NT Sudden Separation with Ex - What to Do?

[ScottBannerman]

Hi all,

I'm just looking for a bit of help. I'm a little lost by it all at the moment.

My wife is currently away with the Air Force and 2 months into her trip she has decided she isn't happy in the marriage. No matter how much I tried she would not make time for us to repair the marriage. A few weeks pass and she contacts me wanting to now reconcile the marriage. We talk every day for a week or so and then she tells me about her affair with a married woman.

The following week I still spoke to her everyday and supported her through everything. She would constantly change her mind between saving the marriage and then saying we can't because of what she has done. She purchased my flights to NZ so we could talk face to face.

A few days later, she breaks down completely so I tell her I will step back and asked her to get proper help. That was the last time I heard her voice. She then cancelled my flights to NZ, sent emails outlining everything I have ever done wrong in the relationship, asked for a separation via text message and then after a few more weeks of my sitting in limbo not knowing what was going on, she has decided to cancel my half of the honeymoon but is still going to go by herself.

Then I receive a message stating she is not even interested in saving the marriage at all so I have now decided I can't do this game anymore and I am moving out before she gets home. I have text messages with her stating what furniture she wants left and what I can take.

I am trying to do the right thing by her because that is just my nature, but I am finding it difficult due to her dictating what is happening while I am not even be involved. All of this has been done via text message because she is claiming there are reasons she cannot talk to me but they are unfounded and not relevant to our current situation.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, as you can imagine I am a little lost

 

[Rod]

I suggest you either:

• Book your own flights and see her or
• do nothing for the moment.

No-one here can say which is the better option.

If you choose the do nothing for the moment option, then sit back and think with both your heart and your head. To help your head think avoid all contact with your wife for the time being till you have a better idea as to what you want. Tell her you are suspending contact for x weeks (x should be a number greater than 4, less than 26) so she knows what is going on. Staying in contact at the moment is keeping you on the big dipper, up one minute, down the next. Get off the ride for the time being, clear your head and evaluate what you want to do. This will not be quick nor easy.

If you choose the flyover option, keep in mind the third person in your marriage is still likely to be around after you leave.

Tough one man. Keep in the back of your mind that time heals many hurts. Make sure you give yourself that time whichever way it works out.

 

[sammy01]

Do you have kids? Do you have a mortgage on the house?

Do nothing - while she is stays in the house. Get bloody good advice before leaving the house, especially if you have kids or have a mortgage... Why should you leave the house? She isn't even there? She is the one who wants to end the relationship - let her move out.

Minimise all contact.

Go get yourself some counselling to help with the stress.

Seriously mate, a good counsellor is the best thing. That and going for lots of really vigourous exercise to help you sleep. Not legal advice - just practical real world experience. The stress of this crap is horrid. You need to get some good management strategies.

 

[ScottBannerman]

Thanks for the input.

It is a s**t situation and seems to be a lot of games being played to keep her seemingly in control. We don't have any children and we live in a Defence house. She is the Defence member so I would have to move out either way, at least if I go now it's on my terms not hers.

I am just lost as to how you can say you love someone and in next breath turn and walk away from a marriage that hasn't even made a year. I guess some people give up easily. I do see a counsellor and it does help shift my focus, I also train Muay Thai 4 nights a week and Krav Maga 1 a week.

I'm doing as much as I can to keep myself busy just struggling to convince the heart to walk away is the hard part. She would control who I could and couldn't talk to and see so I don't have many friends where I am and due to her insecurity and controlling I have become quite socially awkward. I know I am also to blame as I should not have allowed her insecurity to seep into me and I shouldn't have allowed her to control me.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing I guess

 

[sammy01]

No legal advice here - but I reckon you've dodged a bullet. If you had kids with her then you would have years in hell ahead. Yep, her behaviour is strange and hard for you to deal with. One of the things with these sorts of people is somehow you get caught up in their craziness and it is hard to unravel yourself from the mess. Give yourself some time.. It will get better.