VIC Mother Dictating Mediation Terms - Response?

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Anon_ymous

Well-Known Member
27 July 2018
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Back again with another question.

The mediator has advised my partner that the mother will not participate in mediation if it is a shuttle. This was fine until he asked for a support person and now she has changed her mind. She has rejected my partner's request to have a support person.

The mediator was trying to convince my partner as apparently the mother seems really reasonable and eager to work something out. Mother has said she wants herself and him in the same room and it will be a quick half our thing and that the son is really eager to meet his dad. Mother has said if he wants to do a shuttle he can just get the certificate and take her to family court.

Don't know why she couldn't have worked any of this out in the last 3 years we have been asking to arrange something.

Should my partner just agree?

He's only nervous given her history, that he will be too anxious to advocate for his son and his relationship that isn't completely on her terms. They haven't seen each other for a very long time.
He obviously wants to see his son, that is the whole point of this. But the other reason was that mother dictated everything and we thought mediation would help and be a more fair playing feild

I'll have no choice but to wait outside and have him fill me in on the breaks to make sure the agreement is something that I will be able to support with work and the kids too.

Was feeling optimistic and now not so much
 

Migz

Well-Known Member
20 November 2016
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Look this mother is a control freak. You guys need to get your act together, and write up your entire parenting plan, but write them as "Interim Orders" and "Final orders". It's good practice for when she scuttles the mediation, at least you will have your "interim Orders" and "Final Orders" already done and you can put them into your "Initiating Application Federal Circuit Court".

He needs to walk in there with this document already filled out, and copied 2 or 3 times, and hand a copy to each person in there. He doesn't really have to talk at all then, if she isn't in agreeance to item (5) for example, then just move on, don't get stuck arguing a point, if she doesn't agree move on to the next point. Make sure you have at least over 50 points to be viewed. When he gets to the end of the 50 and she has only agreed to 3 or 4 of them, then close the meeting, ask how and when the s60i will be made available to you.
 

Anon_ymous

Well-Known Member
27 July 2018
55
0
196
Look this mother is a control freak, you guys need to get your act together, and write up your entire parenting plan, but write them as "Interim Orders" and "Final orders", its good practice for when she scuttles the mediation, atleast you will have your "interim Orders" and "Final Orders" already done and you can put them into your "Initiating Application Federal Circuit Court"

He needs to walk in there with this document already filled out, and copied 2 or 3 times, and hand a copy to each person in there. He doesn't really have to talk at all then, if she isn't in agreeance to item (5) for example, then just move on, don't get stuck arguing a point, if she doesn't agree move on to the next point. Make sure you have atleast over 50 points to be viewed. When he gets to the end of the 50 and she has on;y agreed to 3 or 4 of them, then close the meeting, ask how and when the s60i will be made available to you.

Thanks Migz, appreciate the help.

I think that suggestion will work well for him and we will get on to writing that up asap.

I dont know much about family court regarding these types of circumstances, length wise.. changes of seeing the kid before Christmas this year?

Given he is 9, and previously you suggested not to agree to supervised visits. What do you think would be reasonable to suggest in the way of a first introduction and subsequent access?
Mother has continuously stated that son wants to see his dad and ask, etc.

Had originally thought to suggest facilitated introduction by the mediation agency and maybe a second facilitated visit so that he can meet his siblings and thereafter partner to collect from an agreed point.
 

sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
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Or.... Some tough love.

So you were gonna be the support person? I know there isn't any real relationship between the mum and your partner, but two is company... If you know what I mean.

Sorry to be blunt. He needs to suck it up. There is gonna be a mediator there and the mediator will not facilitate HER being an ass.

He wants to see his kid? Start including a tea spoon of concrete in his coffee to toughen him up... Again, sorry to be blunt but there are some harsh realities here.

I know, I know - and trust me I understand. The sound of my ex's voice still causes me anxiety... But if he wants to see his kid he needs to understand that means he will be having to speak to this woman on a weekly / fortnightly basis when doing pick up's drop off's... True?

So - I don't entirely disagree with Migz approach (well I do) but hey, I just have a different perspective. Not saying he is wrong... The more opinions you get the better... But going in with 50 or more points for her to disagree to invites disagreement...

Why not go in with a positive attitude and hope it is gonna succeed... Don't make the same mistake she is making, she is trying to control how mediation happens, if he goes in and does the same it will fall apart in no time... and it doesn't matter to her if it does. But it does matter to him.

I reckon your partner will be a bit like Trump when he met the North Korean dictator - he said he'd know within a few minutes if he was sincere. I reckon your partner will know within a few minutes whether or not she is there to help facilitate the relationship with the son OR if she is there to be mean and nasty...

