Interpretation of shared parental responsibility

[Tamsin]

Hi everyone,
I've been divorced for 7 years now, but still have a very rocky time with my ex husband. We have equal shared parental responsibility, but last week my kids told me their dad had sent them to afterschool care. He hadn't communicated with me at all about it, and as far as I'm concerned, this is one of the things that comes under the things that need a joint decision. Our orders do even specify "day care or after school enrollment".

I asked him for details of what was happening and he ignored me, so I went to the center who at first refused to give me any information as they told me their records didn't show I was a parent of the children. I showed her our court orders and she then gave me a copy of the enrollment form which had their father and his current girlfriend down as the 2 parents of the children (he had put step-mother in the relationship box for her). I wasn't even included as an emergency contact.

I challenged him with this information and told him he had broken the orders, as we should have made the decision together, and I should be down on the enrollment forms for emergency situations, and so I can access details about the children's progress there. He told me it doesn't come under the joint responsibility, as he is only sending them there when they are with him, and I'm not paying for it. He's refusing to add me to the enrollment saying it's none of my business. He's even refusing to do mediation about our different interpretations of the orders, repeatedly telling me to see a lawyer, which I can't really afford.

Can someone just give me a nod in the right direction, am I over-interpreting the orders? Or does this come under things that we should make a joint decision about?
Thanks

 

[Atticus]

He told me it doesn't come under the joint responsibility, as he is only sending them there when they are with him

I agree.... Day to day care is not an aspect of joint parental responsibility.... it is only happening in his time

 

[Step2Three]

Ordinarily I wouldn't expect after-school care to be counted as a 'joint parental' decision and he would be within his rights to make arrangements for care if needed (e.g. to manage work responsibility and school). This should really only be a concern if you think there is an element of risk or negligence if he were making inappropriate care arrangements- and it sound like the centre is above board so not a concern. As an extreme example- if you cannot pick your kids from school on any given day (which is likely the fundamental issue for him/his partner) is it a joint parental decision to ask a family member to cover for you? Of course not.

The inclusion of 'after school enrollments' in the orders really only make sense if this refers to enrolments that impact both parents time (e.g, sports team/community groups with commitments every week that both parents needs to accommodate). 'Day care' would presumably also be covered as those enrollment usually require a commitment of days/week where the child must attend regardless of parenting time, and also because a lot will involve early learning programs (hence it could be considered an educational decision).

What 'progress' do you expect have reported by the after-school care? This isn't day care/pre-school where they are engaging in learning activities at the centre. The kids are doing that at school, and you presumably can engage with their teacher for that information.

If the problem lies solely with your differing interpretation of the orders, rather than any issues for the children or yourself (besides dented pride) then fighting over this is only perpetuating your 'rocky relationship' rather than helping anyone.

 

[Tamsin]

Thanks for the replies guys.
With regards to me not being allowed on the form as the parent? My ex works as a security guard and isnt allowed his phone during the times the kids are at the center. If one of the children had an accident, they would first try to contact him and be unable to, then contact his girlfriend, and I would have to wait until (if) she contacted me to inform me. As their Mum shouldn't I be on that form rather than his girlfriend as the parent, as I need to be contacted during an emergency. Every other care center we have used has required that only mine and my ex's details were used in the 'parents' section of the form.

With regards to the accessing information thing, I need to put them in afterschool care myself next year. If they are already attending one place it would make sense to continue that, but the staff confirmed to me that they would not even tell me how the kids were doing, or about any issues they had had so I could inform my decision. Which of course I would want to know before choosing to the place.

 

[sammy01]

I'm gonna be brutal - Well intentioned BUT brutal. TWITS - both you you... TWITS - Me too. I've been a twit. Still am sometimes.

Him - because he doesn't have to tell you.(maybe he does) But common sense suggests he should and common sense says you should be an emergency contact person. But as far as your question regarding parental responsibility, If it doesn't impact on your time with the kids and isn't a major long term decision about the kids, then it isn't an issue. What dad does with his time is his business. OR maybe he does because you have that specified in your orders. So he is a twit because he might have breached the orders, but unless you give us the exact wording of the orders it is hard to judge. BUT it is a perculiar thing to have in there and it makes me wonder if the person who wanted in the orders might be a little bit guilty of wanting to micro-manage? None the less - he is a twit.

