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QLD Family Court Issue - Haven't Seen Children in 4 Years

Discussion in 'Family Law Forum' started by mumdestroyed, 18 March 2016.

  1. mumdestroyed

    mumdestroyed Member

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    I haven't seen my children for 4 years. I fell apart when my husband left me. He lodged the divorce papers sighting full custody of children. I have no memory of receiving these as I had sent him signed papers showing joint custody. The next thing I know, the divorce papers arrive, the judge says "I'm not entirely satisfied the best interest of the children has been considered, but I'll grant the divorce anyway.

    Why did the family court fail me and my kids?
     
  2. AllForHer

    AllForHer Well-Known Member

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    If the only matter the Family Court has dealt with is your divorce, then it hasn't even had the chance to fail you and your kids. Parenting matters are dealt with separately to divorce. The Registrar who granted the divorce didn't also make a concurrent order that the father have sole parental responsibility for the kids, that they live with him and spend no time with you. The Registrar doesn't have anywhere near the power to do that.

    I suggest contacting Legal Aid for legal advice, and to organise a family dispute resolution conference with the father to try and negotiate seeing your kids. If you can't reach agreement or he refuses to participate, then you can file an initiating application with the Court for parenting orders. That's when the Court will have the chance to fail you and your kids, but the more likely outcome is that it will help your kids regain their right to know, spend time and communicate with you on a regular basis.
     
  3. mumdestroyed

    mumdestroyed Member

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    It's too late. They are now 23,18,16.

    He has got away with destroying me, I once held a job paying $70k a year now I suffer from severe PTSD, anxiety, depression and delusion disorder. I received a phone call from my daughter in February 2012 saying "don't pick us up from school tomorrow, we don't want to see you". Again their mobile phones were cut off, they moved house.

    I've never hurt my kids I was a good mum. I've tried to find out what happened but it's like they don't know who I am. I'll never work again. I doubt my thought process is non-existing, my PTSD to frequent, it's excruciating. Him and his new wife post photos on facebook of my kids and her like she's their mum.

    He always used to refer to my oldest boy as an idiot and stupid, tells me always they were my kids and that he didn't want them. He used to mentally f**k with my head my whole marriage as he was cheating on me this whole time.

    Then the child support bill came out. It was always about the money. I have dreams where my son comes into bed to give me a hug. I wake up screaming when he gets up and leaves. I don't understand how the law allows for this. Everyday I lay my head on my pillow, I pray that this is the day I won't wake up. He stole my babies, he shattered my heart. As an indigenous woman, he stole my generation... It consumes my life every minute of every day.

    Then there's that smug look on the face of a narcassist. He got away with destroying me, I never had a mental illness, I don't sleep much cause the dreams are so real I'm too scared to sleep.
     
  4. AllForHer

    AllForHer Well-Known Member

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    I understand you are hurting. It undoubtedly feels like you've lost your children and the grief of such a loss never goes away.

    In legal terms, though, I'm afraid there's not much that can be done. The Family Court cannot legally step in on family matters unless one of the parents asks it to do so, and in those circumstances, it can only make parenting orders for children under the age of 18.

    For your youngest, it could make orders, but the process takes an average of two years and even then, it's likely the Court will only make an order that the child spend time with you in accordance with the child's wishes because they are of an age where they may be considered able to determine what's in their own best interests.

    So, let's abandon the legal implications here, because what's important is what happens moving forward. My first suggestion is to seek counselling. Relationships Australia offer many courses for grieving parents, and most are free of charge.

    The other advantage of speaking to Relationships Australia is that they may be able to give you a reference for therapy with your children for reunification, even if they are adults. I think you'll benefit a lot from counselling, so please consider speaking to Relationships Australia for help.
     
  5. mumdestroyed

    mumdestroyed Member

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    Do you want to know how many counsellors I've been through? It doesn't work and I'll never have closure. I know this will eventually take me. I can't carry this pain forever. I'd take someone's cancer. At least, there is pain relief. My life ended when my 3 mates were taken away. I exist in body only. I'm dead on the inside.
     
  6. Hope this helps

    Hope this helps Well-Known Member

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    I am so sorry and know how you feel. I am new here, too, but have to find out how I can do a post as you have done. Also, to ask in another forum a legal advice.

    Yes, unless you have gone through it yourself as a mother, a person has no clue how much not seeing your children because your ex kidnapped them and brainwashed them to the extent they don't even recall much about you and only receive exactly the same texts and emails out of the blue, following ones from the father hating you as a wife, not their mother for leaving the father.

    Not seeing, hearing, watching them grow up and having the delight of seeing their development without being able to contact them or know where they are is equal to having missing children, hoping they are alright, knowing they are still alive and someone finds them soon so they can come home. Worse, as you say, because you haven't done anything wrong.

    I don't know what state you live in but your heart has been broken and it won't recover till you can see or hear from your children.

