Refusal to make arrangements

[Shayne]

My separated and soon to be ex wife has a habit of turning to nothing but spite and hate when she does not get her way.

I have court ordered custody of our 2 kids most weekends and half of school holidays.

We had discussed the kids staying with me an extra day to make the changeover today (Sunday). I have more than once asked to make the time to swap be 230 as I have work this afternoon and it is an hour drive from where we swap back home. She knows I have work, and I believe it is because of this she is stalling making an actual arrangement for the time it is to happen.

I have made so many allowances for her, even going as far as to drive the 2.5hr trip down there just so that she can work and couldn't make the court ordered (and 100% decided by her) time.

The 'usual' change over is at 4pm, but I never agreed that having them this extra day meant I cannot go to work this afternoon.

Am I within my own rights to take them back to my home and leave it up to her to pick them up from me? Or am I expected to wait around for her and do the swap at a time that she has alone decided. (A time that I am positive she is saying just to try and hurt me and make things more difficult)

I made the trip half way early to try and arrange the swap, and she is flat out ignoring me.

Even last night she was up until after midnight sending me insults and refusing to agree on a time that means I don't risk ruining another job because of her issue whatever that may be at the time.

 

[sammy01]

don't change from the orders.
Too late for that lesson.
What to do today? what ever she tells you. WHY? because you have put in in a position of power.... You can't do anything but what she tells you. Lesson here. DONT CHANGE FROM THE ORDERS. When you do you're risking this sort of stupidity.

 

[Shayne]

Well that helps. Kick the bloke that knows he is in a shitty situation and is asking for practical advice. I mean how stupid to want to spend the extra night with his kids when they are stuck with the self destructing mother and he is watching them slip further into following her borderline personality disorder traits because he chose the 'offer' made to him instead of fighting and losing them all together.

So again. Thanks for your productive input.

 

[sammy01]

You're most welcome.
Firstly, in your first post you didn't say you had to choose between keeping them until Sunday and not having them at all. I give advice on the info you provide. When you move the goal posts then blame me for the advice, well that suxs.

Mate it isn't stupid to want an extra night with the kids. What is stupid is putting someone who you have now disclosed as 'borderline personality disordered' in a position of power.

By your own admission you have 'made so may allowances for her'.... Has she ever said thankyou? Nope? has she ever hmmm I don't know, returned a favour? Nope?

Did you have to spend a small fortune to get orders in place just so you can see the kids? YES...

And for all that you didn't see the writing was on the wall and she was gonna screw you around? I'm betting you even told her you had to work, I can imagine the squeals of delight when she realised she could screw you over with the drop off time and as an extra treat get you in trouble with the boss... Oh and when she wanted the orders changed so she could work, what did you do? Everything you could to help her? Again, did she say thanks? NOPE? Clearly, she didn't return the favour... So actually, my advice is pretty good.

Just to get you to understand where I'm coming from... The ex got a little under 80% of the assets.... She was gonna be primary carer of 3 young kids. Mate I gave her about 20% more than she would have got in court.... But I didn't want to put us all through that battle. Within a year she dumped the kids with me and left... So now every 5 weeks I do the 6 hour round trip to meet her to pick up / drop off kids.... I'm always 5 minutes early and in her defence she is almost always there on time when it is to pick up the kids.... BUT - when it comes time to drop the kids back... I know she will be late... On a good day she will be 1 hour late. 3 hours is the average... 27 hours is her record...

So let me repeat my advice. Don't ever agree to do anything different to what is in the orders. NUTTERS need rules. You can't make the rules because the nutter wont follow your rules. That is why you have court orders. BTW the courts are clogged with blokes trying to get their orders enforced. So the best thing to do is make her think the orders need to be complied with and that means you do not agree to make any deviation from what is written down on those bits of paper.
Here is some home work
Shrink4Men - Helping men break free from abusive relationships since 2009
I reckon you should start by reading this article.
Boundaries Protect You from Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 3: The Very Basics - Shrink4Men
then I reckon you can get back to me and tell me if my advice was on the money.... Mate I'm sorry your in this situation. But I noticed nobody came and gave you any better advice than mine...
by the way, how did yesterday pan out?
cheers