NSW Family Law - Disengaging from Ex and Effect on Children?

[LouiseThomas]

I am curious... After assessing my own and my sister's situation, if completely disengaging from the ex and 'parallel parenting' as someone on this forum put it, is a worthwhile option? After 5 years, it is obvious to me that my ex, despite my efforts, has no interest in co-parenting with me. I am getting the same sentiment from my sister's ex. Not sure if it is a male thing but after stories or advice...

I always believed that I should continue to try to co-parent with ex as I felt that was my 'duty'. When I get zero reciprocation, it only stresses me out, so do I just bite the bullet in family law and disengage?

I just don't want it to negatively affect our son and that is my only concern.

 

[AllForHer]

First, I know more women who struggle with co-parenting than men. In my experience, women are far less capable of separating their emotions from the task at hand, and perceive themselves more often to be the superior parent, which obviously creates challenges in co-parenting, where equal responsibility is king.

The concept of parallel parenting is not a legal matter. It’s a personal choice, so this is just personal reflection.

My husband essentially parallel parents with his ex-wife because she was very preoccupied with her own feelings for many years following separation, which led her to message him up to 30 times a day about menial matters that were very thinly disguised as being child-related. Everything from a missing sock to what the child was wearing to who the child was with, where and why would come up in either complaint format or question format, and it felt like their daughter’s time with her dad being treated like an extension of time with her mum - it was being disrupted and poisoned by this overbearing woman who was talented in finding things to complain about in the most aggressive way possible.

So dad stopped responding about anything that wasn’t a major long-term issue, stopped facilitating changeovers at our house and moved all communication to an app that has a calendar, which leaves little need for text marathons and fighting. He keeps very strict boundaries between our house and hers, as well.

And it made everything so much better, from his daughter’s happiness and participation in our household to his capacity as a parent, even to mum’s style and frequency of communication.

They still have a high conflict relationship, but they can navigate the conversations that are most important. I don’t know that they would have been able to do that if it weren’t for parallel parenting.

 

[sammy01]

Prior to court orders I didn't parent. I sucked it up and said YES to what ever she wanted.. I hate this system - but the fact is without court orders SHE could decide to keep the kids if she was not happy with me.. And she did.

I don't co-parent. I don't parallel parent. I just parent..
From the time my first set of parenting orders were signed - I just followed the orders. That dealt with the spending time with dispute... And for the first 2 yrs I refused to deviate from the orders... I figured if i allowed one deviation, it wont be long before she would be finding other reasons for the orders to be deviated from and I'd be lodging contraventions and not seeing my kids for months BUT she would re-instate care just prior to any potential court hearing..

After a while we could swap a night here or there and after about 3 yrs we could sit in the same room together and have discussions about health issues or the kids behaviour. etc... To be honest though, as she was the primary carer, she ALWAYS felt like her word had more authority than mine... I was often being told off for taking kids swimming (indoor heated pool) during winter. She didn't seem to understand the reason indoor heated pools exist is so folks can swim year round. But I mostly ignored that sorta stuff.

So the reason for my rant... You kinda sound like my ex... After 5 years? and you still have not worked out the lay of the land? Maybe your over thinking it? OR your expectations of the ex are too high. After 5 years you should have worked out what was worth discussing with the ex and what is not... It isn't about parallel parenting, or co-parenting... Just knowing who he is and how he is going to respond... BTW SAME stuff happens in nuclear families... As a kid, I knew that there was one parent that was far more likely to give in to a whinging kid than the other AND depending on what I wanted I knew whether I'd have a better chance with mum than with mum

 

[Lennon]

Neither my wife nor I co-parent with our exes. Like Sammy we just parent our kids. If something needs discussing with their other parent we will do so, but these days that is extremely rare. The kids don't have a clue what we do or don't discuss so I don't believe they are impacted by it at all (except maybe through a reduction in conflict).

 

[LouiseThomas]

Thank you for replies, all very interesting. I was always made to believe that co-parenting was only option. I am from a very traditional family and it is expected that ex and I will be hunky dory all the time. I do fear judgement if I parallel parented as haven't seen in action and what the outcome is for parents and children.

 

[sammy01]

co-parent
Parallel parent
helicopter parent
Drop kick dad parent
they are just words. Crazy crap written by psychologists to sell their books.

Just raise your kids best you can and expect that the other parent is doing the same. Might not be the way you want them to do it, but if the kids are happy and safe - none of it matters. Just life experience here because your question isn't a legal one.