VIC Ex Neglecting Our Children - What to Do?

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Grey Fox

Active Member
25 July 2017
11
0
31
Victoria
Here's my dilemma.

My ex (mother of our 3 kids, 14-7) and I have been separated for about 2 months. We currently share the same house. She has a cash in-hand job Wednesday - Sunday, 5:30pm -10/11:30pm. I am a stay at home dad at the moment ( she's had the job for 9-10 years, has never declared the money to Centrelink or the ATO).

I cook all meals, clean house, do the gardening, get the kids ready for school & the same for bedtime). She takes them to school (I have to wake her up at 8-30am every morning) and picks them up. That's about all she does.

Since the day we separated she has rarely been back before midnight, and several times not at all. When she is here, she is either all over them (rarely), or ignores them completely (continuously on her cellphone typing away or playing games).

All the kids are being hurt (emotionally eg; doesn't say goodnight, hugs & kisses are rare, ignoring them, etc) by her actions, and she doesn't care. The youngest two (9 and 7) get up a lot crying, and saying they want to live with me. Our eldest says the same.

Just this week I found a pregnancy test receipt. I don't really care what she does to me, but it's really hurting the kids. I want the emotional neglect (?) to stop. I don't know what to do!

Can anyone help?
 

AllForHer

Well-Known Member
23 July 2014
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First, tell your kids that you and your ex both still love them, no matter what is happening between you.

Your separation is very fresh, and to me, it sounds like living under the same roof is not good for either of you, or the kids. This is a difficult time, does it make sense to you that detaching is her way of coping?

Move out, then review. Organise a family dispute resolution conference so you can get a formal care arrangement on paper.

It doesn't sound like emotional abuse or neglect to me. It just sounds like a woman going through the motions of a marriage breakdown.
 
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Grey Fox

Active Member
25 July 2017
11
0
31
Victoria
First, tell your kids that you and your ex both still love them, no matter what is happening between you.

Your separation is very fresh, and to me, it sounds like living under the same roof is not good for either of you, or the kids. This is a difficult time, does it make sense to you that detaching is her way of coping?

Move out, then review. Organise a family dispute resolution conference so you can get a formal care arrangement on paper.

It doesn't sound like emotional abuse or neglect to me. It just sounds like a woman going through the motions of a marriage breakdown.

She has been like it for years! Staying out after midnight the last 2 months is recent. She was the one that instigated the split, so why would she still act this way toward our kids?

I am way past going to mediation. She avoids all talk about it. We made a parenting plan, but she still won't sign it. Its hard to discuss it together, when she is rarely here. She also thinks she can do know wrong.
 

sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
5,152
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2,894
Renting? Mortgage?

Mate change the living arrangements. Invite her to find somewhere else to live. If the kids are very clear that they want to stay with you (especially 14 yr old) then offer her alternate weekends and one visit during the week, Wednesday nights.

Look - plan B is a better one. Stay putt. Do nothing, save some money and do the best you can to look after the kids. Just be the best parent you can. Not legal advice, just life experience. Mate my 3 kids live with me. They rarely see their mum - good. But it's all been mostly her choice. There is only so much of this crazy stuff you can control..
 

AllForHer

Well-Known Member
23 July 2014
3,664
684
2,894
Unfortunately, mediation is unavoidable. You must attempt mediation before filing for parenting orders through the Court. It is a mandatory step in the process.

In my years dealing in family law, one observation I can confidently make is this: the standard of expectation between parents after separation is significantly, sometime unattainably, higher than what it was prior to separation.

For example.

Before separation, mum used to take the kids to their doctors appointments and relay any information to dad when she got home. Easy.

After separation, dad is suddenly under fire because he doesn't attend doctor's appointments, which is apparently meant to be taken as evidence that he is 'not interested' in the kids and 'not involved' in their care arrangements.

In your situation, you've spoken well of your role as stay-at-home, but and seem quick to dismiss her contribution as the breadwinner. Did you do that before? Or is it only now that this has become an apparent issue?

If you want to really assess mum's capacity as a parent, change the living arrangements so you're not living under the same roof. Being in the constant company of an ex will take its toll on anybody and in any number of ways. I, for one, was on the receiving end of a lot of criticism for 'never being home to look after the dog'. Reason why I was never home? Because my ex was there.
 