You - are a twit because you challenged him? and asserted he breached the orders? Well you're wrong. TWIT... BUT WHAT IF THERE IS AN EMERGENCY.... No doubt your orders state he must contact you if there is an emergency. So problem solved.
"With regards to the accessing information thing" - again not really a compelling argument. TWIT. And even if it is in the orders. What are you gonna do about it? take him to court? Stamp your left foot while putting her hands on your hips? So this is a pointless argument.

Now go for a walk and calm down..

Story time - I spoke to my mate, a baptist minister (I'm not religious - Don't believe in God) But I told my mate I wanted to kill her. (I didnt really btw). BUT I was so full of hate. He told me to kill her with kindness. Not my preferred choice of weapon. I wanted to use a bus, not kindness.

I argued with him. But she always changes the holiday times to minimise my time. She never answers the phone for my court allocated mid-week phone call...She is always an hour late to drop the kids off. Sometimes two hours. .I dropped the kids at school on Monday morning so no chance of revenge there. So lets look at the hour late (sometimes two hours late) I'm sitting at Macca's. I tell her she has breached the orders. I write nasty emails threatening court and she keeps doing it. She keeps doing blah blah blah... and I keep getting pissed off. SHE IS WINNING.

So I adopted his 'kill her with kindness' mentality. Hard work, took some time. I went cold turkey on telling her she'd breached the orders and the nasty emails. IT took a little bit longer to change my thinking because I was a TWIT... Eventually, I got my thinking sorted, which is what you need to do. Instead of looking for arguments, I looked for solutions. I stopped being a twit... You should stop being a twit.

So guess what? two things happened. The first one? I felt happier. I stressed less, slept better and was a better parent for it. I stopped being a twit. Sounds good so far right?

The second thing was changing my thinking /approach and that took a little bit longer. I started getting the kids to make mother's day cards, birthday cards. Bought her a small gift for mother's day etc. Sent photos of the kids doing fun stuff when with me. Getting the kids to call her on my time, even though I didn't have a court order dictating I had to (BUT SHE DID). AND the kids appreciated it. Being a twit meant I was blinded to how this impacted on the kids. I'd never said a bad word abou their mum - But I never said a nice thing either.
Guess what - The ex started playing a little bit more nicely. She even started offering me an additional night here or there so she could go for a dirty weekend with the new fella. We kinda sorta started to get along BUT - This is a big BUT... BUT she has never ever changed her attitude towards me. She still asks the kids questions about me... Still tells them it was daddy's fault that blah blah blah and they don't wanna hear it.

So back to you.... YOU WROTE "He hadn't communicated with me at all about it, and as far as I'm concerned, this is one of the things that comes under the things that need a joint decision. Our orders do even specify "day care or after school enrollment". I reckon - just guessing, dad didn't tell you because he needs the after school care and he didn't need to deal with the scenario of what to do IF you say NO... And btw you don't even have the right to say NO... That said - I have not read your orders and it does seem perculiar to have something in there about 'after school care'. So maybe you have an argument there. So let's deal with that hypothetical... So let's assume it is a breach. You can take it to court BUT DONT... Not worth it. So why did he choose to breach the orders? I'm guessing it is because YOU ARE A TWIT. He just didn't need the argument.

So - suggestion.... When you enroll the kids in after school care next year. Make him the emergency contact. Tell him about it. To be honest, this situation sounds more like two people who have only recently separated. 7 years? "7 years now, but still have a very rocky time with my ex husband." The first world war didn't go for that long. You are both twits. You can't decide that he isn't gonna be a twit anymore. But you can decide that you're not gonna be a twit anymore.

Final thing. Virtual group hug... I think you need it. So before you start smashing the keyboard, take a deep breath, go for a walk, have a nice cuppa. Calm down.
cheers

 

[concernedfriend]

Sammy is right.

And as far as his girlfriend being a contact - that is also fine. Blended families and step parents are considered in these situations. It's normal and it's been going on for years and years.