VIC Father wants custody

[Briana]

My ex wants custody of our 6 year old and 2.5 year old because he thinks the kids have more routine and structure at his place. We have had a great agreement so far, he gets kids Thursday to Sunday.
I am single parenting and kids are always fed and have their own routine at mine the only thing I struggle with is my 6 year old can Be difficult to manage and has been for both of us but for me it’s a bit more of a struggle because I am on my own but he has a partner who helps him. He thinks when the kids are sick that I don’t take them to the doctors or just because my daughter gets eczema that I’m not caring for them properly, I take my kids doctors whenever needed and can prove this if it went we to court, my house is clean kids are fed and are well taken care of so I don’t even know why he thinks this anyway, he basically pumps my 6 year old for information then turns everything around to make it look like I’m a s**t mum. Just for one example my brother or sister babysat the kids while I worked on maybe 3 or 4 different occasions and a couple times he spent at my mums on a Sunday and she took him to school in the morning, and he seems to have a problem with that. He thinks he should get custody but works almost 6 days a week and his girlfriend babysits the kids as well as their own new baby, and thinks it’s ok for her to have to drive my son to school everyday and they put my daughter in daycare 2 days of the week, yet I’m at home and this is what I do everyday because obviously they live with me. There is so much more to the story but too long to get into, my questions is would he be successful in getting primary care in court?

 

[sammy01]

he would have a chance at 50/50... but not a good chance.

I do think it reasonable that if you cant supervise the kids you give him the first right of refusal to supervise.

dont fret about the other stuff. No court order can make a twit stop being a twit, so you're best to learn to ignore the other stuff.

 

[Briana]

Thanks for your reply sammy01.

I am not sure what the second paragraph means, Right of refusal?

Yes I do ignore the silly stuff but this is the second time he’s gone on about this and because his mum is a phsycotherapist and works with child and family services etc he’s saying it’s in the children’s best interests, I’m not keen to do 50/50 only for the fact that it means that my 2.5 year old is being looked after by the girlfriend anyway, I’m happy for extra visitation somewhere but I would prefer to be the one that drops off and picks up from school and have my daughter home with me instead of his girlfriend, just to add also that there was a few times that she dropped my son of to school because they were staying with them for a week and that whole week he was late to school and had to get a late pass and he was upset about it, and she also picked him up 25 minutes after school finished one time so he was waiting until the principal rang me asking if anyone was coming. There was also an incident about a year and a half ago where she was annoyed at my son because he wouldn't give her a sponge back so she went to snatch it and in the process twisted his Arm and then stuck her finger up at him and said I win, I confronted him about it and he said it wasn't how my son described it, would things like those be taken into consideration when deciding parenting orders ?

 

[sammy01]

First right of refusal... If you can't look after the kids you offer that time to dad before offering it to Grandma or your siblings or anyone else. Same should apply at his end. But you cant enforce it...

Look up parallel parenting.

Ok 2.5 yr old. And he has 4 nights a fortnight... He would be hard pressed to get any more than that in court IMO.
Don't bother confronting him about anything... Pointless arguments - life is too short.

 

[Briana]

Ok will look that up.
It's actually every Thursday he has them until Sunday.
Thankyou for your help.

 

[sammy01]

He has them 6 nights a fortnight? wow.
Just ignore the bloke. He is on a hiding to nothing in court.... He would have to prove that you're a completely negligent parent. If you are, so be it... But based on what you've written. NO CHANCE>

 

[Briana]

Yep, I suspect this may have alot to do with child support payments because he Pays my car loan in lieu of CS (bought new car just before we broke up) and he mentioned to someone he can't afford to pay it (yet he went to Canada for a holiday).

He told me he wants primary custody but would never prevent me from seeing the kids or having them over so I really don't think his concerns are genuine, but I can't prove any of that.

 

[Thefactsonly]

Hang on - you have no weekend time with the kids? When do you get to do 'fun' things with your son now he is in school 5days a week? What happens when your daughter is at school and suddenly you only see them on week nights?

How long have you had this arrangement in place and what's the distance between houses?

Currently he would have very little chance of getting more time, it's pretty much 50/50 as it is - in his favour!

 

[Briana]

This arrangement was only more recent to enable me to work as I'm limited during the day but I'm no longer working and weekends will be every second weekend starting the coming weekend.

 

[Alina Kleiman]

My ex wants custody of our 6 year old and 2.5 year old because he thinks the kids have more routine and structure at his place.

Hi Briana - agreed with the comments above - "more routine and structure" is not usually enough grounds to lose primary carer status - he would have to prove that you are negligent as a parent and that the children are at risk whilst in your carer. Based on what you have described you are doing a great job and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you are struggling with setting appropriate boundaries for your 6 year old there are some really good parenting courses out there through your local council and other organisations - do some research online and find one in your area. Sometimes parents just need a toolkit and some insight into what is driving the challenging behaviour. If Dad is constantly using your 6 year old as messenger and telling him you are a "s*$t mum" it is not surprising that he is playing up. Number one rule of post separation parenting is to never denigrate the other parent to your child or in front of your child. Children are a product of both of you, when Dad puts you down, your child is likely to feel on a subconscious level that if there is something wrong with mum there must be something wrong with me. This can lead to a lack of self confidence and even self loathing in the child. Try to talk to Dad to explain this and try to agree that you both will never use your children as messenger - if you need to discuss an aspect of parenting you disagree about, you must do this directly with each other whilst out of the earshot of the children. There are good Apps out there that can assist with keeping communication calm, respectful and unemotional.

Perhaps Dad could also do a post separation parenting course?

I know some psychologists specialise in post separation parenting and communication - if you are in Melbourne get in touch I can give you some names.