to not want to spend time with their dad...

Go on dare ya, let the kids go and spend 10 days with the guy... Do it without any contact with you... What is the worst that could happen? they could find out he isn't "odd" give us a break how much time have they had with him to make that determination? how much time have they had with you to help lead them to that assessment ...

 

[Leolion]

Do you let your 11- and 12-year-olds decide whether or not they go to school?

No obviously not but if they were having issues, or concerns, were upset about going so they felt anxious and sick or an adult there made them feel uncomfortable I wouldn’t just say ‘suck it up and go’ I would go into the school and ask for support and address these issues

 

[Leolion]

thanks for your help

 

[AllForHer]

Look, I don't believe a single person when they say 'he doesn't see the kids - his choice' while they are neck deep in Court proceedings about parenting matters. Do you know how much effort Court requires? How much time and money it takes? I can't think of a single thing a parent could do that would better show how badly they want to see their kids, and to suggest it was 'his choice' not to see them at one time or another is fraught with subjective interpretation.

My stepdaughter's mother once said she was happy for her dad to see his kid, but she also insisted that he only see her at his house alone with the mother (not two days after she'd filed for a DVO against him) and conditional on him jumping through whatever other creative hoops she laid out for him, which he refused. Saying it was 'his choice' not to see their daughter was a gross misrepresentation of the facts, wouldn't you agree?

She also once said that their daughter didn't want to see her dad, but despite the child leaping into her father's arms at changeover, mum would make her goodbyes into drawn-out, emotional affairs as though they were never going to see each other again, and she would not stop expressing her sadness at the child's departure until their daughter was visibly distressed and begging to stay with her mother. Again, to say she didn't want to go with her father was a gross misrepresentation of the facts, correct?

So if you have ever said to your kids 'I know you don't want to see him, but you have to' or 'It's only for a day, and if you tell me you want to leave, then we will leave', or any variation of similar strain, then you are not at all supportive or encouraging of the children's relationship with their dad.

On top of all of that, your kids have spent four days out of four years with their father, yet you seem to think their opinion is an expert one, even when they were five and six years of age. That says more about your lack of insight about where children source their opinions than it does about the children's feelings toward their father, frankly.

So, here's the best way for you to encourage the kids to see their dad: send them to Europe to spend time with him - just him, not you - for ten days, twice a year.

Your kids are old enough to travel as unaccompanied minors on most flights, and they're old enough to cope quite well without you for ten days.

Personally, if I took two holidays a year to Europe as a kid, I would be absolutely thrilled, unless of course, one of my parents made me feel bad for doing so.