    What will happen because this is survival mode, is that your heart will close, but anything can open this wound suddenly and bring you to tears and you need time alone as if it has just happened again. Take baby steps in getting back into society and either work, do some studies, volunteer, anything to get you out and locate a post-traumatic psychiatrist or psychologist.

    You are mourning a loss and it will, as you say, take time. If you do know where they are, write a letter to them. Post-Traumatic Stress is severe and unpredictable. If I knew which state you lived in, I could find out and send you experts in this field who are good.

    If I could work I would. That way you can afford to pay for the best help possible. I would not sit back and do nothing. Get back on your feet, get a new hairdo, clothing, take pride in your appearance . If you can't or not up to cooking then buy meals and snacks to keep yourself healthy and get back up!

    Don't wish yourself to not wake up or have cancer. I do have cancer and no it doesn't stop the pain. Chemo and radiation along with operations have caused numerous disabilities including near death circumstances, affecting my heart, can only write with my thumb, affects the brain and every organ, let alone nerves that disable you to feel and use fine motor skills, etc. So I'm doing my damnest to get better and trying to walk, talk, get out of a wheel chair, get movement and balance problems to be able to get back as much as I physically can. So don't wish cancer onto yourself as it is debilitating.

    Now, though you may have PTSD, if you physically can walk, talk and move, then remember what you were capable of and what you were like before this happened. Get a job. Start saving. As the goal is - you must get your strength back to become the strong woman that you are and a successful one.

    You have not lost your children. They are alive. You are their mother and proudly so and no one can take that way from you. They are your children and always will be. They are young but this does not mean they will not one day turn up sooner than you think looking for you. And when that happens they will want to see their beautiful strong Mum who can help and support them if they feel you can help them.

    There is no reason why you cannot reach out to them and let them know where you are should they want to visit and you will always be there for them. Your children are not dead. Isn't that fabulous! Nor would you want to wish yourself ill health as you are alive and they will come back and find you.

    Just keep the door open and continue to let them know you are thinking of them and even ask 'what's new and what is happening for them. So get up, stand strong, get work and start getting yourself together because they will return and when they do - look good! Try and remember what you like doing, your passions or anything you have always wanted to do but couldn't because you didn't have the time. Get back into the living girl, stand up straight and power on! That's what I would be doing if I had my health and physical capacity.

    In fact, I'm hoping by the end of the year I will be walking! Just keep moving, improving, getting back to the woman you know you are capable of being and strive to be financially self-sufficient. So your partner has another woman and you think you lost him. You can't lose something that wasn't yours in the first place and if your partner was playing up whilst he was with you, he wasn't for you and wasn't yours and hopefully he didn't give you any sexual diseases. So get to work!

    Pull yourself together and start earning a wage so you can set up your home exactly as you want it, pay for expert help, stay healthy, keep busy on improving yourself and become successful in whatever you do. You have not lost your children! Yes, the gut-wrenching undescribable heart-ripping pain will take you off guard but do something about it.

    Get a job, see an expert to help you overcome your trauma. List your mind long term, and short term goals and get going. Don't forget to get and drink plenty of water and exercise. Get back to the land of the living. Go meet new people by 'meet up' which has 1000s of like minded people who meet for chats, fitness, coffee, movies, all sorts of groups including health wise, natural eating, whatever!

    Come on, beautiful woman. Get up! And Let's go!

    PS - find your spirit! Nothing and no one can take this and you did the first step in reaching out here. So I'm reach my hand out to you. So grasp it, and I'll be by your side supporting you, picking you up when you fall, and make you stand tall.

    Go and make some plans and goals now for yourself. You're a capable woman! And don't let me hear you say you don't want to wake up and face another day! Be grateful you are alive. Your children are alive. You're in good health! And make sure when your children see you next that you are looking f- a-b-u-l-o-u-s! And feeling it, too. So get back to being You! ⛷
     
    Clancy likes this.
  7. mumdestroyed

    mumdestroyed Member

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    I'm in Victoria. I was doing ok, but as usual, it just hits me like a bus. I don't get out of bed these days. I actually want to die. I keep my eyes closed, it stops the tears.
     
  8. Hope this helps

    Hope this helps Well-Known Member

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    Yes, you have the most shattered and broken heart. However, I can not stress enough the following: Let your tears follow as it is a grieving process, so it it all out. Be gentle on yourself . Remember though it feels this is the worst thing that can happen to you right at this moment and since it has occurred including the injustice and unfairness of it all- your children are not dead. That is the worst because you will never be able to see them again.

    But they are alive! This means, like you, they need time. Your children are still young and developing and the understanding is not fully there but they will mature and be able to think for themselves, mature and I can promise you that they have not forgotten you nor will they not come back to you to see you, reach out to you, etc. You know it is not their fault! You also do not know what mental conditioning has occurred. They have to abide by with the other partner. You do not realise nor know if they are happy and were made to say or convinced of a lie - either way - to say what they did. Nor do you realise it know what difficulties they are having and just waiting their chance to see you , contact you, be with you etc.