BTW - she doesn't have to attend... True? So let's take the fact that she is agreeing to attend mediation as a huge positive... True? Remember the mediator has said that they think the ex is genuine...
 

Rob Legat - SBPL

Lawyer
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16 February 2017
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Gold Coast, Queensland
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To my mind, if she won’t agree to shuttle conferencing or a support person she has an agenda and it’s probably that she thinks she can browbeat him into what she wants. I wouldn’t accept it unless he’s comfortable, and I wouldn’t be relying on a mediator to ‘save him’. They’re too hit and miss, especially when the stereotypical situation of a domineering male is flipped.

Any mediator that is trying to convince him to go forward without either of the above ‘protections’ is not seeing the big picture.
 

Anon_ymous

Well-Known Member
27 July 2018
55
0
196
Or.... Some tough love..
So you were gonna be the support person? I know there isn't any real relationship between the mum and your partner, but two is company... If you know what I mean.
Sorry to be blunt. He needs to suck it up. There is gonna be a mediator there and the mediator will not facilitate HER being an ass.

He wants to see his kid? Start including a tea spoon of concrete in his coffee to toughen him up... Again, sorry to be blunt but there are some harsh realities here.

I know, I know - and trust me I understand. The sound of my ex's voice still causes me anxiety... But if he wants to see his kid he needs to understand that means he will be having to speak to this woman on a weekly / fortnightly basis when doing pick up's drop off's... True?

So - I don't entirely disagree with Migz approach (well I do) but hey, I just have a different perspective. Not saying he is wrong, ... The more opinions you get the better... But going in with 50 or more points for her to disagree to invites disagreement... Why not go in with a positive attitude and hope it is gonna succeed... Don't make the same mistake she is making, she is trying to control how mediation happens, if he goes in and does the same it will fall apart in no time... AND it doesn't matter to her if it does. But it does matter to him.

I reckon your partner will be a bit like Trump when he met the North Korean dictator - he said he'd know within a few minutes if he was sincere. I reckon your partner will know within a few minutes whether or not she is there to help facilitate the relationship with the son OR if she is there to be mean and nasty....
BTW - she doesn't have to attend... True? so lets take the fact that she is agreeing to attend mediation as a huge positive... True? Remember the mediator has said that they think the ex is genuine...


I really do appreciate the help, every perspective gives us some insight.

I was surprised that the mediator was trying to convince him, especially as her response was either 'be with me in the room alone or take me to court' and asked him to pay her fees. If he and his mates had been the ones harassing her then would the mediator be trying to convince her of the same? I would think probably not.

He does want to see his son however so he's not looking to drag it out. We thought it would be easier I be there rather than he come out and tell me and take breaks and make sure we can make the proposition work (due to work hours and our kids etc).

She has contacted me on her own accord previously and asked to meet with me to discuss an arrangement, then just disappears. We have been willing to do whatever and have communicated this to her and have been telling her for a length of time that we really want to see him and for him to meet his siblings.

I suspect that she isn't sincere but knows how to play along.

In January he asked to make arrangements again and she agreed and said she will get her lawyer to contact him. Many months down the track and all we get is the letter instructing no communication, no gifts, talk of an IVO etc.

Nothing she does makes sense. We will draw something up for him to bring in, using bits of everyone's advice, a list that is as fair as possible in the best interest of his son, considering his age and length of time apart, and as migz said allowing for growth in time.

We won't be agreeing to 'supervised' visits, especially not by her. Maybe a facilitated introduction through the centre, if deemed necessary, although the mediator said mum told her he is very excited and wants to see his dad (she has been saying this for years though)

We will outline what my partner is seeking in relation to communication, education and medical. Drop off/pick up and special days and will try to avoid provoking anything negative.

I completely understand how she might be overwhelmed as a mum however, its completely selfish to dictate the relationship this child has with his dad.
 

Lennon

Well-Known Member
11 September 2014
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719
It is not unusual that one of the parties to mediation refuses to agree to the other person having a support person present - my ex did the same to me. I just made sure that I knew my partner's views and the parameters of what was feasible for her before attending, and that she was available for me to call during the mediation. As it turned out this was all unnecessary, because my ex spent all 3 mediation sessions berating me for things that happened when we were married, and not discussing parenting issues at all (I should have pulled the pin after the first session).

I can't imagine how orders dealing with your partner's situation could be dealt with in half an hour. There is a lot of ground to cover, and if there is any prospect of a proper agreement being reached (dealing not just with immediate issues, but also longer term issues) then a significant amount of time will be needed.