VIC Parenting Plan - Mental and Emotional Abuse by Father?

[Protectingmydd]

Please, I need someone to tell me how I get my ex to stop his psychological / emotional abuse on myself and our daughter?

It is never ending! My solicitor sent out the final (hopefully) draft of the parenting plan by consent orders to the ex's solicitor, but I don't think it will stop anything. I think he will refuse to agree to it. And he is withholding information on where my daughter is when she is in his care.

At changeover today, I heard her ask him something about an "address" and his response to her was "no, don't tell her".

I have noticed that she is finding that to be a burden today, as she is not herself and burst out in tears and it feels like she has something bothering her. I saw her text messages to a friend and she was still at school at 3:55pm on Friday (in her dad's care) and then messaged the friend saying she was on her way to her new house.

I have not been advised of this. I asked her dad what he told her not to tell me about an "address" and he accused me of harassment and blocked me.

Why is he withholding the whereabouts of where my daughter is when she is with him?? Where is she when she goes into his care? Who is she with? Why is he telling her to keep this information from me?

He is parental alienating me (too much detail to elaborate here to explain).

I believe he has a mental health illness since his father died and I am concerned for him and more so for the well being and safety of my daughter when she is with him.

What can I do? I don't want my daughter to keep suffering from his continued mental and emotional torment!

 

[sammy01]

Welcome to stupidity... And sadly, chances are, you're both guilty of it... Don't worry, I've been guilty of it too.

Does he have to tell you? Nope. Not unless there are consent / court orders that say addresses must be provided - it is a common order to have...

He isn't giving you the address because he doesn't have to. Chances are you're not agreeing for him to have the amount of time with the kid so he fighting you.

Ok - so kid left at school. My kids were at primary school when I went through this. The school would call me and say the kids are in the playground. Not great parenting but not child abuse...

So you've noticed that the child is upset by all this.... Well isn't it upsetting to you? It is not dad's fault, that is simply the situation that you're in...

Solutions
1. Get consent orders that provide rules...
2. Learn some strategies to deal with the stress of the situation.

 

[Protectingmydd]

I have my solicitor working on a parenting plan by consent orders and waiting for his solicitor to return the draft.

Yes, I understand he doesn't have to tell me but as soon as the consent orders are in place he will be required to tell me. He is aware of this.

But to tell our daughter "do not tell her" is putting a huge burden on her shoulders as he is asking her to protect him. This could be a stressful burden that she unintentionally internalises in destructive ways. And it's not the only time he has told her to not tell me things.

 

[Rod]

I suspect your concern is making your child's internalisation worse. If you 'loosen up', I suspect your kid will be much better fairly quickly.

My ex didn't tell me where she moved to. I was upset at the time, asked the kids a couple of times, then realised I was putting my problem onto them. I stopped and a few months later I found out where she lived when I was asked to drop them off at ex's place because of some reason that really wasn't important.

Keep your kid out of your problems and you'll see a marked improvement in your child. Hard at times, I struggled, but it is necessary unless YOU want to be the cause of the damage being done, not your ex. Kids grow up and most soon recognise who is being the unreasonable parent. Don't be the 'unreasonable parent'.

 

[sammy01]

No legal advice here... Just experience.

OK, so there is a fair bit of suspicion here. He won't give you his residential address. Why not? So let's pick on him ATM.

He won't give you reasonable information, like his residential address... Why not?

1. He doesn't trust you. You don't trust him either (true).

2. Because he doesn't have to.

3. Because he knows not telling you is pissing you off.

Obviously you're at the early stage of this stupid game. But here is your first mistake... You have asked how to get him to stop... You can't. So learn to play a different game.

Why not email him. Don't use the words I or you. Use we... "Can we agree that we won't talk to the children about what is going on...? If they ask, we can agree to both explain without laying blame. We both want what is best for the kids..."

If nothing else is achieved you're demonstrating that you're prepared to find ways to not fight. Let's face it, conflict is what has caused the marriage breakdown... Continue doing the same stuff that got you to this place...or find new/better ways of moving forward.

 

[Protectingmydd]

I suspect your concern is making your child's internalisation worse. If you 'loosen up', I suspect your kid will be much better fairly quickly.

My ex didn't tell me where she moved to. I was upset at the time, asked the kids a couple of times, then realised I was putting my problem onto them. I stopped and a few months later I found out where she lived when I was asked to drop them off at ex's place because of some reason that really wasn't important.

Keep your kid out of your problems and you'll see a marked improvement in your child. Hard at times, I struggled, but it is necessary unless YOU want to be the cause of the damage being done, not your ex. Kids grow up and most soon recognise who is being the unreasonable parent. Don't be the 'unreasonable parent'.

I haven't involved my daughter at all and she is not aware that I am aware.

I am a counsellor and am aware of the effects this has on kids and I can read my daughter like the back of my hand. I am ensuring the appropriate steps are taken to protect her her development.

 

[Protectingmydd]

No legal advice here... Just experience
ok so there is a fair bit of suspicion here... He won't give you his residential address.... Why not? So let's pick on him ATM.... He won't give you reasonable information, like his residential address... WHY NOT?
1. He doesn't trust you. You don't trust him either(true)
2. because he doesn't have to..
3. because he knows not telling you is pissing you off...

Obviously you're at the early stage of this stupid game.. But here is your first mistake... You have asked how to get him to stop... YOU CAN'T. So learn to play a different game.

Why not email him.. Don't use the words I or YOU. Use WE.... Can we agree that we wont talk to the children about what is going on... If they ask, we can agree to both explain without laying blame. We both want what is best for the kids...

If nothing else is achieved you're demonstrating that you're prepared to find ways to not fight.... Lets face it conflict is what has caused the marriage breakdown... Continue doing tthe same stuff that got you to this place..Or find new/better ways of moving forward.

All three I would assume.

Not in the early game, this is year 4 now and 2 years with my solicitor and still waiting on a parenting plan which is a timely process due to the ex being the main cause of delay (but also my solicitor).

I have tried and tried and tried to co-parent, but he only wishes to counter-parent and is impossible. He decides to change rules to suit his social life and expects me to follow them, but within a couple of days (if that) he has broken his own rules. I could go on and on and on but its too much!

He just basically wants to make my life hell (or his narc GF is puppeteering him to make my life hell) but he has no idea of what it could be doing to our daughter and the possible harm. For me, I am constantly in shock or disgusted by his parenting (or lack of), but all I can do now is shake my head and make note of it. He is parental alienating me and buying our daughters love.

I know I am providing all I can (and more) for my daughter and she is loved and cared for with her best interest as my priority.

 

[AllForHer]

Forgive my ignorance, here, but how does the ex's decision not to tell you some address of questionable relevance, amount to abuse?

 

[Lennon]

Please, I need someone to tell me how I get my ex to stop his psychological / emotional abuse on myself and our daughter????
It is never ending! My solicitor sent out the final (hopefully) draft of the parenting plan by consent orders to the ex's solicitor but I don't think it will stop anything. I think he will refuse to agree to it.

Consent orders are just that... orders made by consent. You can't force someone to enter into consent orders, and refusing to agree to consent orders is not abusive.

 

[Protectingmydd]

Forgive my ignorance, here, but how does the ex's decision not to tell you some address of questionable relevance, amount to abuse?

The abuse part being him telling her to withhold information from me. This is a huge stress burden for a 9-year-old to hold the responsibility of holding her dads secret. This can result in unintentionally internalising in destructive ways. If this occurs during a crucial developmental stage in their life it can stop the growth of one's identity and self.

This is not the only time he has done this and told her not to tell me things that she obviously has felt like she needs to or told her to not tell me unless I ask.