    What you do know is you and want you can do. Plus your ex knew taking your children away would break you but don't let that destroy you! You have been suffering from trauma but you are not suffering from PTSD. You are also suffering severe depression and are grieving. Please seek help for severe depression and traumatic stress syndrome.

    Go to your GP for a referral for it. Ring an after hours DR to come to your home if you feel you can not get out of your home to go anywhere. They will help you. It is also bulk billed. If you can see a GP tell them how you are feeling, ask to see a specialist in the area I have suggested if you can afford it otherwise the DR will place you on what is known as a ' care plan' where you can visit any specialist for free up to 10 times .

    Please take the medication suggested (it will not be permanent judge time to get you up and active, allieviate your emotional disposition, a therapist you can vent and talk to confidentially n who will give you skills to cope with this situation you are currently experience. It will quicken the time of self-recovery and get yourself back to be strong enough to face the world and work, get yourself together and your lifestyle because this also has changed and you need to rebuild and readjust to this also.

    Don't cut yourself off from friends, family or anyone who cares for you. You may not care for yourself or anyone else at the moment and we need to get you out of the black hole you feel you are in. I'm giving you a ladder to get out of the hellish place you have fallen down into, so take one step at a time up that ladder and imagine me holding my arm and hand outstretched to you above, with the blue skies and light is shing from ( tho it only looks Like a white fit from where your viewing from.

    But step by step, the entrance out of the pit you have fallen in will get better and so will the light of the sky and daylight and my smiling face waiting to gift you a hand up and hug you because of the proud, mother strength and survival instincts to get to out children and with a protective power instincts to make sure they are ok. It will take its own time to heal but in the meantime therapy and medication are like painkillers that will lessen the pain but not fix the problem or remove the pain.

    Nature's survival mode will kick in. If you love and adore your children as much as you say, then get up, find the strength and spirt within and start climbing the ladder towards a changed life and a changed you. Yes, this challenge and broken heart you are experiencing and facing will pass and mend and a new you will emerge. A much wiser, mature, objective, self contain mother of a person who will get through this and ready to greet your children including finding out where they are and what is happening to them.

    They need you! I also understand your heart is broken because you love your ex and what a shock it was for you to be hit with! But you can only control yourself. Be the strong, sexy, self-confident woman you are - greet your children as a person who is strong enough for them to lean on and help them through what they are experiencing!

    They need you, so woman up! You know us women are the soul of human nurturing, strength, protected, defender of our children and we can stand a lone if need be or get a support system, for your mission to show this ex and your children that you are not this weak, pathetic, person that can be kicked about and into the gutter. You were not born in the gutter. So get up, get professional help to cope and ease the pain, regain that woman who can earn good money, make a home in your style, get to know yourself and be the woman with a home for your children to come home to and be with their Mum who is their for them. Climb that ladder. Take your time and make sure your footing is place correctly do their are no set backs.

    If they are - so what! You already know you can put on foot in front of the other and gradually pull yourself up . Take the help you need (and you will only need it short term) and be patient with yourself and concentrate on the moment and one day at a time.

    You know this man equally as he knows you. You haven't lost nor can you ever lose your children. You haven't lost the man that you perceived was yours because - you can't lose something that wasn't yours or isn't yours nor belonged to you anymore in the first place. He was only using you and tricked you and thought he could destroy you - but he hasn't. Now come on girlfriend! Let's go! But, please - be gentle and kind to your bruised and battered heart, and all time to mend it. You along with all humans are born to survive .

    Stop wallowing and seek help to ease the pain, learn new skills, insight and understand not just if yourself but the situation. Look at yourself as a caterpillar who has gone into a cacao on and will come out changed, more beautiful and able to fly! You will be ok! And happy with the new you evolving!
     
    Clancy likes this.
  9. Clancy

    Clancy Well-Known Member

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    Wow, hopethishelps.... i got tears in my eyes from your beautiful recommendation to this person in need.

    Sometimes a depressive state is like a living entity that seeks to preserve its own existence. It has a way of deterring a person from doing the things they need to do to get better. I have been depressed in the past...

    I used this to my advantage. I thought about what helpful things I least feel like doing and then I know that's what I need to do the most and I go and do it!
     
    Hope this helps likes this.
  10. Hope this helps

    Hope this helps Well-Known Member

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    That is the most powerful and strongest attitude, let alone help for anyone suffering depression that you have given everyone who has just read your post, Clancy! Full of pride and proudness of you! An appreciation.

    Yes, more people, but more women need to not just gather around and judge but help each other. You, my friend, have found the answer to deterring depression when it comes alone or for anyone suffering loss or defeat . You're a wise person!
     
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