Grey Fox

Active Member
25 July 2017
11
0
31
Victoria
Unfortunately, mediation is unavoidable. You must attempt mediation before filing for parenting orders through the Court. It is a mandatory step in the process.

In my years dealing in family law, one observation I can confidently make is this: the standard of expectation between parents after separation is significantly, sometime unattainably, higher than what it was prior to separation.

For example.

Before separation, mum used to take the kids to their doctors appointments and relay any information to dad when she got home. Easy.

After separation, dad is suddenly under fire because he doesn't attend doctor's appointments, which is apparently meant to be taken as evidence that he is 'not interested' in the kids and 'not involved' in their care arrangements.

In your situation, you've spoken well of your role as stay-at-home, but and seem quick to dismiss her contribution as the breadwinner. Did you do that before? Or is it only now that this has become an apparent issue?

If you want to really assess mum's capacity as a parent, change the living arrangements so you're not living under the same roof. Being in the constant company of an ex will take its toll on anybody and in any number of ways. I, for one, was on the receiving end of a lot of criticism for 'never being home to look after the dog'. Reason why I was never home? Because my ex was there.

I used to ask her how her night was, but I got sick of getting my head bitten off every time. I worked for 7 years prior. Being told it was a pointless job (10hr day shift,$500-1250 pwk), just so I would be home to help with kids. Plus our Centrelink money would decrease. I never new how much money we had, as she wanted to be in charge of it.

The last 2 months I haven't seen a single dollar of that cash she gets to even help feed the kids. If she doesn't like being around/near me, why is she treating our kids like sugar one minute, then like poop the next? It's all been left to me!
 

Grey Fox

Active Member
25 July 2017
11
0
31
Victoria
I used to ask her how her night was, but I got sick of getting my head bitten off every time. I worked for 7 years prior. Being told it was a pointless job(10hr day shift,$500-1250 pwk), just so I would be home to help with kids. Plus our centrelink money would decrease. I never new how much money we had, as she wanted to be in charge of it. The last 2 months I haven't seen a single dollar of that cash she gets to even help feed the kids. If she doesn't like being around/near me, why is she treating our kids like sugar one minute, then like poop the next? It's ALL been left to me!.
And I would tell her how much I appreciated her working, and I had told her in the past that she should be declaring the cash .
 

Grey Fox

Active Member
25 July 2017
11
0
31
Victoria
renting? mortgage?
mate change the living arrangements. Invite her to find somewhere else to live. If the kids are very clear that they want to stay with you (especially 14 yr old) then offer her alternate weekends and one visit during the week, Wednesday nights.

Look - plan B is a better one. stay putt. Do nothing, save some money and do the best you can to look after the kids. Just be the best parent you can. Not legal advice just life experience. mate my 3 kids live with me. They rarely see their mum GOOD. But it all been mostly her choice. There is only so much of this crazy stuff you can control..

I was all for a 50/50,week on week off but not now. Yeah plan B is a better option (we are renting on a month by month basis), I just don't like how the kids are treated by her at the moment and I can't really see it improving for them when living with her on her week. I'm no 'perfect' father, but at least I try to better myself in some ways. She hasn't given a damn for about 5-6 years.

I found out today that she had told Centrelink that she was the primary carer 5-6 years ago, which in truth is the complete opposite. So I have applied for FTB a & b, she's isn't going to like it. I know she is but I am not a liar (other than bloody Easter Bunny & Santa) and refuse to lie for anyone else.
I'm still not sure if she should be dobbed into ATO & Centrelink, as that will also affect/effect the kids who are going through enough.

Thanks for your help
 

sammy01

Well-Known Member
27 September 2015
5,152
720
2,894
Just checking... Are you saying she has claimed you guys are separated? And she is getting all Family tax benefit?

Look if you're separated under the same roof that is a bit complex. I reckon you're better off requesting she attend mediation with a plan to move out of the rental and each find your own accommodation and make a pan around what will happen with the kids
 

Grey Fox

Active Member
25 July 2017
11
0
31
Victoria
Just checking... Are you saying she has claimed you guys are separated? And she is getting all Family tax benefit?

Look if you're separated under the same roof that is a bit complex. I reckon you're better off requesting she attend mediation with a plan to move out of the rental and each find your own accommodation and make a pan around what will happen with the kids

Since I have been paying for all the kids food etc, should I ask my ex to give me half the money for cost of it?